Something wrong with my head

[Dalro45]

I know that I suffer from some sort of depression and anxiety. But I can't make myself go to the doctor. I don't want to be put onto magical happy pills. I just want to be me.

 Most days I struggle to get out of bed and only do so because I have children. But there have been some days (just 2) where my son missed a day of school because I crawled out of bed after 9. Worst Mother award goes to me! 

I don't have a job, despite the fact that I've applied for many entry level positions. My inbox is full of rejection emails from those who bothered to reply to my applications. But the thing is, even if I got an interview, I'd be a nervous wreck. In past interviews I focused so much on my body language and whether I'm giving them enough eye contact or not enough, that I miss their questions and turn into a mumbling fool.

At present I am living my 'dream' life. I have a wonderful partner of 7 years and 2 of the best kids I could ever ask for. We live in a nice house on acerage with animals that would make 10 year old me jump for joy. But I don't find any enjoyment in it like I thought I would. I love animals. I volunteered at my local RSPCA thinking it would help with my social anxiety and my need to feel 'helpful'. I went for 5 weeks and stopped. I loved the work, the people were nice, it was a great experience for me. But that little voice in my head convinced me that nobody really liked me and I was more of a hinderance than helpful. And that sucks.

So I create mini fantasies in my head of a different life and play them out for a few days until I struggle to find an ending for them. They help in a sense. They put me in a good mood for those few days. But then it's like some sort of devil likes to put things in my path that either remind me of my past fantasy or makes me wish I had that dream life. Example: My latest fantasy was that I was a single vet living in a duplex with my elderly dog and white german shepherd. In my fantasy I would put my elderly dog in a wagon and walk the dogs to the local ice cream place. I would do this every Friday night because I was a loner. A few days later, in real life, I saw an ad for a white german shepherd who needed a single female owner due to behavioural issues. The next day on my newsfeed  I saw a post about a man who puts his elder dog in a wagon and takes him for walks. Talk about screwing with your head!

[Dalro45]

Lol I just re-read what I wrote and it makes no sense. My apologies.

[highhopes]

Hi Dalro45,

Your post made perfect sense, there is no reason to apologize at all. I would be proud of the fact that you collected your thoughts and shared them with us.

After reading your lovely expression of the current situation I am sorry to hear you are feeling like this. 

It is definitely hard to see all the amazing achievements you have managed already in your life, as you mentioned you have an amazing partner of 7 years and 2 wonderful kids which I am sure they love you to bits.

I myself also experience social anxiety, but while it can seem like a hindrance for you, it is also a humble attribute. Social Anxiety for me is about trying to be on my best behavior all the time, and I personally worry about what people think so much and not enough about all the wonderful things about myself.

You mentioned about the job interviews and rejection letters, if I was your son/daughter, I would be so proud to have you as a mum that you are trying so hard. I wouldn't let a few rejection letters get you down because I bet just around the corner you will find the perfect role and you will be glad you aren't working for those other companies who rejected you.

To help you get the ball rolling, were you able to speak to a Careers Councillor to help open up more opportunities for you? They do amazing work and have helped me find work in the past when all other options had failed. They will often manage the first interview stage which you can be as honest as you want with them, if your feeling nervous they can help understand the situation and give you enough time to answer the questions. I always get so nervous in job interviews, I am sure you would be perfect for any of the jobs you applied for. 

There is no reason you don't deserve to feel great in your life, I think what you have achieved already should be credited. After all you have created life twice, that itself is a wonderful thing.

Hopefully my info may help a little bit to help you understand your feelings. I wish you the best things in life 🙂

[pipsy]

Hi Dalro45.  You poor thing.  My heart really goes out to you.  You are in a relationship with 2 kids, yet you are so lonely and unsure of yourself, you crawl into a little box.  I'm wondering with the job interviews you tried for.  Were they the 'right' sort of jobs for your particular skills?  Try making a list of the skills you do have.  For instance, are you a good listener, do you have competent computer skills.  Not just writing letters, do you have financial ability enough to help someone budget?  Do you have a good education behind you that maybe a vet could use.  They look for someone with empathy working with sick/injured animals.  Admittedly, at first it would be hard seeing some of these animals, but imagine the pleasure seeing animals re-housed, made well again.  You sound such a caring, loving person, it's a shame to see you apply for jobs you're maybe not suited to.  What about Lifeline volunteer work.  If you are a good listener, and understand people's insecurities, they could always use you.  Maybe a night school course where they teach job application skills would help.  Try your local high school or Tafe.  Application skills cover all aspects of interviewing a prospective employee.  Knowing what the employer is looking for is half the secret of getting the job.

Don't give up.

[White_Rose]

Dear Dalro

Thank you for writing in and welcome to Beyond Blue. Like Highhopes I am sad that you are feeling this way.

I suspect you know you need to go and see your GP. You will not necessarily need to take medication, and in any case it certainly is not "magical happy pills". It's unfortunate that the perception of antidepressants and similar medication is that they make you "happy", which I think is shorthand for the same effect as taking illegal drugs. Not a chance. If this were the case there would be heaps of people clamouring for them.

You say you are already living in a fantasy world at times. So now it's time to start your journey to be healed. Please make an appointment with your GP and take it from there.

Mary

[Neil_1]

Hi there Dalro

I’ll try to work through your post as you wrote it and see how I go.

As you heard from Mary, yep, there are NO magical happy pills.  Ohhhh, if only.   To be honest, that’s what I thought they might be too, but they’re not like that – I believe there are “other drugs” out there that can do this, but the side effects are atrocious, so we won’t be going down that path.   You’ll still be “me”, well, not me as such, you’ll be “you” if you can get onto some meds – because right now your body/mind/brain is not making the chemicals that you need to make you see things without depressive feelings.  So we take anti-depressants to help us produce these chemicals – we are still “us” just with some added ‘flavouring’ (for want of a better word).

No no, you are not the worst mother – I believe that went to the woman who parked in a Casino carpark in summer and left her toddler in the car while she went in and made some well placed bets on a poker machine.  She wins hands down.

You on the other hand are battling this mongrel illness and yet for 99% of the time, you ARE able to get out of bed& get your son off to school.  That’s what you’ve got to keep remembering – so you had one day that you couldn’t get out of bed – don’t beat yourself up about that.  I’m sure your son would have loved the day off also.  🙂

You’re also being able to put in job applications – that in itself is a massive achievement – it takes major effort to be able to do that, so please, “congratulate” yourself on that.  And we all get so many knock-backs with trying for jobs – particularly at the moment as the market is weighed heavy with so many people trying for jobs.  It’s just a matter of putting all of the other ones behind you, getting back up and trying again – or like Pipsy mentioned, to widen your range of options a bit.

Think I’m running out of characters, so I just want to touch quickly on these fantasies that you have.   Oh boy, this is a huge thing – channel those skills, focus, and write them down – and think:  Powerball, think Lotto, think OzLotto.   I mean, your last fantasy happened in the days after in a “kind of way” – perhaps you can tune in to the appropriate numbers.  And if you do, hey, remember who encouraged you – wink wink.  🙂

Neil