stuck in an endless depressive anxious loop...

[complex]

suffocating avolition is giving me severe anxiety bc of things I'm not doing/starting/finishing/the effort of studying seemed so great I dropped out of uni/I barely exist most days. seemingly, though, I don't feel enough anxiety to shake off my apathetic existence.

I can't enjoy hobbies or fun things bc of the anxiety that comes from knowing I'm not doing the things I need to do. I can't commit to long time-consuming hobbies (reading a book, playing a long story driven videogame, watching a multi-season tv show) bc I'm afraid of tunnel vision, of becoming so lost in it, I forget about anything else. it's moronic to fear this when even without committing to these time-consuming hobbies, I still can't find the energy to do anything I'm supposed to do. eventually, I feel that I lose interest in my hobbies, bc even contemplating one while struggling with the resulting anxiety feels like more effort than I have within me to give.

I'm in an endless loop of: having things I need to do > not being able to do things I need to do > not being able to do things I want to do instead > feeling anxious and helpless over this personal failing > resorting to aimless low effort activities if not just sleeping.

this seemingly endless struggle is sucking any joy from my life. I've felt shades of this on and off for several years (I'm 25 now) but it's been exponentially worse in the last 6 months. and this loop is accompanied, of course, by my ever faithful inability to feel content for any measure of time that isn't fleeting. a shortcoming I've felt since I was 15.

the only thing I actively manage to force myself to do, is to go to work. I can't even begin to fathom the repercussions of losing my job so it's the only fear strong enough to get me to do something I need to do. but even then, I'm making good use of my "sick leave" and liberty to "work from home". I'm lucky to be on time 2 out of the 5 days of the week, if I even manage a 5 day attendance record.

growing up, I was told that mental health isn't real, that any issues you have are consequences of your actions, that everyone feels "sad" or "anxious", you just get over it. I'm struggling to come to terms with the fact that maybe I need professional help, maybe medication. I feel anxious even thinking of how I would have to hide this from my family out of shame. I don't even know whether to see a counselor or a psychologist or a psychiatrist. what even is the difference? who will help me, please...

[Miyamoto]

Hi Complex,

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm a little older than yourseld, but have been experiencing the same thing, since I was about 16. Work forced me to do something, because, like you say, the consequences of losing a job are so great that the fear of that was the motivator and sometimes still can be.

I think you are on the right track, recognising that something is amiss and realising you need some medical help.

If I were in your position, I'd start by seeing my GP, and they can give you advice whether to see a psychologist, psychiatrist or both.

In terms of the difference, a psychologist isnt a medical doctor, they specialise in behaviour management and helping people to overcome their own restraints mentally.

A psychiatrist is qualified in psychology, but is also a medical doctor, and as such has understanding of brain chemistry and so on, and can prescribe medications if necessary once they know what your situation is and if medicstions are even necessary. Usually meds are only prescribed once your psychiatrist knows what your suffering from.

Anyway that's my understanding, hopefully if I'm a little off someone can enlighten us both more accurately!

But again, I'd advise you start by seeing your GP, as they are in the best position to help to start with, and can refer you to a specialist, like a psychologist or psychiatrist, once they know your situation.

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through, I know it's cliche and when people say it to me when I'm feeling the same as you describe it is hard to make use of this, but remember all the things you've done that you're proud of, and positives of life.

Look after yourself 🙂

[jayboyblue]

Hi complex,

I completely resonate with what you feel like regarding the lack of commitment for everything. I have M.D.D. and PTSD and let me assure you that what you are feeling is typically common in the depression pool. You did the right thing by reaching out anonymously and there is support out there mate. It's just a matter of finding that right medication or therapy or whatever suites your well being?

I'd like to touch on a key point you raised regarding family perception of your struggle (if you don't mind )? Firstly there are two main causes of depression REACTIVE and HEREDITARY. What your parents said to you about mental health stigma is both a common parent conditioning statement in an attempt to snap you back into reality from their p.o.v. depression never was a big deal in their early days so that is probably the main reason for that statement unless it's ignorance? But know in your heart that it doesn't make you any less valuable as a human being. And if that is the expected reaction from your family then remember that you have NO OBLIGATION to disclose anything to anyone who you fear may throw it back in your face. It is important that you find someone who understands you and is non judgmental so you can open up to them. If you need therapy? Try start with a counselor and if it doesn't help, then a psychologist is next step up. There's some great psychology professionals around and with a mental health plan made via your GP you can access 10 session's under the Medicare rebate.

I wish you all the best mate, reach out on this site if you ever need a vent. Sometimes it really helps me to rattle off on forums? Peace

[SPOONO]

Hi complex, have you thought about 'mens shed'. There is an association for those of us with not a lot to do, everyones in the same boat and there's no 'look at him' or 'look at me'. Very laid back way of spending your time while you wait for something a bit more productive to come up. Another trick I use is writing down whatever I've done during the day so I don't have to think how pathetic it was. If I need to check I only have to open messages on my phone. It saves the agony of having it going round and round in your head. You only have to remember where you wrote it, not what you wrote. Hope you find this helpful, it works for me. All my best wishes