Struggling

[Carlyrm]

This week is hard for my it's my father's birthday who passed away nearly 11 years ago it's two days before my own. I'm so scared of being alone on my birthday but have few friends, I feel crap to force them to do something with me. I've been on a two week break from work (just normal xmas holidays) and this weekend I'm feeling sad about it and I'm feeling alone - I only hung out with one friend during these holidays, mostly spent time with family and getting a things done that I otherwise wouldn't have time to do. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work on Monday so these feelings can subside too. I've been stressed out a bit due to an aggressive friend who I don't associate with anymore (before new year) and dealing with rude service from my previous job service provider (the people who you are referred to when unemployed) which has led me to file a complaint. These things don't bother me as much. I worry about when my social life will pick up, when I have close friends in my life I can trust and really care about me when I tell my mother about doing something social when I come back the first question is always "did they show up?" -- and that's how bad it's been for me. I have made a few new friends but I'm still a bit shy I don't chase friends for social things as I used to get let down a lot so I find myself holding back more so. It's hard to do it but I don't want to isolate myself. I miss being able to talk to someone on a regular basis, my ex and I were such close friends for a long time but I feel our friendship is over and it wouldn't be right to contact him. He broke up with me in August and nothing has been the same since, I feel I've begun to move forward but it's times like this where I feel grief for my father and lonely that I feel there's no one to confide in. My new friends are nice but we're not that close. I'm so scared of being alone on my birthday. I'm so scared.

[bzb]

Dear Carlyrm,

I am so sorry for the loss of your father. My stepfather passed away one and a half years ago, so I understand what you are saying. I do miss him, some days are worse than others especially Christmas and his birthday. 

I used to hate going out and I didn't want to make my friends be with me, similar to what you stated. However, your birthday is a special day and if they are true friends, they will spend the time with you and make it a good day for you. I would encourage you to organise something and see how it goes 😉

Perhaps finding a counsellor or asking your GP for a referral may be beneficial that way you have someone to confide in and trust and they will be there when you need them? That way you know you are not alone, and you can receive the support that you need and when you need it. Please also post here as there are many supportive people and remember you can contact beyond blue.

Please let us know how you are going. Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

take care,

bzb

[Keir]

Hi, Carly

I can totally relate to your feeling of loneliness. For me, as a depressive, it was self-imposed. I spent nearly a decade of my life after my divorce with two best friends - solitude and one-and-a-half bottles of wine every night. (Wot? Me an alcoholic!?)

Just over two years ago I joined a local Toastmasters International club. I discovered wonderful friends. True friends who support me through my episodes of depression. Friends who love me for who and what I am (and THAT can be pretty damn difficult, let me assure you). 

Yes, it required effort. But I was honest with my new friends, telling them freely of my manic-depression (they had to understand my outrageous manic behaviour, after all). The result was they understood me. They sought to help me when I needed it.

Carly, I urge you to push yourself outside your comfort zone. It will be an initial effort well worth it. Join an organisation/club that meets on a regular basis. You *will* find people who will embrace and support you. It can change your life.

Yours in survival - Keir

[geoff]

dear Carly, loneliness, is the prerequisite for depression, and even if we really people with us, then this may or may not be successful.

Can I ask you a question, you say that you are looking forward to going back to work, is this because it maybe a way to escape, and if so, then it's only covering your situation up on a temporary basis. 

Your friend I don't believe you should contact, as much has passed under the bridge since August, and secondly you may not know if he has meet someone in the mean time, and if he has then this is only going to make your position worse off, and you don't need this at this stage.

Hope you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Carlyrm

I understand exactly what you’re saying in regard to the upcoming birthday of your father … what date was your Dad’s b’day … my Dad’s b’day was the 8th Jan.  This Wednesday … he unfortunately lost his battle to leukaemia in 2007 and for me, it still feels like yesterday.  I’m still grieving intensely for him and miss him so so much.  It just hurts.

These times are never easy … and with your birthday coming up, it’s another reminder as well … by the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU.

Bzb provided some excellent suggestions and yeah, why not send out a small invite to a few of your friends, maybe even for after work drinks or something like that.

I really wish I could provide you with some better suggestions, but can I just please say that I am here for you and will listen (or most likely read) anything that you feel comfortable in posting.

How are you going today?

