Struggling again, not able to get out of bed and go to work, getting tired of the highs and lows

Scarlet72 · ‎02-07-2015

Hello, I was diagnosed with mild depression a few months ago, if I am totally truthful I've had depression for a long time but wasn't honest with myself, my family or doctor. I've always been a strong person who puts everyone else first, troubled by childhood trauma and family issues I decided to take a career in social work, helping others to make positive changes then 2 years ago I went off sick for work related stress and anxiety, went through the battle if work cover with my employer and really messed around by various managers in my organisation that turned into bullying, this only made my recovery worse. I returned to work 12 months ago into a role I did 8 years ago and feel totally deskilled and devalued which had only made me feel more depressed. I have battled through, even took up running which has been my saviour but then the depression became worse a few months ago where I just didn't feel like getting out of bed, this happened for several days so I went to my doctor who prescribed me medication and said that I was experiencing mild depression as a result of the work situation and the way my employer had dealt with it. I feel totally hopeless and down on days like this when I can't get out of bed and go to work, even though I know I will feel better, it is easier to hide away at home. The medication is helping, the running is still there but it's my low mood that occurs without warning and simply knocks me off my feet. Here I am lay on the couch watching daytime TV. I feel guilty as my partner worries about me, I want to be myself again, the person I was 18 months ago, however, I am starting to accept that I may not be that happy fun loving person again. Does anyone have advise or their stories to share with me about how to deal with this and your road to recovery. Are there any good groups in the Melbourne area that people meet face to face and share their experiences as depression can be isolating.

BenD · ‎02-07-2015

Hi Scarlet,

I'm in Perth unfortunately so not sure about groups there, but do you have any friends that have similar experiences that you can talk face to face with? I've got a few mates from work that are pretty open about their mental health and we chat on the job or over a beer all the time (it's quite fantastic). I imagine you would discuss things with your partner?

One of the chats with my workmates was that feeling about being "asleep" or vaguely conscious of the world around you (i.e. a depressive cycle) and then all of a sudden you "wake up" and feel normal again. So I have thought that I may not be a "happy fun loving person again" before, but in the end it will come back when you least expect it. As you say, its pretty hard trying to support yourself at the same time however.

Another guy said that his experience with depression is like it being a fire that you can not put out. He is an extremely intelligent person (studying psychology) and he knows that depressive feeling is irrational, but it's like he doesn't have the tools to put out the fire, to remove that irrational feeling. Instead, he creates another "fire" except this one is full of all the wonderful positive achievements in his life. Doing this allows him to function in a balanced way.

My personal road to recovery from anxiety (which I think is genetic) turned depression (a result of negative self esteem produced by anxiety) was like this:

Counselor (learn about mental health) -> Ignore issue (issue worsens) -> Counselor (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) -> GP (meds) -> Counselor (Mindfullness) -> GP (different meds) -> Counselor (promoting self-esteem)

I started about 5 years ago and I feel exponentially better today (happier, more balanced and stable, and off meds). I still see a counselor every now and then for a checkup (just like a doctor or dentist visit).

Can you relate to any of that or do you feel like any of it could be helpful?

Ben

Chris_B · ‎02-07-2015

Hi Scarlet72, welcome to the forums. Great reply from BenD there. For face-to-face support groups, I'd give our support service a call to get recommendations specific for your area, as we can't do that on here. Also, your Medicare Local should also be able to help.

Wah · ‎02-07-2015

Scarlet72

I have had depression for about 18 years and I have this same problem when I am not well. Getting up in the morning and facing the day is the hardest thing and I will call in sick. often I feel better by midday. Sometimes it relates to how I sleep. Often it is preceded by stress. I have learnt to use it as a warning sign that I need to seek help.Sometimes I g o through the hiding away at home phase before I get to a point of seeking help. I will make an appt with my GP or my psychiatrist. I hate being seen as unreliable, so if I have been feeling that way for a few weeks I will take time off-like now I am on leave while I fiddle with meds and dosage, etc.

I have been lucky with my work over the years and been able to negotiate start times, etc that I can cope with. I have also been able to make short term changes , like working half days for periods of time. I worked short contract work for 3 years so I could take breaks.

I find my depression is cyclic and I also have a reactive component(to stress, etc). I have learnt to accept it and work with it as best I can. I remind myself I will come out the other side, but not without help and support. I can be tough on myself and again try to remind myself depression is an illness and sometimes beyond my control. I work on the bits I may be able to control, like medication, thinking patterns, exercise, diet. I find my psychologist helpful(took seeing 3 before I found one I was happy with) to help me identify the stress areas and work out a plan to manage them better.

It seems your work has been an area of stress. Is there anything you can access there for support? Does it have an employee support program through HR?

Can you seek a position elsewhere that allows you to feel nurtured and supported and your skills valued?

Hope this helps.

