SOS

[Girl_Anachronism]

So this year has been pretty terrible for me.

This was due to a combination of :

• losing my job midway through the year when I suffered from gall stones, got initially misdiagnosed and ended up having to go into emergency surgery to have my gallbladder completely removed;
• ongoing medical complications which lead to me not being well for months afterward;
• both myself and my husband having no job of  the same past few months resulting in centrelink payments which can cover rent and food but not internet bills, car rego or electricity;

• losing my passion for studying my uni degree which transformed me from Distinction level student who did all the extra reading and research for projects to someone who couldn't care that i did an assignment half assed or when times got really dark, not handing in assignments at all
• failing both units in both semesters this year
• a rocky relationship with my husband as i lied to him about failing units leading to almost divorce (not that either of us could afford to separate- one of us can't keep up the rent payments)

...and the biggest elephant in the room, finding out early in the year that my father sexually abused both my older sisters between the ages of 12 to 24 and I never knew. I don't know how I didn't notice but I am now looking at all the times i can't remember anything about my childhood- memory gaps with a new light. Conversations I thought strange but shrugged off now seem to make sense.

When I was in my teens, facing the TEE and a verbally and emotionally abusive father I struggled with depression and suicidal tendancies. I fought my way out somehow. I told myself I would never go back again. Turns out I lied to myself aswell. THis year....I still fight every day to stay here. For years I haven't felt this emotionally void and yet out of control. I feel like there is a glass wall between me and anything I touch, watch or read. I acknowledge what a reasonable person would feel but feel...nothing.

To this end I broke my silence on it and talked to both my counsellor at University and my GP. I have been started on antidepressants for the first time in my life, three weeks in now. I can no longer access the counsellor as I am notattending University next year. I can't afford to see anyone expensive. I have an appointment with someone free in the New Year but they had nothing available before Christmas.

I just don't know if i can hold it together until then. Everyday is so hard. I  am back in that dark place again but I don't know if I will be able to pull myself back from the edge.

So this is me. Calling for help.

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, do you know the strength required to post a comment on this site, well it takes a lot of guts, because at first you never know how people will respond back to you, either in a positive way or a negative way, but here there is only support and suggestions, because we want to help you.

Now that that has been said I truly hope that you stay with us, and I certainly hope that you aren't frightened off. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Geoff's post echos my thoughts also.

It's brilliant that you've come on here and posted and please continue to do so, if you feel comfortable.  This is such a supportive, caring and comfortable place to be and you can share pretty much anything on here and no one gets judged for it.  And nor should they, because let's face it, we're struggling and battling with an illness.

Also, I journeyed myself back to that age and there was no way in the world that I would have had the guts to say or do anything in that kind of environment.  That's why these predators do what they do, as they know for the most part they can get away with it and it really sickens me.  I'm sorry for bringing it up again.

GA, just wanting to let you know that you can come on here and continue to share or to just vent out any frustrations you have ... we're here and we'll listen and if you ask questions, we'll do our best to help out as well.

Please take care and write back to us soon

Cheers

Neil

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi there,

It sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment. We are all here for you and want to support you. We just wanted to remind you that people here care about you.
Please call for some help. You can contact beyondblue helpline on 1300 224636 for some advice about services and help.
take care

 

[Girl_Anachronism]

Thankyou all for your support. You helped fight off the urges in the wee hours. I did succumb to them Saturday night I managed in the middle of all of it to call Lifeline, if even just to vent. The police and ambulace got to me in time.

I am sorry for not posting sooner but I have been hospital the past few days. I am currently onhome leae from the hospital at home, with a date to go back in a week if things get better. If they do not, all i have to do is give them a call and my bed in the hospital is still available.

Again thankyou for your support and sorry if I worried you. 🙂

GA

[geoff]

dear GA, well if we knew all of this we would have been worried like hell, thank god you rang Lifeline, and please even though life at the moment maybe like ****, there are hundreds of people on this site who are your closest friends.

