The Black cloud

[lilykitten]

•  I once imagined where I would be at 58. It wasn't an unreasonable dream. It was how I saw my parents life play out. I would work hard, pay off the mortgage and retire at 60 with both my kids settled in their own lives. I would travel the world with my wonderful husband and in between trips work on my artistic practices and my garden.

Instead I find myself divorced with a mortgage even larger than the first one I had almost paid off.

My eldest daughter now 20 is still finding her way after covid and the family breakup. Her confidence is shot and she can't find her direction in life.

My widowed mother who moved next door to help out after my marriage broke up, aged very quickly and now needs more care than I can give her.

My youngest daughter now 18 was diagnosed ASD with a PDA profile 6 years ago. She is in a constant state of anxiety. I am constantly on knife point balancing pacifying her to avoid her striking out and trying hundreds of different therapists and techniques to help her control the meltdowns. I know how it feels to be unable to remove myself from domestic violence.

Then there is work. I'm an art teacher and I thought I was good at it. I have been teaching in the same country school for 27 years. I planned to keep this job for life. At the time of my divorce and my daughter's diagnosis the school leadership changed. The new principal actively started changing the dynamic within the teaching staff favouring younger staff who were cheaper to employ and I was constantly having to justify my actions leading to a drop in my confidence and a feeling of paranoia which has left me with PTSD. The principal has since left but my insecurity never did. I had to reduce my hours due to my carers role and have felt increasingly isolated from my colleagues. Last week when I felt things couldn't get any worse, a student made up a story about something I had supposedly said, to get himself out of trouble at home, and the parent complained about me to the school. This is possibly a career ending complaint and will be investigated. It will be a case of my word against the student's.

So this is my life. It's the lack of control that gets to me. Every solution is out of my hands. All I can do is let things play out. My only possible action is to strengthen my own mental health and get my head above this cloud ☁️

[Bob_22]

Hi lilykitten,

Wow you have been through so much. I know what you mean when you say you feel like everything is out of your hands. You are correct though in identifying that your health is priority and you should do everything in your power to work on that. I am sorry about everything that has happened with your family and at school. I can also imagine the situation about the complaint must be so anxiety provoking especially if your job is on the line. The best thing I think you could do is write down everything that happened that day and explain the truth as systematically as you can. Any evidence would be great. A good incident report goes a long way. 

Regarding things at home, a great resource I can suggest is carer gateway. You can find their website here: https://www.carergateway.gov.au/ They provide great emotional and practical support for carers across the country and it is completely free and funded by the government. They also provide counselling and things such as respite. It is an under utilised service and I would recommend checking it out.

Also, please do your best to prioritise your own needs. Remember to be kind to yourself and lean on your support networks. If art is something your passionate about, then make sure you have enough time in your life to prioritise this. I go to an art therapy class every saturday for a few hours and it is great for my mental health.

Please keep us updated on how you're going.

Bob

[lilykitten]

Well the update is not good. I've never been this down before. Even my kids look worried for me. I can't find any enjoyment and everything I do to tick things of my to do list and feel a bit better, turns to poo. I'm exhausted and sick and given up smoking. Walking around like a zombie on the verge of tears.

[Bob_22]

Hi lilykitten,

I'm sorry to hear you're doing worse than a few months ago. How did your meeting with work go? Did you end up getting a hold of carer gateway as well? They can provide financial assistance if needed. I've had a few clients report great things. It sounds like you've been stuck in a rut for the last few months. Perhaps it is time to seek professional support. Going to a GP would be a great start. Please keep us updated.

Bob