Wah

Comet · ‎04-07-2015

Hi. Yes I have had the whole not being able to get out of bed and start the day thing. If I stay in bed then the day goes quicker and the quicker it goes the better for me as I don't know how to fill in the time. I'm good when I go to work but at the moment I am not working much and all those hours by myself at home are not mentally healthy for me. I stayed in bed all day for three days in a row and then was up for a lot of the small hours of the night. Then I sort of came good but a few days later it was on again with the sleeping. It's a strange but very nice feeling like just lying there floating all warm and safe and comfy. Who would want to get up and face a day with nothing to look forward to?

To make the whole thing more difficult, I gave up smoking about 10 months ago and I am v ery proud of myself for that but I am still not safe in giving up. Lately I have been cheating and smoking a bit and now I am stressing out that I will cave in and go back on them. It's a bit of a torture and just another thing to make life hard for me. Nothing much seems to be working out with me at the moment.

Heavy sigh.

Scarlet72 · ‎05-07-2015

Hi Comet, home feels like the safest place to be when feeling depressed especially staying in bed all nice n cosy! Are you currently seeing anyone about how you are feeling? GP? Counsellor? They can really help to talk through issues and try and put some strategies in place. Over the past week I have stayed in bed for 4 out of 5 days. I've now booked an appointment to see my Doctor on Tuesday as I am not feeling better and know that I need to seek professional assistance to get through this low ebb.

congratulations on quitting smoking, don't be too tough on yourself if you've had a few smokes, 10 months is a fantastic amount of time. I don't think people truly believe how difficult it is to quit smoking so give yourself a big pat on your back, very proud of you! I quit a few years ago after many years of relying on my ciggies as a stress reliever, after some time I realised I needed to find another habit to occupy my mind so got a stress ball as you can carry it around and use it when you have a nicotine craving, it worked for me.

i hope you are feeling better soon

take care

scarlet72

Scarlet72 · ‎06-07-2015

Hi Ben,

many thanks for your post, sorry for the delay in replying. I can relate to what you are saying about feeling asleep when feeling at my lowest. What surprises me is that one moment I feel good and then I don't without warning, the same occurred about 4 weeks ago so it seems to be occurring in cycles, did this happen to you?

Its good to hear you are now off meds and checking in with your psychologist every now and then. I 'm in the early stages but all the advise is great.

I try not to burden family and friends with how I feel, i have a couple of friends I confide in and talk to my partner every so often but often I just don't want to talk about in and instead what to talk about every day stuff to take my mind off how I am feeling. I need to learn to be more honest and open but worry about being judged, especially at work and this may cause a down ward spiral again. I feel like I am just starting to learn about mental health, supports and recovery.

thanks again

scarlet

Scarlet72 · ‎06-07-2015

Hi Wah,

many thanks for your post, it was really helpful and made sense to me, especially about depression being cyclical. The same occurred to me around 4 weeks ago. I feel I am in the early stages of learning about mental health, medication, supports and also how I approach it. I too don't like to be unreliable and I feel this way at the moment with work and feel I am letting people down which in turn cause me more stress, often feels like a vicious circle. Work does have Employer assistance program so I will access that again. in the past HR haven't been too helpful through lack of understanding with the role I do and how this stressful role affects people. I need to seek a manager who is understanding and negotiate a reduction in work hours for a time to assist me to feel better. It's interesting you say that by midday you feel better after already calling in sick at work, this is how I feel and I wondered if it was linked to the medication as work days I will take my medication around 7.30 am with breakfast, however, the past week I haven't got out of bed until 12 noon and taken my meds then with food.

You are right, I need to seek an alternative job that is more nurturing and supportive for me but I feel like I don't have the motivation to apply for jobs/ interview etc when I can't get out of bed. My self doubt doesn't help either

once again many thanks for your post and beneficial words of advise.

scarlet

Comet · ‎06-07-2015

Hi Scarlet. 4 out of 5 days eh? Yes I have had counselling for most of last year and am under the care of my GP. Counselling helped me but I think I am ready now to see someone who can help me with practical strategies for getting on with things. I always feel better when I get up and do things but I don't know how to achieve that in the beginning. I can think about doing something for hours and I still don't do it even though I know it will be good for me. Need some simple step by step strategies and I am hope a new professional person will be able to do that for me.

Next week I am going overseas for a short trip and I will see my GP and go to a new psychiatist/psychologist when I come back.

At least I got up at 2pm today!

Scarlet72 · ‎07-07-2015

Congratulations Comet, 2pm is awesome! You should feel proud. I'm no expert on this but I do small 'to do lists' to keep me focused and motivated, not too many items on the list so it's achievable each day.

You are proactive in seeking out support and hopefully they will give you some useful tools to getting up and doing daily things. It's encouraging to hear how you are progressing from last years counselling to seeking more practical guidance now. A holiday too, gees you are busy! Have fun in your trip, always nice to get away and have a change of scenery.

take care

scarlet