Telling your partner about your depression

[Polpetto]

Hi everyone,
Just recently joined the forum and would really appreciate some advice or have someone share with me their experience of telling their partner about their depression.

A little about me:

I am a male, 25 years old and ex-military. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder in 2015 following my return from an overseas deployment to the middle-east. Early this year I was diagnosed with ADHD sub-type inattentive following a neuropsychological assessment.

As of today, my social anxiety disorder is quite well-managed thanks to some CBT that I received a few years ago however, my depression has been ongoing since 2015 and I have been on and off medication since then. As for my ADHD, I currently am trying to find the right treatment to alleviate my symptoms through medication. I'm on my 2nd trial of stimulant medication, but I am finding that it has been hard to find a middle ground between the benefit and negative symptoms associated with the stimulant medication. I am currently taking two medications daily, though to little effect towards controlling my symptoms.

As time goes by I find that my depression, though sporadic, has become worse and the medication is doing little to help. I feel that quite soon I am going to find it very difficult to cope and will need more support, with the potential for admission to a mental health facility.
This issue I have is that as a result, I will no longer be able to hide my condition from my partner. We've been together almost 3 years now and are engaged, we both want a future together and a family. I, however, can't come to terms with telling her about my depression. Regardless of how irrational it may seem, I feel that as a man I need to be strong and be able to carry this burden on my own. I feel like by telling my partner about my condition it will change the dynamic of our relationship, and that her perception of me will change from her provider and protector to someone she can't look towards for strength, that my reactions to an event from then on will be indicative of my condition. Once that has happened there will be no going back from it and I will be forever constrained to that persona.

I figure that if anyone can give me some advice or share their experiences with telling their partner of their condition it may help me take the necessary step towards talking with her about it.

Hope to hear from you guys soon.

Regards,
K

[-Qball-]

Hi Polpetto,

Welcome to the forum, and thanks for posting. I joined last year and find there's a lot of good advice here. I'm diagnosed Bipolar and have stints of major depression for more than 15 years. I've been with my partner a little longer than that however, if I think back to when I had to break the news to my significant all that time back - the old saying honesty is best rings true.. it's OK to ask for help and be a little vulnerable.. we're human beings not machines. Personally, I chose to ease my partner into my situation. Only you will know what depth of detail to go to, but I'm assuming that having been together 3yr and engaged, you are well vested into each other.

Trust in your partner and your relationship, perhaps be as open and honest that you are proud to be the rock, but even rocks get worn down with time... the thing that helped buffer my partner was that I also had a rough plan so when I couldn't keep my condition secret, I just laid it out and said I'll go get some help. She was OK and supportive, but even i didnt know at the time if she would run as fast as she could..

I can only offer that perhaps if you continue on to absolute breaking point without reaching out for help and sharing this with your partner, it may be a lot more difficult to deal with at that point as opposed to acting now in the moment... I was absolutely dreading that conversation at the time and still remember parts so far down the track, yet it was also a relief to be able to share.. best of luck - I hope something in my words might help you through this tough time. And wish you well in your recovery.

Regards - Q