My little purge, just need to talk

[SaraJ]

Hello, just need to talk anonomously, thanks for listening. I've been feeling depressed, having a bit of a downward spiral, not suicidal or anything, just spiralling sad, no sure what to do. I keep pulling myself out and have been good for long whiles however not doing so great lately.

I think a large part of it has to do with I was finally getting out and connecting with likeminded people in a club I enjoyed being a part of but, a certain high ranking member seems to be insecure  and possessive of "his" members and me talking to people he has decided are not to be associated with has landed me in a bad place. Doesn't help he's telling other members lies about things I've never said or done either. There's no other similar clubs in my area and I really miss many of the members which I got along well with.  I could come back (although likely excluded from many events) if I decide to do some grovelling and and shut up and not have anything to do with those he doesn't like, haven't been able to bring myself to do it though. Should I? I mean it'd go against my principles and likely be pretty awkward and depressing when all the others are out at social events I won't be allowed to go to at times but at least I'd get out sometimes. 

I'm a very introverted person who has taught myself to be a "pretend extrovert" since  I have to deal with people all day, but to be honest, I often end up exhausted doing this. How do I deal with that? By isolating myself out of work hours so I can recharge. What does that do? It makes me more isolated and basically at work/by myself kind of circle. Little interactions with friends. Most stopped inviting me to anything years ago and fell out of touch. I have no close friends any more. No one I can really talk to. I've never had a partner, I can't let anyone that close. I feel I'll end up alone forever. Certain people seem to insist on pointing that out- ie what's wrong with you. Surely someone would have you? I feel if I were to die, the only side of me people would remember is what I did for a living. Morbid thought I know, but there's so much more to me that no one really sees anymore.

[geoff]

dear Sarah, thanks for coming to the BB site and posting your sad comment.

It does upset me when people are picked out and criticised by the 'gang' leader who either doesn't like you or feels as though you are a threat to him/her.

This particular person must have done this so many times to other past members, and I know what I am going to say won't appease you at the moment but it will eventually happen, and that's they will have their day when other members realise what he/she is doing.

The comment you make that 'you pretend to be extroverted' raises the alarm bells as you seem to be facing some form of social anxiety, which can happen once you know that what this person has said is a complete load of rubbish.

Can you think of any reason why other people have stopped asking you to join them when they go out, is it because it's where doubles go, and sorry if that upset you, because I have no intention of wanting to hurt you.

Principles are very important, but is it possible to stretch your boundaries a little and go back, because there's an old analogy where they say 'if you fall of a horse the best thing to do is to climb back onto the horse', so if there is nowhere else to go and you desperately want to get out, then just sneak back in, and by doing this you have beaten this person and not stayed away.

Now if they say 'where is your partner' then you could make a few little white lies, by saying 'he has to study', or he is a carer for his mum, that's it don't get into any other discussion about it.

You never know there might be someone around the corner dying to meet you, but perhaps is a shy person.

It's bound to happen that you will meet someone, but please I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Dear Sarah

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thanx for coming here and providing your post.  I’ve seen where you’ve been responded to by one of the great people on our community, Geoff and he has raised some very good points for you and I thought I’d come along and have a chat as well.

It sucks so much when you find yourself in a good place (like the club you were going too) and then to find that you had to not go because of this one individual.  In my books that’s similar to bullying and I really dislike bully’s.  😞

My thought on this is:  there were members of this club who you got on really well with, and they were like-minded people, etc.  Is there any way of you being able to contact one, some or all of them and to ask them if you could meet up for a lunch, a coffee or something like that??  Do they know of the bad way you were treated by this person and subsequently for why you don’t feel comfortable in attending anymore?   I hope they do, because that might help them to decide much easier that yes, they’d love to catch up with you.

I was initially thinking of you trying to go back, but if you were not going to be allowed to go to certain events OR if this individual continues to spread untrue rumours about you, then you really don’t need to be a part of that.

Ah yes, the old ‘extrovert pretend’ mask (or I used to call it my depression mask) which I used to wear with much aplomb in years gone by.  The covering up of how you’re really feeling and being a ‘different person’ – you know when I had my mask on, I’d be up-five and lively and funny – ok, ok, I’d be up five and lively and I’d only be funny in my own mind, I’m pretty sure I was the only one who thought I was funny.  Sorry, slight digression there.

