The supporter needs a bit of propping

[MC2]

Um evening all,

It has been a while, I was on here a few years ago, and after some good advice I sort grief councilling and therapy for ptsd As part of this I was told to stop touching base he as it was affecting me.

This helped me at the time and then I paid it forward so to speak. I supported my wife through post natal depression after our first son was born. I bought her family in to support her mental recovery while I shouldered the physical workload. I helped a colleague with mental health issues confront them and seek professional help even after in the throws he tried to get me sacked with false claims (something he recanted and apologised for)

All of this while I struggled with the raw feelings of bringing a new son into a world where I had failed to protect my first and his mother.

I am currently helping another friend through different portion of his life as well, and now I have manage to get talking to a pro, I have had to step back because it hurts to much.

So why am I here....

Because through all this I have lost my close friends. I have nothing outside work/family. I've tried to build new friendships and get out there but I am still shouldering a large portion of the child caring and household work and working full time on compressed days.

I continue to struggle with the past I know I will never come to peace with.

Though I carry a lot of the childcare everyday I am constantly discriminated against"just the dad, you don't do enough." From childcare, to family and I rarely get support to push back from the wife who still struggles with her mental health. An example, a recent rare night out, a "friends wife" said to my face "Men are useless in parenting it is always up to the mother to do all the work" and as a white middle aged man I feel I can't even defend myself without being label a "__ist". My wife laughed and said "I know right". As I left to chase our child and bring him back.

I tried to start some hobbies again only to be scammed out of what little money I had.

Every time I raise an issue at work wether it is OH&S, workplace bullying of other staff or quality, I am thoroughly beaten down.

I have lost two friends through sudden and unjust instances .

I am so tired and I am lying here 1230 at night, in the spare bedroom so to not wake the wife, crying because I needed talk to someone.. and realised... I have no one in my contacts close enough I would trust to open up too.

I would talk here before anyone I know.

sorry.

Mj P

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

Don't worry about it. Almost all made sense, and frankly it may have been your state that helped you talk more of the past -something that helps to make matters clearer. Typing also gave you something to do till sleep came, always a hard time.

As I've probably mentioned I've PTSD plus other goodies from my time in the police. Over time the images faded and life became easier. Then I had a reminder, I saw something which looked very similar to an unpleasant incident , so similar for a moment I thought it was the same.

Well, like you, I had a resurgence of symptoms (actually including re imagining the whole set of sensations), and it seemed as bad as the first set of symptoms.

BUT it did not last nearly as long, and faded in intensity quickly. I'd be pretty sure that is what will happen to you. And thinking of a better image will help.

I'm guessing from your last post it sounds like she came from a tight knit family in which 'family-honor' might have been an overriding emotion. Not something you could do anything about, and not something easily anticipated. Then too the strenght of the compulsion for her to say goodby may not be so easily understood either. Would account for the brother's actions too.

Am I on the right track?

Please keep reminding yourself that despite physical pain and limited mobility I'm in a good place, the past does not have the same hold on me, I enjoy my life.

Croix

[MC2]

I have had a rough week,

My wife was rushed to hospital with pneumonia, I was still bed bound so kiddo was taken by inlaws for a day while I arranged emergency treatment to get back on my feet.

Fought through the pain, got kiddo back and then he went down with a chest infection.

Can't visit my wife in hospital due to covid restrictions and because j

Disaster after disaster at work saw my section of the company crippled. They are on my back constantly to the point I had to return to work Friday too try and rebuild machines and systems to a point where it could start running something again.

By the end of that shift both kiddo and I ended up in pneumonia country ourselves and kiddo in hospital

I got news the bloke that has been harassing me has had his visa suspended however his lawyers has flipped it and are now trying to get me charged with harassment. So I am trying to juggle picking up kiddo after being released from hospital only to be dragged into a police station for an hour to be grilled like a criminal.

Dragging up the entire incident from before in agonising details. I managed to start recording phone calls he was making to me over the last week which helped.

Wife is now out of hospital as well and resting.

I just got to keep all these plates spinning and the new medication let's me sleep. Mc2

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

You certainly do keep all those plates spinning, wife, kiddo, your work plus your own physical prblems, you keep on going and succeed.

I'm glad your wife is ho,e and hope your kiddo is out of hte woods and back home too.

