So down, so lost

[Lilac1]

I don’t really know where to start, I wouldn’t say I’m at my worst because there’s definitely been worse times but I just feel so down and lost.

Ive been trying, trying so hard to stay positive, do things that make me happy and trying to put myself first. It helps for a bit but then when I’m alone at night I know I’m not truly happy. Doing things I love brings me temporary happiness, all I want is to be happy with myself but I don’t know if I ever will be.

I don’t have a job, I don’t study it makes me feel like a big failure but I just can’t find anything that’s for me and my anxiety doesn’t help that.

I have no friends, maybe some acquaintances but people seem to always leave. I know my anxiety might be the reason but it shouldn’t make them leave. Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings, not feeling good enough. I have to pretend I’m happy to make them happy but as soon as I can’t pretend anymore they are gone or hurt me.

Boyfriend doesn’t understand, I’ve tried and trying for me is hard because it’s so extremely personal and it’s like he doesn’t care. He says he does but like right now it’s his birthday next week and all he cares about is sexual things. When I’ve told him how I feel about myself, I know I shouldn’t stay because he deserves better but I’m too scared to make someone feel pain because I know how it feels.

I love my family above anything else, I’ve lost a lot of them but that’s made me realise how important family is, I feel like such a disappointment to them. I should have a job, growing, moving out but I’m not. I can’t express how I feel to them because I’ve worried them enough, seeing the pain I caused them is too much. I never want to do that again.

I think too negatively about myself, I know I do. I love too much, care too much and try to make others happy before myself. I feel like I just need that one person who understands, I want to be understood.

I know people say doctors help but to me they never have, I don’t want medication I don’t need. I understand and have nothing against it but for me personally this is a part of me and I’m not going to numb it, I’m going to beat it. I don’t trust them from past experiences.

Thank you in advance, I really appreciate it. I just want happiness, with my life and most importantly within myself. I just don’t know how.

[quirkywords]

Lilac,

Thanks for writing this post and expressing how you feel.

I can sense how lost and alone you are.

When people are down it can feel that no one understands or cares but often that is the depression tricking them.

I can understand that you don't want medication. have you tried meditation, mindfulness, counselling or CBT - cognitive behaviour theory. There are different things you can try.

Many people reading your post, like me will understand how you are feeling.

I do not like the word should and failure as they put pressure on us.

What do you like to do? Do you like music, art, books, walking etc? I know you don't have a job at the moment and are not studying but is there something you like doing that would bring you enjoyment.

hanks again for your honesty

Quirky

[Karina_S]

Hi Lilac1, thank you so much for posting this, it has helped me see how similar we are. I don't feel so alone now, as I had been previously feeling.

I've been trying to find answers too, I have everything, yet I feel numb in the inside. I just want to feel happy again, and not just for a temporary moment. I love my family too and put others before myself. It's just so hard to put that fake smile again and again, isn't it? But you are not alone, thank you for making me feel as if I am not. You don't know how much this post relates and means to me personally.

I always put Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the dark or Bobby McFerrin's Don't worry be happy song when I'm down. Or deep breathe. It has really helped me. Or look at some trees whilst going for a stroll outside. I've started uni in the past year, so I can relate to the "not studying", "finding a job" or "actually learning to adult". It is really difficult, but I am learning to forgive myself. Sometimes its important to just go easy on yourself, and I know it is extremely difficult to do that, believe me, but I'm trying to, and when I do, it really helps. I just picture that the road ahead may be difficult, but we'll both learn from it and this challenge ahead will make us so much stronger. Hopefully this helps you in some way. You are so brave for so being open, a trait I admire a lot, thank you =)))