Hi again SoftSnowflake
I'm glad you've come to the forums. It's so important to find people to relate to when depression plays such a significant role in one's life. Depression has a kind of language all of its own, a language a lot of people just don't understand or know how to interpret (sounds like this is the case with your mum).
Freedom from depression can come about in the most bizarre and unexpected ways. My own depression started at the age of about 20 and never in a million years did I dream it would end, let alone end within post natal depression group therapy (at the age of 35). Goes to show, we can never predict how things will turn out. Wondering if anyone has ever mentioned group therapy to you. Here is where everyone understands the same language. They truly get it. They understand the fatigue and lack of motivation (often wrongly interpreted as laziness), the anger, the hopelessness, the almost obsessive need for control, the intense self-resentment and the list goes on and on and on. For me, this was the first time I had ever felt 'normal' and accepted.
Here is where I learned that my state of depression did not define me, it defined the way my brain was working or my state of mind/mental processing. It is both sad yet interesting at the same time that you end your post with 'im giving up. someone please help me before i lose myself.' It was within these therapy sessions where I did give up. I gave up my concept of self. I lost my self, my old self and a lot of that mental programing that went along with it.
We hold on so tight to what we know, to all the things we identify with in life, the things we've been led to believe. The thing is, what we identify with (whether it holds truth or not) goes toward creating our identity. Eg: 'Everyone around me is motivated and motivation is valuable in this world' becomes 'I AM unmotivated and worthless'. 'Everyone else seems to be able to find hope for the future' becomes 'I AM hopeless'. But...if you begin relating to folk who experience depression and anxiety, the truth is revealed 'We are warriors fighting a tiring battle whilst seeking our freedom. We are the strong and the brave. We are those to be admired and respected for our endurance and our strength in battle.' If you are going to find an identity, you must base it on truth. Depression cannot survive within a state of truth.
The truth is, SoftSnowflake, you are beautiful - something depression does not allow you to see, yet I see it.
