Sudden disruptive depressive episode

[ClicheOnlineAlias]

I want to open up about this so here I go.

Things have been going pretty well lately. I've been adjusting to a new university which has been challenging but fulfilling. Yesterday I had a pretty unpleasant day. I had three major failures during the day, the last was the worst. I won't get into detail as most people would regard it as a silly minor mistake, but the last one hit me extremely hard emotionally, to the extent that it still effects me now. It has triggered a sudden depressive episode, the worst that I've had in years. Last night I was a mess and this morning I'm not much better.

I feel exhausted, physically and mentally drained. It's only the third week into the semester and I feel like I need a long holiday. My plans for today have fallen apart and I can't afford this lapse, I have work that I need to keep on top of but I can't find the willpower to leave my house. It's so tempting to stay home as lectures are not compulsory to attend. University is all I have going on in my life and when I lose motivation to pursue and study the subjects that I am supposed to love I feel lost, as though my life suddenly has no meaning. I don't know what to do when I lose all motivation to continue building my life.

My mood is also changing as I write this. It builds to the point of stability, to the casual mundane level that I experience every day but I can feel that it is founded on the edge of a precipice that I could fall into at any point while in public. I fear that any minor grievance that I experience while out could devastate me.

I don't really know what I'm asking or seeking with this post. I'm uncomfortable sharing my problems with strangers and I find it difficult to articulate the precise point or purpose that I'm trying to centre this post around. I only know that this is the easiest venue I have for releasing a burden that I'd otherwise keep contained and silent.

[JustinR27]

Hi,

To start off this sounds exactly the same as me except four years ago. Adjusting to university from high school, (I assume, could be wrong) is a MASSIVE change. I loved university, especially what I studied but my first year there was really difficult and anxiety provoking. I found particular throughout that year there were moments when I just needed to get out and wanted to run away from everything. I felt very alone and I felt so disorganised that it made me have anxiety attacks.

The most important thing to note is that it will get better. Opening up to a friend around you might help, maybe just a friend whom you feel you could talk to about this stuff because trust me a lot of them are all feeling the same.

Another piece of advice is to not be hard on yourself when you make mistakes. Every human makes mistakes. How realistic is it that you expect to not do anything silly? if you think in this way it will only set you up to fail. So learn to be less hard on yourself and accept that you are going to have bad days. It seems like your thinking you can't fail at all becuase uni is the only thing going for you. That's a lot of pressure so just try to be more easy going on yourself. Another thing is to get a more balanced lifestyle that involves seeing friends more often, exercising, maybe join a club that interests you. This will actually help you be more productive with your time and do better at uni. Planning out your day also helps.

The last thing I will say is you need to get rid of this idea that your mood is going to be immediately fixed. If you went to sleep last night feeling like shit, how likely is it that you are going to wake up feeling perfectly normal? so you need to learn to accept and tolerate these symptoms of depression ride with them until they recede which they will and not expect yourself to constantly be happy and constantly productive.

help this helps.

[geoff]

hi COA, the last failure you had may seem to be trivial for most people but on a depression site nothing is taken as being better or worse than one another, and because it has triggered a sudden episode of depression then it's very important.
Sometimes when you do open up a little bit to people who have been through their own struggle with depression for many years is no different than 'talking under water', plus there are those on this site who are still battley with depression.
I could suggest that you defer your uni, but in saying that would only mean that you won't leave the house and that's something that we would like to discuss with you. Geoff.

[ClicheOnlineAlias]

Hello JustinR27 and geoff ,

I appreciate your replies and apologise for my late response.

I'd like to let you know that I am doing better since posting this thread. I am still having difficulties but I am determined to see them through. I've taken steps to improve my situation, including setting regular appointments with the uni counselling service.

JustinR27 - I've taken your advice on board not to be too hard on myself to ease the stressful burden of assignments and other work. However, I am concerned that thinking this way may cause my work ethic to deteriorate. This is even more concerning as I already find it difficult to find the motivation to stay on top of weekly readings and tutorial prep. I do exercise regularly and have been doing so for some time. It certainly does help to manage depression and anxiety. I have also joined two uni clubs and have attended events for both. I joined in pursuit of making friends, which is something I often have great difficulty doing.

geoff - I have considered deferring if my situation deteriorates to the point of being unbearable. I would then take the time to work on my mental health before considering returning to study. That said, I am quite durable and have had many depressive lapses during my life and while they do make general day-to-day living much more difficult, to the point of near exhaustion, I feel I can endure these cycles as I have done before. It would take a substantially negative event for me to make the decision to defer for a semester or two. I think things will improve in time anyway, this is just a period of adjustment that is taking a small toll.

Thanks again,

COA

[Frangipanni]

That feeling that the next thing will make you fall- i get that. I'm at that stage at the moment, struggling to keep everything even trying to keep out of that deep back hole and I know it's only a matter of time until it happens.

I don't have anything useful to say, I just wanted you to know that I perfectly understand the feelings you are experiencing, and the fear too, that it's all going to come undone.

You are not alone. Hang in there tomorrow might be a better day that gives you a bit of breathing space

[ClicheOnlineAlias]

Thank you for your kind and supportive words, Frangipanni. Sometimes a few kind words are all someone needs.

I wish you all the strength to overcome your difficulties.

COA