Squalor and self-neglect

[Bbool]

Hi everyone

I am extremely embarrasssd about what I am going to share, but here goes.

On the face of it, I am a 33 year old with a modest job, live in the city in a small apartment that I own. Some may think I’m successful. In reality I have had severe depression for many years and have zero self-worth. A lot of it stems from childhood trauma. I am currently going through the following:

1. I live in squalor. My home is extremely filthy with rubbish everywhere on the floor, clothes everywhere, dusty, cobwebs etc. Things need to be repaired. My home stinks but I’m so used to it I don’t notice the smell anymore. I am so deeply ashamed and embarrassed about my living circumstances I make excuses to friends/family to not invite them over. This is not a lifestyle choice, I hate it. But I am so overwhelmed by the squalor I don’t know what to do or where to start. I fee paralysed by my lack of motivation.

2. Self neglect. For example, although I shower everyday, I don’t wash my hair frequently. I only wash my hair once a month or two. It’s itchy and I get scabs on my head. I have long curly hair down to my waist that most people would say is beautiful. I hide it by tying it back in a bun. I love the feeling of clean freshly washed hair, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I struggle doing basic tasks at home like pay the bills on time (not because I can’t afford it). I can’t explain it, it’s like a strong brick wall in my head stopping me from doing tasks. I also compulsively pick my skin. I have scabs/sores on my chest, legs and worst of all my face. I have had this one scab on my face for 3 years because of the urge to pick. My mum once made a comment that the scab on my face makes me look like a meth user (I don’t do drugs and I rarely drink, though I am a heavy smoker). There are other things but I won’t go into detail.

i literally feel like trash.

Has anyone else experienced forms of self neglect and squalor? How did you tackle it? Does anyone know of any online support groups for squalor?

[quirkywords]

Welcome Bbool,

I understand it was very hard to write this post but I am glad you did. This forum is full of kind, caring and supportive people. it is a nonjudgmental place where you can feel safe to write honestly.

I can feel your pain through you words and your frustration with yourself. You mention childhood trauma, I was wondering are you seeing a counsellor or a psychologist or a specialist in this area.

Also would say you have a problem with hoarding as well? Most of the help seems to put squalor and hoarding together.

Years ago I found a group online based in America mainly about hoarding but I suppose a by product is squalor and maybe vice versa. I had and still sometimes still do have a tendency to hoard and at the time I was living alone and would not invite anyone around. the group would suggest baby steps, like just one corner of a room or clearing one table, then post a photo and people would encourage you.

If there is an underlying issue causing the squalor, until that is addressed , you can tidy your place but alas you may fall back into the same habits.

You are not alone , if you google will find there are many organisations offering support.

I know the shame and embarrassment and the advice of people give when they have no idea of how bad I felt about myself.

Maybe if you can contact one of the organisations offering support , they will be able to let you know what is available.

I think by writing this post you have acknowledged you need help and that is a start. I was in denial for many years saying it wasn’t as bad but when you have a whole spare room filled with stuff and no place where you can allow people into your place, it is hard to keep denying and making excuses, it I did that because of the shame.

You are not alone. there will be others reading this who will be able to relate.

Post here as much as you like,

Quirky

[Doolhof]

Hi Bbool,

I too welcome you to the community here. II am wondering if you have had a chat with your Dr about what ou are experiencing? He/she may know of someone who will be able to help you make adjustments slowly and change how you do life.

Is it possible for you to say decide to wash your hair every Sunday for example. When Sunday comes along, that is hair washing day. Would it help if you were to have a hair cut to make it more manageable or do you like it really long?

There may well be support groups and organisations in your area who can help you. The local council may have some ideas on who may be able to come in, help you clean up and help you start over.

Or like Quirky suggested, try and clean up one small area and appreciate the difference it makes.

When I am deeply depressed I find it really hard to do anything much at all. It can be difficult to break through that barrier and to move on.

Thankfully for me a change in anti depressant medication seems to have me feeling more stable and like I want to do things again.

A chat with your Dr might be a good idea.

Wishing you all the best,

Cheers from Dools

[chellabi]

Hi Bbool,

Thank you for sharing your story and putting it out there, which is a very difficult thing to do.

Mentioning these issue with a GP or a therapist / psychologist may be the best step. Severe depression lasting many years as well as childhood trauma are things that you may need support to help you work through.

Posting in this forum and others like it will put you into contact with supportive people who may have dealt with similar issues.

I know from my own experience that low self worth and severe depression can go hand in hand with self neglect.

When simply having a shower takes a lot of effort, washing your hair and caring for yourself can be overwhelming.

I have found that having specific routines in place can be really helpful e.g. by waking up early and washing my hair first thing I have knocked the hardest item off my to do list which can bring energy to the day.

Small steps always seem pointless to me at first, but when I see them as progress - literal 'upwards movement' - then it doesn't matter if the change is not immediately discernable. I'm working on it. Progressing. That is the main thing.

