I don’t really know where to start, I wouldn’t say I’m at my worst
because there’s definitely been worse times but I just feel so down and
lost. Ive been trying, trying so hard to stay positive, do things that
make me happy and trying to put myself f...
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I don’t really know where to start, I wouldn’t say I’m at my worst
because there’s definitely been worse times but I just feel so down and
lost. Ive been trying, trying so hard to stay positive, do things that
make me happy and trying to put myself first. It helps for a bit but
then when I’m alone at night I know I’m not truly happy. Doing things I
love brings me temporary happiness, all I want is to be happy with
myself but I don’t know if I ever will be. I don’t have a job, I don’t
study it makes me feel like a big failure but I just can’t find anything
that’s for me and my anxiety doesn’t help that. I have no friends, maybe
some acquaintances but people seem to always leave. I know my anxiety
might be the reason but it shouldn’t make them leave. Feeling alone is
one of the worst feelings, not feeling good enough. I have to pretend
I’m happy to make them happy but as soon as I can’t pretend anymore they
are gone or hurt me. Boyfriend doesn’t understand, I’ve tried and trying
for me is hard because it’s so extremely personal and it’s like he
doesn’t care. He says he does but like right now it’s his birthday next
week and all he cares about is sexual things. When I’ve told him how I
feel about myself, I know I shouldn’t stay because he deserves better
but I’m too scared to make someone feel pain because I know how it
feels. I love my family above anything else, I’ve lost a lot of them but
that’s made me realise how important family is, I feel like such a
disappointment to them. I should have a job, growing, moving out but I’m
not. I can’t express how I feel to them because I’ve worried them
enough, seeing the pain I caused them is too much. I never want to do
that again. I think too negatively about myself, I know I do. I love too
much, care too much and try to make others happy before myself. I feel
like I just need that one person who understands, I want to be
understood. I know people say doctors help but to me they never have, I
don’t want medication I don’t need. I understand and have nothing
against it but for me personally this is a part of me and I’m not going
to numb it, I’m going to beat it. I don’t trust them from past
experiences. Thank you in advance, I really appreciate it. I just want
happiness, with my life and most importantly within myself. I just don’t
know how.