SOS

[Girl_Anachronism]

So this year has been pretty terrible for me.

This was due to a combination of :

• losing my job midway through the year when I suffered from gall stones, got initially misdiagnosed and ended up having to go into emergency surgery to have my gallbladder completely removed;
• ongoing medical complications which lead to me not being well for months afterward;
• both myself and my husband having no job of  the same past few months resulting in centrelink payments which can cover rent and food but not internet bills, car rego or electricity;

• losing my passion for studying my uni degree which transformed me from Distinction level student who did all the extra reading and research for projects to someone who couldn't care that i did an assignment half assed or when times got really dark, not handing in assignments at all
• failing both units in both semesters this year
• a rocky relationship with my husband as i lied to him about failing units leading to almost divorce (not that either of us could afford to separate- one of us can't keep up the rent payments)

...and the biggest elephant in the room, finding out early in the year that my father sexually abused both my older sisters between the ages of 12 to 24 and I never knew. I don't know how I didn't notice but I am now looking at all the times i can't remember anything about my childhood- memory gaps with a new light. Conversations I thought strange but shrugged off now seem to make sense.

When I was in my teens, facing the TEE and a verbally and emotionally abusive father I struggled with depression and suicidal tendancies. I fought my way out somehow. I told myself I would never go back again. Turns out I lied to myself aswell. THis year....I still fight every day to stay here. For years I haven't felt this emotionally void and yet out of control. I feel like there is a glass wall between me and anything I touch, watch or read. I acknowledge what a reasonable person would feel but feel...nothing.

To this end I broke my silence on it and talked to both my counsellor at University and my GP. I have been started on antidepressants for the first time in my life, three weeks in now. I can no longer access the counsellor as I am notattending University next year. I can't afford to see anyone expensive. I have an appointment with someone free in the New Year but they had nothing available before Christmas.

I just don't know if i can hold it together until then. Everyday is so hard. I  am back in that dark place again but I don't know if I will be able to pull myself back from the edge.

So this is me. Calling for help.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Salutations All,

Hope Christmas finds you all well.

We did go ahead with the family lunch as planned but my husband warned everybody that I was feeling fragile right now and even though I was home, I might hide in the bedroom and sleep through the lunch as opposed to socialising with them. They were mostly good with that though towards the end, once he had explained to everybody in detail what had happened and they had moved onto other topics that I let one person in, after that they all wanted to say good bye before leaving.

Given that this was more human contact then I have handled in days, my inner introvert is screaming at me for alone time. Alone time however isn't a good thing at the moment.

All Christmas Eve was very low and I had to leave the house to get away. Thankfully my close girlfriend took me out for coffee and was really good in basically sacricing a day to spend it with me, letting me tag along christmas shopping and even letting me go back to her place to see if I could sleep there  during the day. I couldn't but she and her husband  held me while a cried for a few hours, trying to talk me down from the ledge. We ven went for a drive up to Araluen just splaash our feet in the river and wander the gardens, though I needed breaks to just lay curled up in the grass and stare at nothing as I was so depressed I felt numb and unable to move. I couldn't cry anymore, there was nothing left.

When I got home let my husband know that while I couldn't tell him why ( even i don't really understand) I didn't feel safe. After trying to sleep and even withsleeping pills only giving me an hour of restful sleep,  I just tried to hold on. Having been up from 5am hoever cooking for christmas, he was exhausted and slept. I lost it in the early morning and ended up self harming.

The plan is try to sleep tonnight ( I have no sleeping pills left) and if I can't perhaps moving to a day leave model with the hospital so I can sleep there at night when it is the worst over this period  but come home during the day as I do not find the atmosphere there at all relaxing.

I feel really terrible for what I am putting him through though. He only has so much patience. If this goes on much longer, I may lose my marraige and have nothing to come home to.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Dear Neil,

I have used this name on other websites and GA I have found is the shortest. People on various sites have extended it to Girl_A, GIrl_Ana, *** or even Anach. It's curious which people choose to use.

GA

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

I am sos orry you have been through this terrible situation as well. I feel like I can cope with so many things in my life but I just don't even know where to start with this issue. So much rage and pain and I just can't vent it. To top it off according to the extened family overseas, he is trying to find a way back into the country with his new wife.

....Just when I was thinking the only good thing out of this was that he was out of hair forever.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA   🙂

How did you get through Christmas Day?   I'm hoping that you went ok?  

And with each day that goes by, you're getting closer to your next appointment.

You've got your anniversary coming up and then hubby's b'day as well.  I hope that these times will be a source of enjoyment for you (both).

How are you feeling at the moment?

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I hope you had a nice day yesterday.  Did you get through ok?

Just letting you know that I am thinking of you.

Please take care and stay strong

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Good Morning,

Christmas was better than expected, I even got 5 hours sleep last night. I am still incredibly tired but today is ok. I don't feel as good as good as I did yesterday. I do feel relatively safe at the moment though.

I am worried for how long this mood is going to last before crashing but I am trying to stay hopeful for the moment and just keeping myself distracted. If I can just keep the good days in my mind, the bad days maybe won't seem so bad.

As for my anniversary and husband's birthday....it's going to be a quiet one as we don't have money to do anything. I feel bad for him. He deserves better.

Thankyou for being there. THankyou for caring.

GA

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I'm so glad to read your message and that your Christmas was good and that you got some sleep.  I am glad you feel safe at the moment.   Keep distracting yourself - that's the best way to keep those negative thoughts away.  

It doesn't matter that you don't have money to do something for your anniversary and husband's birthday.  Just be there together at this moment is enough.  Don't feel bad for him, as I'm sure he'll understand.

Hope you have a good day today.

Jo

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Jo,

 I got a 2 hour nap in this afternoon, so even though I still feel exhausted I think today I have had more sleep than the last three days combined. Please just let me get some sleep tonight.

My mood is sinking slowlyas the night comes on. My husband had one of our friends over for completely unrelated reasons adn told her what had been happening. SHe has been through some tough times back in her home country, so I don't mind him telling her. Knowing her as I do I even knew that she would want to talk to me but I would liked it in a message, I couldn't deal with people and was hiding in the bedroom at the time. Due to a miscommunication he let her come into the bedroom and even though she was perfectly lovely and said some good things, I felt like I couldn't hear or absorb half of what she was saying because all i kept thinking was that I don't people near me. I wanted to be alone.

What followed was such anger at him. The good mood I had woken up with turned into this storm of anger and betrayal. I found myself thinking that I couldn't trust him now. I couldn't trust him. He had taken control from me. Control at the moment is something I sorely need. I managed to cool down and state calmly that I was angry at him and why. He apologised and I get that it was just a miscommunication but I still feel shreds of that rage.

I either feel everything or nothing. All it takes is a wrong word and I just snap. I never used to be like this.

He said today that all he wanted for his birthday was to not have to plan a funeral. I wish I could give him that. I am trying. Even though I am mostly safe at the moment, I don't know for sure that I can do that. I wish I could be better for him. He's exhaused keeping a watch on me all the time. I can see what I am doing to him.

He deserves so much better. I just don't know what to say to him anymore. I am trying just doesn't seem enough.

GA