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  I'm so slow at typing, in the time that I've done up your response, two other kind souls have produced excellent posts to you as well.  🙂

[Carlyrm]

Hi all. Sorry it's taken a while for me to reply, felt off the last few days physically I recently saw my doctor and I'm quite low in iron and yesterday my blood pressure was quite low too. Not sure how I survived work without collapsing and a lot of the time I had irrational, negative and angry thoughts going through my head. Along with my father's birthday yesterday everything compounds and I think of everything that I know could possibly make me feel bad. I asked someone I haven't met before on twitter to go out for dinner tomorrow night so at least that's something. I have felt bad because I don't feel I have friends present in my life, it seems like they're there and then they leave I feel on a high when they're around but depleted sometime later on. I'm scared the night will end early and the last few times I've been out it has and have felt down about it. I want to be happy and carefree. Sometimes I feel stuck like I can't do this or that and hold myself back, I want to go to Melbourne to hang out with a friend over there soon but I'm scared of travelling and not sure what to do when I get to the airport (which sounds absurd I know) and scared of taking time off work (even though they're quite kind and flexible). I put up excuses in my head and it hurts. I wish I was less alone it would be easier to cope

[Neil_1]

Hi Carly

It’s great to hear back from you … although not so great to hear that things aren’t much better for you.  Birthdays, anniversaries can really be tough times to get through and that’s ok to be down and sad at these times. 

You sound an image of like me when you said:  “… I think of everything that I know could possibly make me feel bad” – and you know what, we do do that because we have this illness.  It somehow makes us look for the worst things that will make us feel bad … that makes us feel shite … and sad, you name it.

With regard to the night ending early … try not to feel scared by that … I mean you should be given a HUGE tick and pat on the back for even making it out in the first place.  Who cares if it doesn’t roll on for ages?  Just try and enjoy the time for however long it lasts.

I want to push you on one thing though.  Carly, I want so see if you can do this … see if you can go to Melbourne to see your friend.  Ok, travelling will be a huge thing for you.  But you know, travelling by plane, you can talk to the stewards prior to the flight and let them know of your concerns and I’ve read before that this does happen and they will go out of their way to look after you and make sure you get through it ok.  It’s really a brilliant thing that they do.  By the sounds of it, your work are ok with you taking some time off … and really, it might just be for a long weekend or something … take either the Friday or Monday off and spend a lovely long weekend with your friend in Melbourne.  Get them to treat you when you’re there and take some time out to have some quality “Carly-time” so you can put all the demons in the back of your mind during this time.  What do you think Carly?

Love to hear back from you

Neil

[Carlyrm]

Thanks for the reply Neil!
My birthday was quite good last night, we spent up until 10:30 together then I went for a walk in the city and saw someone I went to school with and it was nice to touch base with them again. Seemed to bump into a few people I know too and it was really comforting and reminds me people do care and think about me. At times it's hard to think of those things lately I have been reminded of them in the last few days. I've felt myself moving forward from the horrific break up I went through. 

Last night I did see my ex and we talked, much like normal friends do but when his ex-partner called and asked who he saw out that night he didn't even mention me and I felt hurt about it because I thought perhaps we could form a friendship as time passed it would be okay. Because he isn't completely separated from her I was always a secret when we were together and it hurt me because all she wants is for him to move on too (they live together still and have a child). By the end of the night I shed some tears not over the top but said I couldn't be friends or contact him any longer I just can't keep hurting every now and then - it's the only right way for me. He said he deserves to be a recluse and things like that I just want the best for him and that's what I told him this morning. It made me a little sad but in a strange way relieved. When he ended it with me I felt I lost my lover and my best friend and I had very few people to talk to along with other stresses in my life at the time it led me to suicidal thoughts and self harm. None of those things help or bring the person I wanted back. Even if he offered me everything I wouldn't want him now. I deserve better than being second in line. Losing him as a friend hurts a bit but I know I will gain close friends in my life again it all takes time and perhaps we all get in a big hurry and think we have to have it all together all the time. I feel the worst part is over and slowly I'll gain what I want in my life back which are strong friendships. When the time is right I'll be in a relationship again and I'm okay with that. 

Perhaps it's just my heath and my father's birthday that caused such high anxiety. A lot of 2013 I was quite isolated and somewhat unloved I know it's over now and that's a relief. I am trying to focus on things that make me feel good and also friends even though I can count them on one hand, at least that's better than none hey. Thanks Neil I'm really going to look into going to Melbourne (something to browse through on a Sunday) and push through to do it probably when I do I'll wonder what I was so worried about! It can only get better from here.