Did you have to go to hospital yourself for your pneumonia? I'd imagine gettng in the work environment after being in bed would have been simply to great a contrast for you and kiddo's chests.

It's impressive you are the go-to person at work when the wheels fall off, it shows, despite your physical limitations you have a great deal of skill and are regarded as having them.

Keeping a journal and record of calls is basic self protection. As is getting corroborative evidence (people in the area or itemized phone bills plus more as suggest by the police or your lawyer.

Simple things can help, like if he talks about a phone call, and it originated on the bill from him him weaken his account. similarly texts can be recorded.

A thoroughly unpleasant situation, but remember you are dealing wiht someone who has an irrational attitude.

I'm glad the meds are helping. It took me a long time to find the right ones for me, but after I did life changed.

Croix

[MC2]

Hi Croix, thanks for your help.

I admittedly missed your previous posts because my phone did not update and turn the page.

I sorry to hear about your past, my friend has just in joined active duty on the police force about 2 weeks ago and I must admit I am concerned form him and not just because he is on a rookie night shifts in one of the dodgers parts of the city.

He clearly can't be involved in my case but he is certainly helping me in the background point me in the direction of information collection and the best ways to get traceability.

Her father was a controlling violent man who used Christianity and family to dictate what each child in his family was going to do. I was not part of that plan,nor our little boy, and certainly not her leaving.

I my line of work we have system of root cause analysis when things go wrong. There all different aspects but it boils down to an abnoxious child asking why until you can answer it anymore.

Everyone I do it it leads me back to, because I saw her and entered her life. Everything else after that point (if I hadn't) is conjecture, would it have happened at some point, possibly, would she have been happy... possibly, possible not but she likely would still be alive.

Her sister said she can home that Christmas a different person, argumentative, defiant and argued him him daily leading up to that day. If that was also me, I gave her a sense of freedom.

I think I need to just organise some time away from all of this. I need a reset button. I did get very close there to making the worse decision and a call to the helpline clarified the situation and stopped me.

I hope you are right about this reliving the past, it's just too real. The other morning I honestly woke up the other and for about 10min I simply didn't recognise where is was a who was next to me in bed. Then everything came flooding back with suffocating crush.

I think the hardest part is I never found that one person professional or private that I can just open up to a talk aloud with about this. I mean people know snippets, presented portions here, but there is no one to talk about this openly, and process it. There is no one I can reminisce with about the good times without feeling guilt. Guilt about the past or guilt about bringing up in the presence of someone who are uncomfortable with it.

When you went through this, did you have someone? Was it someone close or should be someone separate from your friends/family group?

Hope you are doing well

MC2

[Croix]

Dear MC2~

You said"Her sister said she can home that Christmas a different person,
argumentative, defiant and argued him him daily leading up to that day.
If that was also me, I gave her a sense of freedom."

also

"Her father was a controlling violent man who used Christianity and
family to dictate what each child in his family was going to do."

You don't come right out and say it however I suspect it was your example, influence and love that changed a adult child into a discerning and courageous woman.

To give someone those abilities, and freedom is an indescribable gift. When her father knew his control, which he's relished all his life, had sipped away he lashed out. That is down to him, not you.

Sadly her brother, the one giving you a hard time, never had that gift and remains a mirror image of his father. An object of pity in many ways.

I told the truth about symptoms, and like you get a moment's disorientation now and again, however things are more than manageable and I am happy and confident and more trusting (well mostly anyway:)

I never opened up to my original psychiatrist in full, though my symptoms were more than enough to get me invalided out. It took my wife's presence for me to announce I was suicidal, and may years with a different psychiatrist to tell just about (but not quite) everything that has haunted me, my actions and those of others.

Yes my wife was there, initially blaming herself for my conditon, then when the symptoms were explained by my psych she gained the confidence to stick by me and try. She could never know what was in my head and had to live with an unpredictable and difficult person, while doing everything and going to work

Most fortunately she had the emotional and practical support of her mum, and that was a wonderful thing for her to have. Does your wife have anyone like that?

I think it does not matter if a confident is close, or distant, it is the trust on your part, and the common sense and care by the other. If at some point you mention something they find hard to understand, then they are adult and should be capable of seeing their reaction will influence you.

A learning process for both people.

I hope you master the intricacies of page turning on the phone 🙂

Croix

[MC2]

Hi all, sorry for the update drought,

Don't have much energy at the moment.

