Stuck and alone in a small ball

[Fmlsad]

Hi everyone,

 I have suffered from depression and anxiety for 15+ years, starting as a teenager.

I have always managed for the most part, though lately it is getting the better of me.

I am a single mum, with a very lacking ex who does not make time for the kids, nor helps me with them and does not help financially, so I don't get a break. 

I have no family - except a mother in law that is 1400kms away - and she has her own issues, so I really hate to burden her.

I want to join some groups, but find it hard to find kid friendly, low cost options.

so here I am, hoping to find some like minded people to rally with and talk to when I feel so low and just need human interaction - without the online chats who just seem to want to talk sex all the time - and maybe lead to some RL friendships.

I have separated in the last few months - after 11 years - it was my decision and I was quite happy about it, but he is very good at manipulating me and with my depression I can be very easily led, hence his mind games have sent me into a downward spiral, I really was in a nice place, getting my life in order, reaching out to new social circles, however now I just want to roll into a ball and not move - I know it's just the depression, but I just can't function or get past it.

[geoff]

dear Fmlsad, and I accept that the last 3 letters of your avatar is how you feel, but if you would like to post in the BB cafe then you will be able to talk to people from this site and it's free, who talk about whatever they want and people respond back to them.
When anyone who has depression even at the age of 15 can put on a brave face and pretend that nothing is wrong is a heavy load for you to carry, but you always think that it will pass, it may or it's just pushed aside into the back of your brain because you maybe too scared to ask for help.
I am pleased that you made that decision to separate from your ex as he obviously wasn't providing for the family nor helping you at all, but his manipulation should really stop, especially if he's not helping financially, which he has to, but we can go into that later on if you wish, and to follow on from this you can block his calls, emails and texts messages and if he posts a letter then tear it up.
Get your confidence back by joining the cafe and know that your ex is only causing you trouble and only wanting to upset you, but you're better than that, and I can see it, because you have left him and that's a big decision. Geoff. x

[Fmlsad]

Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply... I know that's what I need to do and I was doing that up until a week ago - it had been months since there were any feelings and whenever he brought it up I would change subject of a few times I had to hang up on him and ignore his calls/texts. But for whatever reason I let my guard down over the weekend and he got to me, so I went from being happy and driven - to well rolled in a ball and I know it's stupid, I know I need to stop obsessing and I'm sure he's done it to hurt me, but it worked and now I can't get past these feelings, this 'need' for him to talk to me... My head tells me I don't want and that we're apart for a good reason, but my heart is making me curl up and mourn. I think I will speak to a GP 2 day and hope to find away to shut off the horrible down feelings. 

[Kazzl]

Hi flmsad, welcome to the forum, it's great that you have joined us.  

I support what Geoff said about posting in the BB Cafe. It's under the Community board. It's a busy place, but very welcoming. The regulars are from all walks of life and ages, including some single parents. And we all have different experiences of depression and anxiety. So if you're looking for somewhere to chat with likeminded people, that's a good place to go. I'll post in there to ask everyone to look out for you.

There are various other threads that might interest you, on the Community board, which has threads about hobbies and interests, and in the Staying Well board which has threads about walking, pets and so on.

If you would prefer to stick to your own thread at this stage that's fine too. There will be others along to talk to who understand how hard it is to function and keep going when the black dog bites. 

So have a good read around the forum and feel free to join in anywhere you wish.

May I ask if you are receiving treatment for your depression? Do you have a counsellor or someone you see and talk to? It really helps, and at the least you should seek help from your doctor. We can't get past it just by willing it away unfortunately.

I'd love to hear more about you - how old are your kids? How many do you have? What do you like to do when you're well?

Again, welcome. I hope we can help you and get to know you.

Best wishes 

Kaz

xx

[White_Rose]

Dear Fmlsad

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's great that you can post here. I fully understand about your husband's manipulation as my husband was the same. Definitely knew the buttons to push. And it is so frustrating when he takes you from happy to sad and you are stuck there.

So what are you going to do? Geoff has suggested blocking all phone calls, texts and emails. That way you will not be faced with answering the phone accidentally or believing he has phoned to be nice. Do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist at all? If you feel you are going too far down it may be a good idea to ask your GP for a referral. I see you have an appointment today, so make the best of it by telling all.

Here is a web site  for some materials to help you get out of the hole you are in. I get into these holes after I have been to a family gathering where my ex is present. Invariably I return home spitting the dummy big time and get really down. http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=54 Have a look at the material.  There is a lot of information but it's worthwhile. I found this myself some time ago, then I went to a new psychologist who started working with me on this exact stuff. Well at least I got a giggle.

What is especially is the section on self soothing. I'm not good at that and find it very useful. This has to be a short post as I have an appointment with my psych and must leave now. I hope to hear from you soon.

Mary

[Fmlsad]

Hi, thanks for your post... I have been to see GP and been put on AD, I also have an appointment with a counsellor next week. Yes it is very difficult knowing he can still will that power over me, I honestly thought I was past it... It's even more frustrating that he can't make time for his own kids, but they see it as my fault because I left him. I need to separate myself from that situation again and fill my life with other things and people... It will just take time.

[White_Rose]

Ah yes, time! When we are unhappy time drags past so slowly. Happiness vanishes in a flash. I think that tells us a lot about how we think and how we allow our thoughts to take over.

I really recommend you look up the materials I suggested. Another suggestion is to try and remember all the good things that have happened in the weeks preceding your husband's comments. The bad things are so often front and centre, but push them aside and see all the lovely things that were unfolding in your life.

The ADs will kick in after a few weeks so don't expect much immediately. How old are your children? I ask because I think you should be able to have a chat with them about why they do not see their father. It's his choice as much as yours. Having said that, I know my children blamed me for leaving, which is true, but sad because they thought their dad was OK. It was only later when they realise he hadn't changed, was still doing all the things they blamed me for, that they began to think I may have had a valid reason for leaving. It's sad isn't it. My children were grown up and had left home when I left after 30 years.

Mary

[geoff]

dear Fmlsad, thanks for your reply and those from Mary and Kaz, but what he is doing is that he knows exactly how to break you down, that's what he wants to do, so matter how nice he may seem to be when he talks or texts to you, he is only doing this to upset, annoy and frustrate you, and the only way to stop it is to block him. Geoff. x