Struggling with standard mid life issues?

[MelbourneDad]

hello

I have never reached out to mental health support services before. So this post is my first ever attempt to do so. I have also booked a GP appointment for tomorrow to start the process of getting some professional help. I am not expecting any response to this post. But I need an avenue to just write out how I am feeling, and hence this post.

I am 39 years old dad. My wife and I both have white-collar jobs, a hefty mortgage and two lovely kids in school.

Over the last few months, I have been feeling depressed for a number of reasons: (a) While I have a good job, I don't know where it is leading me, (b) i feel I have been too focused on job, house work and family life and that I haven't invested any time on myself - whether it be taking a couple of hours off alone, or exercise, or keeping up with friends, (c) i am constantly worried about our financials due to mortgage and kids' school fees; (d) i don't have anyone to talk to (my wife wants to talk to me, but we rarely find time with all the things in our life. And like most men, i haven't invested in maintaining a good friend circle).

In recent weeks, i have found myself getting angry at small things - which is adversely affecting my wife and at times my kids. I am ashamed about.

What's surprising is that I know what's bothering me - but I still don't do anything about it. I need to: (a) change teams at work in order to work with people who watch my back, or get a different job, (b) I need to invest time in myself - perhaps join a gym or go on small hikes - in order to to just mentally time-out from the daily grind, (c) I need to see a professional to work through my mental health issues, (d) i need to get back into office and stop working from home all the time - as I need social interaction, (e) i need to reconnect with old friends, (f) i need to control my anger.

Today I cried after my wife and kids left for their day and i was alone at home. But i have taken an hour out from work to sign up to beyond blue, book a GP appointment.

Thanks to anyone who has read any of the above.

[quirkywords]

Hi Melbournedad and welcome to the supportive and friendly forum.

I am glad you have taken time to join beyond blue and make an appointment to see a GP..

You are aware of what you are doing and what you need to do .

As you realise , having a plan is one thing but actually doing it is another.

I think maybe having one thing to do at a time maybe helpful.

Let us know how the doctor’s appointment goes.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I see lovely Quirkywords has replied.

I might have the answer but you'll either embrace it or reject it as it's not for everyone

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/a-city-to-country-relocate--why...

Other avenues in your local area can include men's shed, rotary, lions, etc.

Many people lack a passion but a passion is a natural interest - one can't really choose an interest and hope it becomes a passion.

Do you have any interests?

TonyWK

[MelbourneDad]

Thank you quirkywords and white knight for your responses.

I have spoken to the GP today, and we agreed to meet again next week so he can develop a mental health plan for me. He told me to find a psychologist that I like and he can refer me to them. He can also recommend a person, if I am struggling to find one. I am wondering if either of you, or anyone has any advice on how to find a good psychologist? (i am not comfortable asking my friends, or posting about recommendations on facebook - hence asking here). I have been going through the APS website, but its hard to hone down on people.

@white knight - i like gardening and being out in nature. So your article resonated with me. But we can't leave city life for another 15 years at least (not until both kids have finished school) + my wife has her own city based business, which is not really transferrable. I know these may not be good excuses, but i feel i need to work within these parameters. But to your points - I have told myself to go hiking (and alone!). So far i've taken my elder kid to all my hikes, but this doesn't give me a mental break.

[white knight]

Hi,

I dont have any ideas on finding a good psych. I've always taken my GP's recommendation and its worked out. No harm in trying and moving to another if it doesnt work for you.

I understand the delay in moving to the country. Thats for you and your family to decide. Other ideas is to buy a small camper trailer etc to escape when in need. I think anyway you are on the right track with the hiking. There is things to listen to while hiking and resting on top of a hill somewhere that is beneficial like-

Use google-

Youtube prem rawat sunset

Youtube prem rawat the perfect instrument

Youtube prem rawat appreciate

Youtube prem rawat (any other of his videos)

And might I say its great to get a member that responds to his needs with insight.

TonyWK

[Cordyline]

Hi there,

I just thought I'd reach out and applaud you for recognising things are amiss. My husband of 30 years has recently left out of the blue. I reached out to my local community to seek psych support for men and many people recommended 'blokes psychology' - they have offices all over Melbourne and do tele-health. 

Being on the other side of a separation, the thing I've realised is that we didn't make time for ourselves away from our kids regularly enough. I certainly didn't look after my own me-time or having time to keep being myself (not just 'mum').  If I could go back in time, I would be trying a new hobby for myself away from my husband to reenergise my own well being and to give me a break from the relentlessness of family life. 

I'm fairly convinced my husband is having a mid-life crisis but it may be too late to repair, which is devastating. His story is quite similar to yours. 

If you enjoy your job, don't change it. Work out a way for both you and your wife to build time away from the family home to just be yourselves (both as a couple, and as individuals).  I can't tell you how much my life and perspective has changed since the total loss of my marriage, I would literally do anything to go back in time a tell my old self to wake up and stop prioritising every little thing the kids needed. Now, they need a stable family and they don't have one.

Brutal reading, but cudos to you for seeking support. 

Take Care,