Need help/advice

[aus2082]

I don't know if anyone can help me or give me advice, I just needed to get this off my chest.

This is where im at. Long story short, my depression is back, which would explain why I have been so distant, quiet, grumpy all of the time lately. It’s been building these last few months and it’s reached a tipping point. I have been crying at random points throughout the days and most nights. Im not happy in just about everything in my life, I eat more than I used to, I get hardly any sleep which isn’t helping as im up all night thinking about this. I know what’s causing it but im too afraid to speak about it as it means my family will be ruined for good.

Ive been married for 7 years now, I love my wife, but not in the way she loves me. She is a wonderful person and a great mother but I just don’t feel anything for her anymore, not the way I should anyway. That 2 years we spent apart ruined it for us, me working in the city while she lived in the country with her family. The travel alone was a killer but the distance put a wedge there that’s just grown each week ever since. Sad isn’t it, took me two years to really miss her and my two kids to make them move back with me. My wife and I have nothing in common, the only thing I feel we have in common is we are married, have two kids and share a bed. I love her but I don’t love her. I love her like a friend and that’s not how a couple should be.

Im at that point with this depression that I have zero patience for my two kids. I know it’s cruel to think and feel like this, but that’s where im at. I want my wife to take our kids and go back to her parents in the country. I want them to stay there and enjoy there life in the country once again.

I never wanted to be a father, it hurts to say that but that’s just how ive always felt. I don’t regret it one bit as I love them so much. What father falls out of love with his kids. I never wanted to get married, I don’t want to be a husband anymore as I feel nothing for her anymore. How the hell do I tell her this as it will crush her the instant I start talking. Whenever im with them I just want them to go away and leave me alone. I need to be alone or else im going to go crazy or snap or both. Im always yelling at them for nothing as my guilt and shame for feeling this way is making me push them away even further.

Some nights I don’t want to come home from work. I just wanna stay in the car and shout and scream at myself. How do I tell them. How do I tell my wife.

[smallwolf]

aus2082,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

I cannot really tell you what to do. But I am listening to you tell your story. Parts of your story I can relate to, which I will tell you about further down.

Is this the first that you have mentioned this to anyone? Is there anyone in your real life that you can speak to (in confidence)? Perhaps your own parents? Could it be your thoughts about your family are the side-effect of depression?

You said that your depression had come back. When you first had it did you get any professional help then? And if so, can you remember any of the exercises or tools you might have been given.

You mentioned being grumpy, not sleeping properly, zero patience. I fell into marriage and kids. But if I am being honest about all of this, this is something I have been dealing with since my teens (30+ years ago). That has been been me for some time. Because of things that happened to me earlier this year, I started seeing a psychiatrist as well. The first thing she did was to tell me about sleep hygiene. That was a good start, along with the ideas for emptying my head before sleeping. (I would wake in the middle of the night thinking about work and not being able to get back to sleep.) The other things for me was that found out my "iron" levels (ferritin) were high which has symptoms of depression, anxiety, mood swings, irritability, and is treated the same was as haemochromatosis. This is not to say that you have this, except there could be "reasons" as to why you might be thinking a particular way. Another things in my mix is the additions of anti-depressants.

Does your wife, or what does your wife know about you and depression?

There are certain things my psychologist wanted me to tell my wife. I would do this at a coffee shop because at least in a space like that there are no distractions like there would be at home. And a certain weight gets removed from you when you can tell your partner your deepest thoughts.

Now, because of the impact of what might happen, and I don't know how long you have been like this, but talking it through with a professional might best help you work out what action to take. This does not invalidate your thoughts or feelings or the chat you feel you need to have. And if you do get professional help, and still have the same view, then ....

Peace and best wishes,

Tim

[Rishie]

Hi aus2082
I don't have any advice either, I think what Tim said was very good. I know how hard it is to feel trapped in a situation and not knowing what to do about it. I tried all kinds of things, from relaxation exercises before sleep to talking to my doctor about it. I got more and more stressed and didn't know what to think or what to do. In the end, getting out was the only way for me. My situation was very different to yours, but in a very small way i can relate.
I think, even though it is going to be incredibly hard, talking to your wife might be a good idea. She probably doesn't understand why you are acting the way you are and she is probably confused and hurt and wonders why you don't tell her what's going on. If you feel that you absolutely can't say it, may be write it down? I know that sounds silly but sometimes it's the only way some of us can get our feelings out in the open. Getting professional help is a good idea too.
Rishie