Sorting Out My Life Before I End It

[Daria_M]

I feel like my depression is winning completely at the moment. I can't stop thinking about ending it all, i don't want to, last thing I really want to do but I just don't see a way out anymore. Life is too hard, relationship is too messy and I can't fix anything. My family has come to stay for a few days, I'm scared after they leave that that will be it.

In my head I'm sorting out who I would leave money to, and who will be responsible for dealing with my leftovers after I go. That scares me, I've never made plans before. A psychologist told me my vitamin d might be low, pfft yeah something is low, that's me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Daria.M

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through. It sounds like things a difficult for you, and your relationship is really challenging at the moment.  Our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness. We’ve also checked in with you via email to provide you with some additional supports.

Keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[onthefence]

Oh this sounds so tough Daria - well done for reaching out! I know that it's easy when feelings loom to get caught up in them and to not see the good things we have around us. How nice you have your family to stay, have you spoken to them about how you are feeling or just the psychologist?

I've had a flare up of anxiety symptoms recently and felling very low I ended up mentioning it to a family member who hasn't been the most supportive in the past but who surprised me with how helpful they have been this time. Talking can really help, please try it, and remember you are not alone. These forums are a great way to reach out to people!

[Daria_M]

Thanks for replying.

My family left today, and it was okay for 5-6 hours, now it's all shit again.

My partner doesn't help me at all, I'm sick of explaining myself constantly and fighting to be heard.

We were supposed to have a nice weekend and we can't even have 1 day.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Can you pin point what is making your life difficult at the moment?

Is your relationship causing you a lot of hurt? What about work? Covid?

Having been down that road you are entering, I found I had to be quite radical in my actions to survive eg- resolve relationship issues if they are not finding stable happiness, a career change, a holiday, new hobby.

Youve found some courage to post here so we try to help with answers. Feel free to open up more so we can help

TonyWK

[Daria_M]

Hey Tony,

Thanks for replying,

I am so low.

I am just not thinking straight I guess. But I'm too scared to make any changes, the partner is stuck here from covid and uses the fact that we have a pet etc against me as to why they won't leave.

I now work from home and have been home now almost 6 months, I'm over it but nothing can change, and if I try to initiate a change my partner will accuse me of not wanting to be home etc...cycle of arguing.

Wish I had the courage to do anything right now.

Daria

[white knight]

Hi Darius,

Im sorry I can’t reply quicker atm, am building a house so am quite exhausted in the evenings.

ive been where you are. It was 1996 after 11 years with my first (narcissistic) wife. I tried to end it. I had two little kids. I was over worked, abused often by silence for weeks at a time and she was lazy.

I realise now that even if it means drastic action/change, then do be it- save yourself because in different circumstances/different environments your life can rebound and you’ll look back and realise the toll of not being happy.

Please place the following topics into the search bar at the top of the page, just need to read the first post, doesn’t take long

Depression- has it taken you to the end?

Suicidal? It isn’t all your fault

Suicidal thoughts and choices

Saving yourself from doom

I hope they help and will wait for your reply. Reply anytime, I’m here most evenings.

We’ll get through this

TonyWK

[Daria_M]

Hey Tony,

7 good days and now back to the same old stuff again.

Covid has really left me with no options, she can't or won't return to her country of origin (pet here as well so that's a hurdle). And holds it over me cause she knows how trapped together we are atm.

I would do anything for her to treat me nicely, and not to drink, that makes it so much worse. But even the mere suggestion of that creates a huge blow up.

Thanks for writing btw, I do appreciate that when I do look here that there is a response. I'm scared everyday and I just want to be happy and normal.

Hope you are doing well as well.

Daria

[Bluemotho419]

I know exactly how you feel i wish there was something I could say but I really hope you know your not alone and I hope you feel better soon 💝

[Daria_M]

Thanks, hope you are okay as well.

I'm writing this in secret.

How sad is that.