I am not personally aware of any directly related support group. However the following sites/programs may be some help:

lifelineh2h / mission australia support program / Hoarding and Squalor

Hope to hear from you soon on the forum, and as I too live and work in Sydney if there is any way to contact me personally (I'm new to the forums so not sure..) please do.

Michelle

[Bbool]

Hi everyone, I’m not sure how to do a “post reply all” so this is for everyone who has posted a reply. Thank you all for the kind and thoughtful responses and sharing your experiences with me. On a side note Quirky, I love your profile picture, it reminds of somewhere peaceful I once visited with my neice and nephews 🙂

I certainly agree counselling is something I should seek. I realise that hiding my issue has been more harmful in the long run. Coincidently my issue isn’t so much hoarding, but the willpower to put things away where they need to be, though my mum has an issue with hoarding. The similarity is that we both go to lengths to hide it from others. And that’s a problem.

All of you have touched on “starting small”. I recently spoke to a friend of mine who is a Personal Trainer about lacking motivation to exercise (although it would be good for my wellbeing which is why I sought his advice). He said I should start by making my bed everyday. I didn’t quite understand the logic behind it at the time, but your comments here made me realise that by starting small, even so much as making my bed, I have atleast “achieved” something.

Again I appreciate your responses and I’m glad I found this website 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Bbool,

Maybe now is the time for you to make a start on changing things around. It does seem that you are interested in trying something different. You are reaching out to people for ideas nad suggestions, so that is the first step to recognising you want things to be different!

That is a huge first step, to even consider change is great.

I just watched a clip on Facebook recently about a guy from the Navy Seals in America and his talk started with suggesting you make your bed each day! It is like you achieve that and then you may decide to do another task. When it comes time to go back to bed, you are presented with a nice neat and inviting bed, one you have made previously!

Oh yes, replying as you did to everyone is just fine. I sometimes do the same as I find it difficult mentally to go back and include everyone individually.

I would like to encourage you to consider which task or section in your home you would like to tackle first!

All the best!

Cheers from Dools

[quirkywords]

Bbool

Thanks for your reply.

Small steps and getting rewards , either verbal or written and heaps of encouragement, we can do that.

I understand the effort it takes to make a bed, to clear a very small table, to sort through and how hard it is to throw things out and how tired I get after making decisions about what to keep.

Also look at what you have done and not what you have not done.

I feel the smaller the better as tasks as concerned as you can always do more if you feel up to it.

Also if you take a photo of before and after it can help see what if you done in your small step.

My bed was ok,(as all my junk was on the floor!!) but for me I tried to have my sink clean before I went to bed, which was a real effort. I remember only using one plate all day to save on washing up. I read somewhere if you sink sparkles , no matter how messy the rest of your place, it does help you!!.

I think you choose something that will make a difference.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

Quirky

[Birdy77]

Dear Bbool,

I probably don't have anything new to say than what Quirky, Dools and Chellabi have said, but this topic reminded me of a website I found really helpful several years ago when I just wasn't coping with keeping on top of my life.

It is possibly slightly daggy, but it seriously helped me and it might help you too. It's this thing called FLY Lady, and she's like this loving little fairy godmother who helps you get back on top of things when you're finding it all too hard.

FLY stands for Finally Loving Yourself, and her premise us that we can get into these really unhealthy habits because we don't love ourselves enough to feel that we deserve to live in a clean, tidy home and to nurture our bodies.

She describes the state our homes can get into as living in CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome), but that we can overcome this by setting small, achievable goals and creating routines. But it is all about baby-steps.

Like Quirky, she suggests starting with a clean sink. And if that is all you achieve, that's ok. The next baby-steps is making your bed as soon as you get up.

She says that "you can do anything for 15 minutes", and encourages the use of a timer e.g. set it to 15 minutes and tidy one section of the room, and stop when the timer goes off.

She has all these awesome strategies for creating routines and I think there's an app now.

I just thought I'd mention it because I have found it helpful and you and others may as well. If you Google fly lady it will come up.

I am glad you are here Bbool and I hope you feel less alone in it all.

🌻birdy

[quirkywords]

Birdy, thanks so much.

That was the website I was trying to find but used the wring keywords. that's where I got the sink idea!!!

It was such a help for me years ago but not that I did much but it helped me not to be so ashamed of myself and knowing I was not alone.

Bbool have a look at the site and even if you take away one thing or use it as a go to place. I recall people were so supportive even when I would start something then give up, they were always positive/

Quirky

[chellabi]

Hi Bbool,

I'm also glad I found this website. I find the contribution valuable so I've been suspiciously lurking 😶 for some time. Will try to properly introduce myself at some point.

I related to your situation Bbool and so I felt my input may help. What you said about "going to great lengths to hide it from others" rings very true for myself too. Kind of like presenting an image of a 'healthy person' without revealing more. I also agree it can be harmful.

That website the FLY lady looks really interesting - thanks Birdy77 for sharing.

Chellabi