Having said all this, it sounds as though you only use your ‘pretend’ mask for certain places and that in other places, you’ve let people know about how you really are feeling;  I say this cause you’ve said that over the time, lots of friends and other people have taken their leave from you.  That tells me that they know about your depression and aren’t wishing to keep on persisting with you – and you know, that’s their loss.

I’m almost out of characters, so I’ll send this and really hope that you can get back to us.

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi SaraJ,

I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and the community here. The guys have given you some great advice and ideas on how to tackle your situation.

I too was thinking along the lines of you being able to catch up with the people whom you liked from the club, but out of the club, so club rules will not impede on you getting together.

Can you explain why you would be excluded from certain events if you did return to the club? That hardly sounds fair or reasonable to me!

I had recently decided to quit a group I was involved in due to one member treating me like a total dunderhead! I went and stated I was resigning, that particular person wasn't there. Other members asked me to stay and I had a great chat with two of them, and now I have decided to stay.

I will work out ways to not be so affected by the person whom I feel picks on me and stand up for myself more.

Is there someone higher up in the club whom you can talk to about this guys behaviour? Could one of the people who you do like at the club help you to overcome this problem?

Sometimes it is hard to know who we should be and how we should act. Try to just be yourself. I do understand there are times when you might need to put on a mask, if it helps you through your day, then that is okay I think. Just be true to who you are deep inside.

Regarding a partner, I have many single friends who are very happy as they are and enjoy their lives. Make the most of each day, and who knows, one day some very special person might come your way.

Hope this has helped you a little. Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Dear Sara

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. It's a good place to tell your story and get help and support.

I am so sorry to hear of your club experience. I went through a huge bullying experience and became extremely depressed and distressed. Both my GP and psychologist advised me to leave the organisation before I collapsed completely. Eventually I did, in many ways against my own judgement, but it hurt so much. I was doing a great job there which tied in with all my beliefs.

The unfortunate part is that the enmity some members of the organisation had towards me seem to have lingered and much of what was working is now in the process of being dismantled. I had a phone call last night about the latest iniquity and it still kills me. There is nothing I can do except watch and grieve.

Of course hindsight is 20/20 so now I feel I should have had the strength to stay. But I didn't and there is no way I can go back. Would not be allowed for one thing and I also suspect my presence would make matters worse.

Whether or not you stay in the club is of course up to you. My organisation was a charity. I was also going to suggest you contact those members who you got on with and meet with them. For one thing they may be able to update you on what is going on. Has anyone else experienced that same problem as you?

It seems strange that one person can exclude you from activities. Is this the head honcho? Can you start your own club? I do understand that finding another activity that you enjoy will be difficult. I have found two potential places but they are not the same. Well one may turn out well. I haven't started there yet.

Anyway, I haven't really helped you with your difficulty. Just moaned about my own.

Mrs Dools comment is good about stating why you feel like leaving. It may prompt others to stand by you a little. And as Mrs Dools says, you will need to find a way to manage this person without getting upset and without compromising your principles. In the end I could not do this. There was just too much at stake. Sad really because now the whole thing has become unravelled and many people in need will no longer receive the help they need. Whoops, there I go again.

Yes, I know about the mask, the preferred costume of the depressed. Throw it in the bin and be yourself. Will talk again when you reply.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Sara

I'm checking in with you to see how you are going. Hope all is well. Would love to hear from you again.

Mary

[SaraJ]

