Struggling a Bit

[Sarlia]

So this is my first time posting anything like this, and I’ve been putting it off for a while because it just felt wrong but here goes. I don’t even know if this comes under this thread honestly.

I am a 24 year old female. I had a bit of a difficult life late primary school and most of high school, nothing too bad but a lot of issues in regards to fitting in, being bullied, anxiety in going to school, panic attacks, self harm and attempted suicide. I honestly put my mum and sister through hell with the amount of worry I gave them. I just couldn’t help it. I tried therapy with two ladies, both made me uncomfortable so I’ve avoided trying again since then.

I just don’t know what to do. I’m struggling to cope with anything and everything. I feel like crying all the time, I don’t have motivation to do anything, I constantly feel like a failure that isn’t improving. I work at Woolworths for a measly 3-9 hour week, and I’m currently studying veterinary nursing, which is overdue due to my cowardly self not being able to have enough courage to record the videos required of me.

I’ve been stuck on my Ls for 3 years now because I’m scared of failing, which is also holding me back.

I don’t really know what it is but, I have a really bad feeling, sort of anxiety I guess, in regards to being in a place I can’t escape. Planes, buses, coaches, boats, roller coasters, sometimes work, sometimes the shops. I just think, think, think of all of the potential negatives that might happen and it makes my heart race, makes me feel dizzy, makes me scared, nauseous, stomach cramps, the constant feeling of panic. Sometimes the only way to zone out of it is to just lean back and try to zone out of any thought and cool down but they only works a good 5% of the time. This feeling has made me vomit a few times and usually always gives me diarrhoea.

This also makes me worry on the future, what if I get pregnant and have an attack like this? Will it kill the child? Will I ever feel normal? How do I learn to not freak out? I feel like I’m stuck on a forever loop of feeling useless, helpless, scared, stressed.. I don’t even know where to start. If anyone has any ideas, I’d greatly appreciate it. Or at least tell me they feel the same or have at some point. I just feel so alone I’m how I feel and I’m just.. scared.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, Sarlia. We are so glad that you've taken such a big and brave step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here with our wonderful community. We're so sorry to hear what you've been through, and can hear that you've been struggling with anxiety for quite some time now. This sounds like it must be so difficult to cope with, and please know that many others reading will be able to relate to these feelings- you're never alone in this. We hope that you find these forums to be a safe space, free of judgement where you can  talk things through, and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

We're sorry to hear that you found therapy in the past uncomfortable, but we'd urge you not to give up in finding the right support that works for you. Sometimes different practitioners with particular skill sets, and even particular personalities, can meet your needs and expectations in different ways. We'd encourage you to keep trying, and perhaps try reaching out to our Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to offer support, advice and referrals to help you through this difficult time. We'd also really encourage you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are there for you anytime- night or day- whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.

[therising]

Hi Sarlia

I feel compelled to just give you the most enormous hug as you bravely come here on your path of self discovery.

What I find most outstanding from your post is the number of times you include the word 'feel'. Personally, I'm a major 'feeler' which can seem like both a blessing and a curse at times. When you're sensitive enough to feel so much, mastering this sensitivity is something I've found to be a must in life. Mastering this super natural ability gives you certain advantages insensitive people don't have. Wondering if you can relate

• You can feel when someone brings you down. You can feel when someone is raising you, inspiring you (I love this feeling)
• You can feel who is a degrading person and who is not
• You can feel the initial churning of courage in a seemingly fearful situation
• You can feel if someone is being completely unhelpful and/or thoughtless
• You may feel whether something or someone is questionable. You may feel a deep need to question but not always know what the question is that you should be asking
• You can feel the impact of your thoughts in your body

The list goes on.

If you're this sensitive, I'll suggest you've found your inner compass but are not quite sure how it works.

I'm wondering if 2 significant questions would make some positive difference to you. One is 'What am I actually feeling?' and the other is 'Why am I feeling this?'. Imagine you appoint someone the role of 'He/she who will guide me through this challenge'. You're feeling the sensations that come with optimism and you're maybe even feeling a little excitement regarding the outcome until that person says to you 'You just need to get on with life'. Phwoom, down you go. Did you feel that? That's the feeling of disappointment. They just disappointed themself from (a) helping you manage constructively and (b) you feeling optimism and excitement. This can be a truly horrible feeling, for sure. Now you may say 'This person refused the appointed role of 'He/she who will be of guidance'. You now know not to look to them. Now it's time to look for someone who will accept this appointment. Don't waste time on a lot of disappointing people becomes the lesson learned.

