Ashamed

[Bella-Rose]

My problems start from a young age. I was an only child growing up in the middle of the bush. My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 6 ( at this stage i was aware something was wrong but i was never told why ) when i was 7 I was told I had to stay with my aunty while my parents went away for work, when really my mum was dying, it wasn't till I was at school the next day and was picked up in the morning and told she had died that I even knew mum was sick and so I was raised by my dad. I don't have any close family other than him. When I turned 16 I got a dog named bella and I know this is going to sound stupid but I loved her to peices. When I was sad or lonely I always had her. Just before my 25th birthday I was going to fly home so I could see her as I moved away from my dad. I hadn't seen her in 3 years and it was the one thing I needed. A week before my flight my Bella died suddenly and it felt like my whole world fell apart right then and there. I felt so much guilt for not being there when she needed me most and I think that triggered alot of my messed up feelings because it was the same way I had felt when my mum passed because I wasn't there. My dad now lives alone and never re-married. I always worry about him because my Bella isn't there to keep him company. I also worry about my future as I have no family but him and no close friends I could talk to or could open up to. My boyfriend isnt the nicest person and dosent understand why im always down. Sadly were only stuck together still because of financial probelms. (I come home and lock myself in the bathroom and cry before he gets home because I don't want him to yell at me) I always feel so stressed and completely overwhelmed. Im just a big mess of emotions to be honest and I just don't know how to cope anymore. I'm tired of being exhausted and sad and always hurting on the inside while I put on and act for everyone else.

[Croix]

Dear Bella-Rose~
When you don’t know how to cope coming here, to the Forum, can be a real good thing. There are people here with all sorts of experiences, they just want to share and help.

You have had a tough life and I can just imagine your feelings when you found your mum had passed away – without you having time to prepare. Then Bella doing the same.

You sound a lovely caring person and it is just not fair. Also being saddled with a boyfriend for such a reason. Not good. The fact that he yells at you and displays no understanding – terrible.

Even if one can’t understand what goes on in a loved one’s head, the fact that they are in distress should rouse protective caring instincts – not yelling. Should try to help, even if not quite sure what to do. That’s what my wife did when I was in a really bad place.

You can’t keep on going as you are, overwhelmed, crying, worrying, not knowing how to cope. I needed outside help in a big way when I was like that and I don’t imaging you are much different.

If it was up to me I’d book a long consultation with my GP. Then at my leisure write down everything, the past, present, how you feel, what you think. Then share the paper in the consultation. (I had to do this to get everything out).

Ask to be tested for depression and anxiety. If your doctor thinks fit you may be given meds, a Health Plan, visits to a psychologist with therapy and guided self-help. Trying to keep going by yourself will only make things worse. Seeing your doctor is the start of recovery.

I could say more but that’s enough for now.

Please write again, you will be met with understanding and care

Croix

[kanga_brumby]

Dear Bella-Rose firstly welcome to bb forums. i rely feel for you. similar to your farther i lost my partner due to brest cancer, our children also lost there mother, at 2 and 5 respectfully. I have had to be mother and farther to both. covering all issues. Even female ones. I have graved with both of them when appropriate. This is something you have to do for the loss of your mother, and your bella.

All loss has an element of grief attached to it. You have to deal with it I still grieve for my partner. That's 15 years now. the only difference now is. All the little ducks fly in formation. It still herts me but not quite as bad. You could approach your gp for advice. Or if your depressed and need more helpful advice come back here we will try to help

Kanga