The Safest Place

[Bielzibub]

Considering the following 3 facts:

1) Imagine this universe as a graph, with time on the x axis and the sum of all happiness of all living things, except me, on the y axis. My only goal in life is, and always has been to get the area under that graph as large as possible.

2) I am 39, single and don't see any possibility of having a family no matter how much I want that to be the case. I hate daylight, daytime and most of all, being awake, making deep sleep the safest and the only enjoyable part of my life. So I have come to realise that every single waking decision and action that I take actually lowers the area under the graph in point 1.

3) I am 100% sure that my universe ceases to exist when I'm gone, making the graph in point 1 null and void.

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[geoff]

dear Bielzibub, so pleased that you contacted us for support, in a mathematical way but I know what you are saying, as I studied calculus and algebra but many years ago, but it's all changed since this old fellow went to school.

I won't embarrass myself, but from what you have written there is a great deal of depth in your post.

When depression hits us then no one's universe exists because this illness takes everything away from us, all it does to us is to want to climb under the doona and just wait for another day to pass, and then another, so our life just passes us by.

You are 39 years of age and within these years there has been so much that has been troubling you, which I would really love to hear about.

Now can I ask you a question, and if you don't want to answer then that's OK, is your depression caused by not having someone in your life, or is this a follow through from having been depressed before hand.

I do hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Bielzibub]

Hi Geoff, I've been thinking about that question and came to the realisation that deep down I don't want anyone just so I don't drag them through this. The good days are great, and around people I'm distracted and fine usually. But alone things change and the smile disappears.

The problem is, I really want to want someone, and 6 kids and 6 dogs 😕 , I just don't want anyone, if you know what I mean, and it's that conflict that's a huge issue.

I really think some things can't be fixed. I'm sorry for the negativity, I'm sure you'd prefer a positive message of being on the road to recovery, but that will never happen with me. Well, maybe for a few days every now and then, which has always been the case.

Thanks for the response 🙂

[AGrace]

Hi Bielzibub,

I can hear a lot of hurt and frustration in your post, and a bit of anger.

I hope here you have at least found a place where you can express your feelings and thoughts and trust us not to judge you or your circumstances.

I know Geoff tried to ask for a bit more information, but I'm going to ask again. It would really help to know what's troubling you, beyond the idea that you don't foresee recovery as an option.

I'm not going to say that there's a cure for all things in life, because I know the beasts that depression and anxiety can be. In addition I have Borderline Personality Disorder (a condition that can't be cured), and I suffered from PTS, as well as an eating disorder earlier in life. There are no miracles. What I strongly believe though is that we can't go on a quest for pure happiness, that's not what life has on offer. Life is full of good, bad, happy, sad, and sometimes absolute misery.

I'd really love for you to share more, if you are willing.

AGrace

[geoff]

dear Bielzibub, this site is to help people through with their negative thoughts, unfortunately some people don't stay around long enough to get the support that they need.

I know what you are saying by wanting 6 kids and 6 dogs, and then not wanting them, but any relationship or marriage is never perfect, because there are always ups and downs, so the ideal situation of having 6 children running around happily with no concerns at all is really impossible.

These good days is it when you put on a fake face, and then come home to a lonely house, and then bang your depression takes over, so then your negative thoughts just consume you.

We truly want to help you, and we want you to have trust in us. Geoff.

[JessF]

Hello Bielzibub, depression is a devil of a thing (excuse the dreadful pun!) and Iv'e never seen anyone try to tackle it mathematically! 

I have been a cynic all my life, it's only in recent years that I've embraced some of life's cliches and been able to allow myself to 'enjoy the little things'. I've accepted it's probably too late in life for me to have a family, and as for relationships...well, been there done that, I'm on my own at the moment and it's not bothering me, although for a long time it did, and I felt desperately lonely. I worked out it was because I didn't like myself a great deal, so it was no wonder I didn't like my own company.

You don't have to be all sunshine and rainbows all the time to post on here, no doubt you've probably had a bit of a read through the other posts and this can be a garden of sorrows at the best of times, but that's what we're here for, we understand what it's like to feel miserable and hopefully can share some tips on how to look for the little bits of light among the darkness.

I'm intrigued by your comments about hating the daytime. Do you feel more invigorated at night? Maybe that's just your natural pattern. I find I like days and get quite frightened and anxious at night.

[JessF]

One more thought I just had... if you're right on point 3), then the entire universe is a figment of your imagination, which actually makes you pretty powerful.