Once you find you have an ability to feel your way through life to a degree, this gives you the opportunity to begin exercising your natural ability to feel. An interesting exercise is to see if you can feel someone bringing you down and then see if you can master detachment (not feeling their impact).

🙂

[Here2Talk]

Hi Sarlia,

You sure do have a lot of feelings. I’m picking up a lot of anxiety from you, both in the form of thoughts (worried about if you get pregnant, worried you’ll fail your licence test), and particularly your physical symptoms (racing heart, dizziness, stomach cramps and nausea). You mentioned the anxiety from places in which escape may be difficult which sounds characteristic of an anxiety disorder called agoraphobia - you can google it if you want.

I would consider seeing your GP about whether you might benefit from medication and definitely a mental health care plan to see a clinical psychologist would be good for you. You mentioned previous therapy; if you try with someone new you might find the experience much better.

Would love to chat more about your life if that’s something you would like.

[Sarlia]

Thank you to everyone who responded kindly.
I don't really know what's wrong with me but I've been like this for ages that I'm worried that there's no way out of it. I'm not worried about getting pregnant or anything, it's more of the stuff that comes with it regarding how unstable I am.
I'm currently studying as an intern for veterinary nursing and I'm struggling to record my videos for uploading and grading. I hate being in front of a camera and being the centre of attention, even if it's just for one other person. I only have 7 videos or so left to record, but my nerves and insecurities are getting in the way and I feel like I won't be able to complete it. As it is I was supposed to finish on the 7th May, but they gave me an extension. I know this isn't the line of work for me but I don't want to drop out because I'll feel like a failure, a disappointment that can't do anything right. I struggle to retain information, and I have no motivation, no ambitions, or confidence in anything.

Keep in mind, I have a loving partner that is being as supportive as he can and my family aren't judging me and are recommending I get professional help but I just don't really know where to start. I did think I had a form of agoraphobia a while ago as, I can't get on a plane without freaking out, fainting and/or vomiting (which unfortunately I did in the boarding queue two years ago).

I 'WANT' to get better, I want to feel normal, to not feel nervous, upset, scared or cry over the smallest negative thing. To not overthink everything. Just don't know where to start.

[therising]

Hi Sarlia

It sounds like your family and partner are incredibly caring, guiding you in the best direction. I imagine they feel they don't have the expertise to be able to guide you through complex challenges, hence recommending you consider someone who can help, which is very thoughtful.

Someone once led me to consider how complex challenges can be. They used the analogy of a ball of string. While what appears to be one big challenge, seemingly straight forward enough to gradually unravel, once you do begin to unravel it you can find yourself with the need to better understand and untangle complex parts. I suppose you could say a mental health professional is expert in carefully unraveling things. Seeking a referral from your GP would be a good start.

Not sure if this would make any difference when it comes to the video taping but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case it does. Have you considered not being yourself? Could you imagine acting the part or parts? Whether you want to go all out and pick a 'costume', it doesn't have to be anything flamboyant, maybe just something that reflects the personality you wish to act as. Is this something you could imagine doing? Is there a hidden actor in you just waiting to come out?

When it comes to over thinking, I'm wondering if you've ever tried different types of meditation. While a lot of meditations can be too challenging to master, I find there are some that are very basic. A few I find helpful

• Meditating on objects. If you have a hyperactive brain, this one's a challenge. You may be thinking about something that begins to get you a little worked up - Leading yourself to shift focus may involve, for example, meditating on the lines on the palm of your hand (you may notice new ones) or meditating on the bubbles in something such as soft drink or a lava lamp (quite hypnotic). This can offer little breaks from thinking all the time, which can become exhausting
• Meditating on sensory related stuff. The sound of the wind, the smell of something that excites you etc. You could consider meditating on the feel of your partner brushing your hair, something calming
• Meditating on your imagination. This can also be a huge challenge, especially if you're prone to imagining worst case scenarios. You can imagine anything you wish. For example, imagine you have some sort of invisible guardian angel beside you. Imagine they whisper something in your ear that you really need to hear. What do you imagine it would be?

🙂