Such joy ambition finds?

[Dorian_Gray]

About a month ago an opportunity for a promotion came up at work and I applied, I’d been doing plenty of things above my level, was working diligently all the time, so was fairly confident. I duly applied, had the interview etc. and then a fortnight after found out I had succeeded…why should it have amazed me when I always knew…

I thought I would feel proud, successful, good about myself, for an instant as I was told I did, but by the time I was back at my desk there was nothing but sadness…I realised that, there is no one for me to share this good news with, no one to share in my success, no one who would have consoled me had the opposite occurred. I have all this success in my career, yet nothing else, there is no one to go home to, I have all this money and nothing to do with it, no one to buy gifts or surprises for, to take on holiday….just left with the fear that I never will have anyone who really cares about me.

At this time when I should be feeling up about myself, that my skills and abilities are recognised, I just feel what use are they, what is the point, why am I even bothering to succeed in this way or work so hard, I get nothing from it anymore, no one else benefits, it just denies other the opportunity - I reflected on another applicant who lost out because I won, he
has a wife and child on the way…how much more he needs the extra salary than I do…yet he has someone to console him in defeat…I would trade everything I have achieved in life for one moment of that, yet who can offer such an exchange?

I know others struggle to get or keep a job, here I am with a good one, vast resources…yet its still not enough…is there no limit to the emptiness one heart can hold? I can tell these events are edging me back towards a depressive state, I've been there before for other reasons, yet how many more times can i find ways to soothe the different causes...I start to toy with the thought, perhaps 'tis better to reign..... Has anyone else had such a situation, where their successes only embitter them more and lay bare critical absences? How did you deal with it etc.?

[Cornstarch]

Oh Mr or Mrs Wilde don't go to Reading Goal.

Stay here with us.

I am not succesful so I have nothing to add except that.

[Cornstarch]

And a Bluetooth hug

[Zeal]

Hi Dorian Gray,

Congratulations on the promotion! You earned that with your hard work, persistence and skills. The man who didn't get the promotion wasn't quite the best person for the job - that person is you! It made me sad to read that you feel he probably needs the salary more. He doesn't deserve it more though, just because he has a wife, and will soon have a child. It's possible that having extra responsibility at work may have meant he had less time to spend with his child and wife. The main message I want to communicate is that this is your achievement and you are definitely deserving of it 🙂

The fact that you crave meaningful interpersonal relationships and want to share your life with others is encouraging. Though you haven't found someone you want to be with romantically yet, there are thankfully many other options for connecting. Family relationships are incredibly important - especially where mental illness is concerned. I'm 23 and still live at home with my parents and sister. My Mum is the family member I'm closest to. I also get along really well with my cousin who's the same age as me. Calling family (and visiting them if they're close by) regularly is a good way to keep connected. Do you have a family member you are closest to?

I am glad you can recognize that you are slipping back into a depressive state. Seeing your doctor (GP) or another professional as soon as possible is advisable. Getting the help early could prevent a relapse.

Hope to hear back from you 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[Cornstarch]

I concur with Zeal regarding your promotion. It was upsetting to read that you questioned the choice of candidate. I also agree that family and friends can be pivotal in maintaining your own emotional well-being and mental health.

But I hate it when people attempt to talk you out of your feelings.

I don't want to just fob you off or attempt to cover up the fact that you would like a loving partner. There clearly is intimacy lacking in your life and it is completely natural to yearn for it.

Who doesn't.

You need physical intimacy, you can't just say 'oh but I have family'.

There is so much pressure to 'be grateful' and all the Zen, self-help jargon flows through your head and can be overwhelming.

The reality is I've realised it is completely normal to want things.

There is no shame in wanting things for yourself.

And wanting a loving partner.

I hope you get it.

[Dorian_Gray]

You’re spot on Cornstarch, you seem to get it, I really respect that, and in a strange way it helps me…I suppose in the way everyone feels validated intellectually when someone agrees with them or sees their point of view..

You’re right, we want what we want, no shame in that, yet how do we respond when we can’t get it…keep trying as I have done…for how long though…

I remember reading once loneliness is not the absence of any relationship, but of a particular kind of satisfying relationship, which no other kinds of relationships, no matter how many you may have, can substitute for.

I’ve done all the self-help, happy in yourself things I think you refer to during previous rounds of depression/suicidal ideation, its wastes the time, but time is also wasting me in the process. It was always about substituting and trying to shift my attention, but the underlying issue was never addressed, because let’s face it what doctor or counsellor can prescribe a spouse?

[Dorian_Gray]

No visits to Reading yet, for now my prison is only walking through this world all alone and staring into my ever more decrepit portrait.

[Dorian_Gray]

Hi Zeal,

Thanks for taking the time to write back,

It’s not my ability I doubt, or deserving the promotion, it’s a question of even with such ability what good is it to me if I am still without the things that are meaningful? Why even try, what am I now trying to achieve, - see the worlds I’ve conquered, won every spin of the wheel, get all these things I go after and yet its only emptiness I feel…

It’s also the moral factor – after all don’t you send women and children on the life raft first, how much more so then provide them with resources above someone like me – so whilst it is a business decision, it leaves me feeling like I’ve cheated a whole family out of something. And honestly there is a jealousy there, I see what he has, and despair for myself, and a kind of cruel satisfaction at finally having something he doesn’t.

Family none, friends (outside of work and there they are paid to talk to me) none.…there’s the thing, when I say no one I mean no one. I’ve done all the things to try pushing through my social anxiety, joined sporting things, art classes etc. for years not a one. But ultimately they are no substitute for what I really want anyway…You’re right I do recognise the issue growing but as it is I’ve exhausted so many strategies in previous instances, and found myself back here again, each time due to a different trigger admittedly, that I think there is little left to try and less that can actually work. If getting promoted can't get me feeling positive what can?

I guess for now I just keep repeating the same day.

[Cornstarch]

Dorian I have already attempted to pimp out my little sister on another thread, but if you are male would you like to date her?

Lightbeam is in downward facing meditative silence right cradling a broken heart.

[Cornstarch]

You're exactly right doctors can't prescribe a spouse Dorian. And in the end it can't just be any warm body that comes your way.

If it's not there, it's just not there.

But I don't want Reading goal to be your other option either. It's cold, dark, dank and Mr Wilde's visit didn't end nicely. You're really switched on so I won't patronise you any further.

I hope it works out for you. And yes, it's fine to want things for yourself.

There's no guilt or shame in wanting intimacy.