Been in and out of hospital with myself and kiddo, kiddo pneumonia, me bronchitis and lung damage from my line of work.

The guy harassing me won his appeal against his visa being cancelled. The police here in queensland are still working on a larger case there so idk.

One weird thing though is as part of the investigation I was asked to identify the woman in the original picture and when I told the the whole story I was called in a week later to look at items from the case file covering her death. It was very confronting but the police, this time, seemed a lot more supportive and allowed me all the time I needed to walk through it all again step by step.

As part of this, and the soul blackening task that it was, there was something that made me stop, that seemed to just give me a crack of light.

There amongst everything else, was a head shot (photograph I mean) just the head and neck, of her looking sideways with the sparkle and mischievous grin. I was not allowed to take it of course but, either knowingly or not they left me an opportunity to use my phone to take a photo. It came out well.

It's not much, but it's a link you know. When I look at it I cry. I am not sure yet if it's sadness, regret, joy or relief but I cry.

I can see some of those happier times and the joy she had. Memories I thought I lost with the heart attack are coming back, splintered but there.

I am thinking of try to follow them to see if I can peice more together. However I am not sure how I will react and I think if I do this I will need someone there.

I burnt through another counsellor and psych while I was in and out of hospital as well. So I think I might try to find another one and get that stable first. Plus get well and look after the life/family I have in the present.

Anyway I just thought I would touch base here.

Night

Mc2

[Croix]

Dear Mc2~

I guess I'd have to say I'm hopeful. Little things like "...and look after the life/family I have in the present. " plus the whole tone of your post.

I'm sorry you and kiddo have had to be in hospital, that's bad in a way, but for me, even with straight physical problems rather than hte psych ward, being in there has given me thinking time away from everything, and that has helped with perspective and a sort of emotional rest.

Going though the evidence would have been very harrowing, though I'm delighted you had the presence of mind to use your phone and now have a happier image to look at than has been just those in your mind and from her brother.

I wonder if you were given a hint about your phone as the original had to be kept, it can happen.

No, at this stage trying to say what emotions you were feeling looking at that face and cheeky grin would be impossible, they would have been a turmoil.

It does change. I felt the same over pictures of my deceased wife, though it was expected with 9 months in hospital first. At first I could not look at any, from the past or the then present. Eventually my brain sorted through and I came up with a series of photos, some sad, some fun - yes fun!

She had a sense of humor and when we had young kids from our relations stay she used to tease them horribly -while trying to keep a straight face. I think that's my favorite. Then she'd have to laugh -the kids loved it.

I'm not sure how one burns though a councilor and psych, those worth their salt can work with a client who has great difficulties. I hope you find some soon.

I will say something for the future -please don't be offended. Medical professionals are humans first, and subject to every foible and mistake, and like most of us respond well to praise. So a list of things they have failed at can be leavened with a few positives, it might help, even motivate, even when you feel anger or despair at their performance.

I was frightened how I'd react to the thoughts about and reminders of my late wife -and also of my job in the police. It can work out OK.

Croix

[MC2]

I am never rude or overly negative towards people. I try to work with them to direct the conversation towards what I need to talk about. But after 3 sessions if you continue to stone wall me and try and make out that everything going on in this head is totally down to present day stuff only, or try to pin it in parenting, or start trying to question sexuality... thanks, I will work on that but I need to work through the funadtions first and the spruce up the exterior with a lick of paint once the structure is sound.

I thank them for their time and move on.......

I am the sort of person who if I receive bad service I never take it on the person infrastructure of me because it is likely never their fault, or in this case, not a problem with what they are doing (just not for me). I ask nicely for a fix with full reasoning behind it, give feed back to the company if it's not resolved, or feedback in this case to the person as to why it is not working prior to making t he decision and if they don't want to change ( and have no logical reason to not) then thank them explain why we can not continue and cancel fylurther appointments.

Burning through them was a callus through away line referring to the speed and volume of people I have been through over the years not the way I behave.

Hope that clarifies.

Mc2

[Croix]

Dear MC2

It certainly does, what you say sounds eminently reasonable. Fingers Xed you luck improves. The relationship I believe is at least as important as the therapy, probably more so.

I remember I walked out on one psychologist (I was on loan from my psychiatrist for specialist therapy). He ended up disbarred permanently a little later. Everything is a mix, luck plays a big part.

Croix

Croix