starting is the hardest. ..

[bluejellyfish87]

Weird when you have so much to say but feelings are hard to express.  Seems words can't describe the gravity if ones heart ache. The atmosphere of my house is heavy, I wear the burden.  My guilt, my loveless, lifeless existence makes me weaker every day. People are so dismissive of my emotions... If I fall down the people I prop up fall too. It feels like my pain is irrelevant, I'm screaming in the Forest. Words can't describe the weight on my shoulders the pressure on my chest... feeling so alone

[Kazzl]

Hi bluejellyfish and a very big welcome to the forum. I'm so glad you reached out here, because you are not alone, you are amongst others who understand how you feel.

Reading your post, I felt my heart grow heavy too, with the memory of feeling just like that. The weight of the sadness is almost physical.

No-one here will dismiss your emotions, we know they're so real and all-consuming. But we can emerge from them, or at least bring them under control. Have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling, maybe your doctor? Have you been feeling this way for long?

Help is there for you mate if you reach for it. None of us can fight this alone. Doctors, counsellors, good friends - they won't dismiss you.

Keep posting mate, you're amongst friends here.

[Neil_1]

Hi there bluejellyfish

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for coming here and providing your post.  It sure sounds like you’re in a terrible place at the moment and that everything is crashing down upon you.

If I could, I’d like to ask some questions to you, so we might be a bit better informed to provide some advice, if we can and further support to you.

I’m going out on a limb here and guessing that you may have family – and that when you’re feeling this low, and fall, then the people (your family) fall down with you.  If that’s the case, you know, it makes so much sense.  A person can only go so long with fighting this illness by themselves, before it will overwhelm you – and then, you find you can’t look after yourself, then it makes it nigh on impossible to look after others, no matter how much love is there.  It’s a very vicious and nasty circle.

You also say it feels like your pain is irrelevant – I’m guessing again, that when you have shouted out before about needing help, etc, that it may have fallen on deaf ears?

I could be very wrong with both of my assumptions, but you know the really positive thing here – the positive thing that you’ve done;  you’ve made a big step forward to help, by coming here and posting.

I would dearly love to hear back from you.  If I have mis-read your post, I do apologise and would like to find out about how things are with you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Blue,

You sound so down.
Can I just say you write really well, so expressive. I know thats probably not important right now, but I just wanted to mention it.

You are not alone, we are here and we can listen and if you want it offer advice. We understand how you feel and sometimes just knowing that someone does can make things a little lighter.
This time of year in particular can be really hard and the burden felt so heavy. Why don't you tell us more about yourself, get it out and onto paper so to speak. Not only might you feel better for it, but we can speak to you of our common experience.
Your emotions are not irrelevant, as you can tell you've already had a couple of posts from people asking for you to share more. We want to help and we want to offer support.

Please let us.

[bluejellyfish87]

Thanks so much for the support today I reached out to a friend and had a chat  about my problems.  I feel a bit better. Yes I have a family, it's unconventional, stressful and overwhelming.  I think know my next move is find a doctor who will refer me to a therapist.

I think sometimes everyone has so much to do and so much stress as we are all stuck in the same situation it's hard for them to watch me fall apart.  

My story starts with being a carer, I have a lot of responsibility and I also study at uni. I have no sense of direction, I never have. I guess depression for me has been mostly manageable until my life changed from independent worker with a wonderful partner to single foster carer. There is a lot of tension in my household since my mother moved in. I feel like I have lost myself trying to do the right thing for others.. I have given every thing. The children are rebelling. I have put on a lot of weight. Just feels like I have no control. I'd appreciate any advice and happy to answer any questions. 

I'm so thankful this exists and that you so much for your time and help. It means so much

[Chicken_Wings]

Hey Blue,

i know people say it a lot, but you can't be expected to look after everyone else without first looking after yourself. Don't ever feel guilty for taking time when you need it too look after yourself. You are the most help to others when you are well.

my first suggestion is to take time to do something for you. its sounds like you have a lot on your plate looking after others so it's time for you.

what are you studying at uni? Does that not give you a sense of direction?

sometimes I feel like I have no control either so I set time where I do something for me. Other people can join in if they want, but it's for me. Like walking. I come home from work and I go for a 30 minute walk with my dogs. Sometimes my boyfriend comes, but either way I go and I feel better afterwards. This might be something to invite the kids to do with you?

if you're feeling stressed and want to relax, the Headspace App has some ten minute breathing exercises that might be helpful for you?

[bluejellyfish87]

Thanks chicken, yeah its one of those things I treat myself like a machine rather than a human. The app sounds like a good idea.  I'm going to take the day tomorrow to go to the gym and get a massage I think that will improve my mood. I think a walk with the kids would help everyone,! Maybe go to the beach on the weekend.  Thanks for the ideas it is motivating!

I'm studying biomedical science.  I really enjoy it but it's stressful and sometimes with a sickly child it is just something to stress about. I do have an idea what I'd like to do as a future career, unfortunately I take such time out which affects my grades and future job prospects but I guess that's a problem for the future 

[Chicken_Wings]

The beach sounds like a great idea. so does a massage!

have you tried those adult colouring books? People say they are really relaxing and a great way to just give you mind a break.

biomedical science sounds interesting, if not hard. It's good that you enjoy it though. I studied art so I can't imagine what that sort of study entails, but I guess it's like all study in that when you look at it in chunks it seems much more achievable than if you look at the course as a whole.

maybe that view could help you feel less stressed about everything else too? Look at sample manageable bites of what you're doing and the whole picture won't seem so overwhelming? 

Good luck with your day, in jealous of your massage.

[Neil_1]

Hi there BJF

Yes, we’ve got to look after ourselves along this journey – but if we don’t make sure we are ok, that can cause us to fall deep and when we’re in a dark place, it’s so very hard to reach out and help our loved ones.

That’s awesome to read that you’re going to head to the gym – what are some of your favourite areas in a gym to workout?  I’m a big gym goer, but mostly hit the weights;  both free and machines and occasionally will give the cardio machines a whirl as well.

The beach on the weekend sounds a wonderful idea as well.  That sounds to me that you live reasonably close to a beach?   We live about 2 hours from our closest beach – and though it doesn’t sound like a lot, we don’t get there as much as we possibly should.  Again, things like that, weekend’s away all cost $’s and it soon adds up.

That is great that you are enjoying your study and wow, something like biomedical sounds interesting and in depth at the same time.  Do you have much longer till you complete it? 

Another thing I wanted to mention is that with how things are at the moment, it might be good to try and break things down a bit (or even a lot), so you don’t have too much on your plate that could appear overwhelming.  Something like to even get some things happening now that might kick in and become habit … like you going for walks with the kids, and if they don’t wish to, then still get out and go yourself.    Get to the gym on a couple of days a week (if possible).  Set little goals and the thing with little goals is that they’re little for a purpose – so you can achieve them and stemming from that, it hopefully translates into your psyche that you will feel better as well.

Hope to hear back from you again.

Kind regards

Neil

[HelenM]

Hi,    sorry I can't help you just now.  But I am thinking of you.   Take care     Helen  x