I know this feeling of 'had enough', these words are the head lines for depression,' I've just had enough', depression makes us say these words every second of everyday, and if something happened to you then I would have failed in talking with you, but now failure is not an option.

Your life to us is precious, and always will be. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Thank you for responding back … and THANK YOU for calling Lifeline and seeking help.  Please please, there’s no need to apologise for not posting sooner and I am happy now to have heard back from you.

I hope that the people in hospital were able to give you some coping mechanisms to help you over the coming days.  Do you also have any appointments with either your GP or a psychologist in the coming days??

Please get back to us and let us know how you’re going.  It’s great that you’ve got a number to call if you feel the need, but also if you feel that you’d like to post here, please know that we absolutely care 100% here and will be supportive and also try to assist you with advice.

Kind regards

Neil

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hello again.

Still no sleep last night. Ah well.

Both my husband and a close girlfirend know about what I did and why so I have people close by to turn to, even if only to say I know you can't help but I am not feeling safe right now and can't trust myself to be alone. They have the number of the hosptial to notify them if I get like that.

We have cancelled christmas lunch with the my sisters because as much as I know I will need to talk to them in time to sort this out, I can't handle them right now. Instead it will be just a small dinner with my husband, my stepson and I.

They will be calling to checkup on me in coming days. I have more than enough numbers to call if things get bad.

It is still so hard to talk to the people I know personally, particularly my husband about any of this. I feel like I betrayed him but at the same time I am still feeling low. I want to share with him, really I do but it's so hard to do that. I have been programmed my entire life with my upbringing and stigma that surrounds depressions and suicide to hide it, to not tell anyone. It doesn't help that I am extremely introverted.

There moments last night when it got dark again despite feeling bright and damn near hopeful during the day. I litterally went from being happy and loving snuggling eith my husband atching a movie at home tocrying and wanting to smash something in the bathrrom within the space of a few minutes. What is wrong with me?

The most crushing part of all of this is I don't know if there is a way out. It's so hard to fight this everyday. I feel like I am letting everybody down. I feel like I am ruining chirstmas for everybody.

GA

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

Thank you so much for posting again ...

You are not ruining christmas for anyone ... it's your health and welfare which is the absolute most important thing right now.

Can I please ask though, you mentioned that "they will be calling to checkup on you in the coming days" ... I'm guessing that's your sisters right??

My thoughts are with you right now and I want you to get through this ... it's an absolutely awful phase right now and there's no light at the end of the tunnel, but please please hang in there.  And you are not letting anyone down either.  I wish so much that I could do or say something more to help you.

ps:  I'm glad you've abbreviated your name to just GA ... Girl_Anachronism is a mouthful, especially to type.  (insert silly giggle)

Cheers

Neil

[Jo3]

Hi GA

I just wanted to say to you that I am with you on this.  I feel for you so much and for your sisters.  I totally understand what your sisters are going through and even you.  I was sexually abused as a child by 3 different people (2 were family).  So I understand what you're going through.  I am so sorry to read that your sisters have gone through a very traumatic event.

GA, I am so glad that you got help in time.  You know BB are very very helpful here.  And there are so many many beautiful people on here that are ready and willing to support you.  Because we understand, we get it and we hope.

GA, I agree with Neil, pls don't think that you have ruined Christmas with your sisters.  I am sure they will understand.  Right now I think you need to be with your husband and son. And your mental health and well being is most important right now.

Please take care, I really hope you have a good day tomorrow. Just take one step at a time.

I hope you get back and let us know how you're going

Jo xx

[geoff]

dear GA, I am totally with what Neil has said, your life is of a paramount concern, and the reason you can't sleep is because your mind is racing around from a bad thought to another bad thought, hell this happens to all of us, and when it did for me I turned the radio on with music ONLY playing, you don't want a talk show, simply because this makes you think, so music of whatever type you like, and hum away with it.

Just tell yourself that these awful thoughts will be there tomorrow and then I will cope with them then, and say to yourself there's nothing I can do now, so hum away. L Geoff. x