The business end.

[Leisa68]

Oh boy have I hit rock bottom today. I was diagnosed with BiPolar disorder in January 2020 and sailed along okay, until my mood plummeted in September that year. I felt I did the right thing, I continued to see my psychiatrist and engaged a psychologist. I have been practicing CBT and mindfulness and have had some wins with some days without the mania and anxiety which would nearly render me unapproachable at the end of the day. I have a son who is eleven and I just can't be that way for him, I try very hard so he is not aware. I also have a great partner of 17 years, who wonders what the hell I have turned into. He does not believe I have BiPolar.

Today I woke up, literally dead inside. I felt dead, my inner voice was anxious and flat, and my voice was anxious and flat. I was reading the news and read of a celebrity I really liked who committed suicide overnight and that thought shocked me.  For the rest of the day, I have just concentrated on small things. I have felt this feeling before, but it was so very profound today. I have contacted my psychologist and am on the standby list for next week. I cannot see my psychiatrist for two weeks. I'll be honest. I'm very scared I will have this feeling again, knowing full well it will be back tomorrow. I have told myself that this is the business end of BiPolar and I have to deal with this business end. I am safe tonight. I love my family, but this thing feels bigger than Ben Hur. I would appreciate any advice on how to go until I see my psych team, who I fully intend to see.

Leisa68

[sbella02]

Leisa68,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience here, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling. Dealing with Bipolar Disorder must be incredibly frustrating. Your partner not believing that you have it must also be frustrating, and on top of that, I'm sorry to hear about your favourite celebrity passing away. That's tragic news.

I myself struggle with low moods as you've described - feeling flat with little motivation, and the stress of not being able to see a professional for several weeks. While it may be a short-term solution, I often find that listening to ASMR or relaxing YouTube videos can help distract me from negative thoughts I may be having. Or simply engaging in hobbies or similar activities, these can really help distract your mind from other life situations and temporarily direct your focus elsewhere.

I really like how you've compared this phase of Bipolar to a "business end", it's a great label for what you've described. In a way, this takes a bit of the sting out of it, conceptualising it more as something that's just another part of having Bipolar Disorder.

Please feel free to continue chatting with us some more if you'd like, we'd love to continue supporting you.

Take care, SB

[Leisa68]

Hi sbella02,

Thank you for your reply. It has made me feel somewhat better. I guess we have to have so many tools in our pockets for this disorder or any mental health issue, but when you are low, it's hard to think of them or remember them. I'm still struggling today, but I don't have that very deep nothingness in my stomach rolling around like I did yesterday. I am trying not to read or view anything that may trigger me. I didn't eat yesterday, but I am making sure I eat today. I am going to listen to those Youtube videos you describe. I don't know what else I can do to make myself feel more comfortable and actually sound normal. I guess it just takes time. My family is okay (that's the main thing).

Thank you for your help

Leisa68

[Bob_22]

Hi Leisa68,

Sorry to hear about your recent symptoms with bipolar disorder. I am glad that you're not feeling as bad today as you had forecast yesterday. As sbella mentioned it is great that you recognised that what you're feeling is part of your range of symptoms and that you're aware enough to do everything you can to ease symptoms before reaching your psychologist.

I haven't experienced bipolar disorder or mania but for myself with depression, I found that whenever I had a huge dip in motivation and concentration, I would employ self help strategies such as exercise, mindfulness, socialising but overall just giving yourself props for weathering the 'business end'. Acknowledging that the path to recovery is not always linear is important and its also important that you're gentle and forgiving of yourself in this regard. Sorry I'm not sure if this makes sense.

I also found dropping by and checking in with my GP helpful if I feel I don't have enough professional support right now. My GP usually just reassures me and makes a note to follow up but I found its nice to get things off my chest. Hope this helps.

Bob

[Leisa68]

Hi Bob_22

Thank you for your post. It makes sense to me. That empty feeling is a little further away. Mindfulness, playing with my son (Plants vs Zombies), and getting out of the house has helped me today. I still don't feel well but that 'dead' feeling that frightened me so much also feels a little further away. I feel fortunate I can do this. I generally expect that things will get better from here, but I will learn to accept a less than linear stage during this lifelong condition. That's how I feel today. I don't know how I will feel tomorrow. Thank you again.

Leisa68

[quirkywords]

Leisa

I am sorry yOu we’re feeling dead inside as that is a terrible feel8g. i am pleased you played with your son and that at helped a bit.I am glad people have helped you with suggestions.

Bipolar as you know can take you by surprise with its extreme feelings and changes in mood.

Over all the years I know I can only predict. at it will be unpredictable .

You are doing a lot and are willing to listen to things. You have an insight into your moods d and an upstanding of bipolar.

[Leisa68]

Hi quirkywords

Thank you for posting to me. I never fully realized how sudden a feeling can hit (I always thought that it happened after a build-up). I do not feel that dead feeling at all today, it seems far away. But I know it will be back. I recently read in Carrie Fisher's book that it takes some balls to be bipolar and I think she is right. Today my son is at school and my partner and I are stumbling around looking at each other. But at least I'm not hiding. I have learned a lot about myself this past week. I'm grateful for the help I have received here.

Leisa68

[Bob_22]

Hi Leisa68, great to hear that you feel you're being supported here! I hope you can take something away from these forums and maybe discuss them with your psychologist next week. 🙂