Thanks for all the non-judgemental support guys. Yeah issue is, the person involved pretty much runs the place these days, which is why I think my options are going to be a bit limited at times even if I was to rejoin. Seems like nothing happens without his ok anymore. Shame, was one of those situations where he used to be a nice person, but a little power and it's all gone to his head. Part (but no all) of the reason why I'm on the outer is I hate bullying and tend to put myself into conversations that if I had any sense I'd keep out of, but I find it hard to back out and ignore it). Since if you're not being singled out, he seems nice (I used to think so too!) No one's going to risk going up against the powers that be to let me come along when I'm not supposed to be there. I have spoken to others and it got back to me that he'd been saying things about me to others which weren't true either so hard to really know what's going on. Some people involved with the club will still talk to me as long as it's not club event related which is kind of positive.  It's probably no big deal in the scheme of things. I was just upset the other day because it was something I really enjoyed doing and had helped keep me from feeling isolated and stressed, since it was a social thing I really enjoyed and a bit of outlet to get away when everything else got a bit much. Guess I either need to take a deep breath, rejoin and just try to keep out of the way and hope it all blows over eventually, or don't and find something else to do (A shame, but I really hate playing the politics game). I know it's not the end of the world. I think I get a degree of compassion fatigue and burnout from work at times. It can make me over react to things I probably should just brush off and not stress too much about.

The "pretending to be extroverted" comment really is just a social coping mechanism I've picked up over the years. If you don't look someone in the eyes you're not trust worthy, if you don't project confidence with an outgoing nature, people think you don't know what you're doing and will question you every step of the way, if you're quiet, you're antisocial. Even though it's exhausting, it allows you to function the way everyone thinks you should, so weirdly enough makes life easier in a way. It's also great for the smile and keep going thing that Neil mentioned (although I'm finding that harder at the moment).

Thank you for all the great advice guys. Take care.

[SaraJ]

I think part of what gets me is sometimes I feel so sad, to he point that I just want to sit down and cry. Sometimes there's no particular trigger that has set it off, it's just lots of smaller things that have been building up and bottling up to the point that I feel unwell. I then feel guilty about feeling depressed since although I sometimes find work stressful, I have a good job, the best one I think I've ever had. I was brought up in a good home. I have enough money to live on, there are people far, far worse off than me, I feel like I should be able to pull it together better. Doesn't help when you hear people talking about "1st world problems and depression" ie- "some people in poor countries have nothing but look how happy they are. I went overseas and they were all so happy with nothing. All this stuff about most people who say they're depressed is stupid, what have they really got to worry about, people just need perspective" (It's not me saying this! it's just conversations that seem to come up from time to time. I know that's not always the case but it's hard not to feel that twinge of "I should be handling this better, what do I really have to be upset about compared to some. Just keep going, no one wants to hear about it" So it bottles up and eats away, making you tired, loose interest in things you used to be motivated to do, sad about things that probably should be fairly inconsequential). I'm trying to pull myself out, I always do sooner or later when I've been having a bad run, just at a low point at the moment. 

[Doolhof]

Hi SaraJ,

Depression can be a very confusing illness to suffer from. Yes, there are millions of people in the world who would love to have our "Problems" to deal with instead of starvation, poverty, being wrongly imprisoned and so on, but the thing is that we are walking in our own shoes right now.

It is hard to explain. I don't understand depression myself. Why can you feel okay one day and totally lousy the next? There is no reason.

We are told it is the chemicals in our brains that are out of whack, or it may be due to an event we have experienced.

Accept the bad days and try to look forward to better times. Look for ways to overcome the deep depression and work on those strategies. Find things to do that make you feel better about life.

Read up on ways to overcome and beat depression. Look for things to be thankful for each day.

There is hope and you can find it. Hope this helps a little.

Cheers, from Mrs. Dools

[White_Rose]

Hello Sara

How are you going? I was looking at your post again and read about other people being worse of than you. You know there is no comparison between people and their illnesses. The difficulties you are contending with are your problems.  What is happening with other people is their problem. There is no competition to have the best or worst illness. And if we deferred treatment for ourselves until someone else was cured we would all end up in a bad way.

You are what you are, and you have the problems you have. It does not matter what is happening for others. You are a person who needs help and that is the only criterion required for assistance. This is your journey so take yourself seriously and be kind to yourself. If you can help someone without harming yourself, then do so. But your priority is you. Saying that other people are worse off may be true but has no bearing on your situation. All it means is that you are giving yourself an excuse not to accept help.

Now grandma has spoken (and I am a grandma) so pay attention. You are beautiful and worthwhile. You have your unique gifts. You can grow and prosper, use the knowledge of depression in all its facets to help others and spread the word that the Black Dog can be tamed and brought to heel. This is true for all of us no matter how much or how little we have been broken.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Mary