So why do I sit Here...Alone....Trying to Find a Reason to Go On?

[Dippy_Dora]

The above title is from a song I used to know...years ago...but I cannot remember who. It seems to be playing in my mind over and over and over. I find some comfort in the fact that someone else actually felt/feels this way too. Every day is a struggle for me to get through, I just feel exhausted all the time, my mind feels like a fog, even my speech is deteriorating in a weird way, I can't seem to speak properly. I feel like just giving in and not bothering with anything anymore. I have certainly lost my Love of Life....I can remember I was happy once and wonder how many other people are walking around, dragging themselves about...all pretending that nothing is wrong. When I am around other people I forget how unhappy I am because their chatter is a distraction. As is the TV, but then I switch that off and I can't even remember what I was watching. I stumbled across this forum and find comfort in reading that other people are suffering too....

[Dippy_Dora]

Thank you so much Dizzy@home....your experience of a breakdown sounds dreadful.

I really hope that's not where I am heading.

In my 20's I suffered Panic Attacks when I was getting myself out of an abusive relationship as I was so scared and frightened that he was going to kill me. The feelings of fear were immense and I couldn't breathe and fell onto the bedroom floor. I got away from him but it took a lot of courage and a book called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". I had kept the abuse hidden for a whole year and got so much support when I finally told people what was going on. I was amazed that nobody knew what was going on at that time in my life. Anyway I got away from him and that was a big lesson in life....

I had a broken heart so I threw myself into studying and a career. A few years later I went abroad to Africa to work for a few years and was so happy there. It was quite stressful and dangerous at times but because I'd survived such a dreadful relationship I thought I would cope with anything. When I came home I think that's when this depression started...I have never been the same happy person since I came back. That was 2002 so I have been battling the infernal flames of doom for many years now. (...writing all this down and reading it back is helping me so much It's almost like writing it down is, I don't know... )

So now I am realising that there has been something not right for many years and it has hindered me in many ways. I feel like an actress. I am reluctant to seek help. Why? I don't know why....maybe it's because I feel ok and change my mind. When I feel OK it's like a breath of fresh air and I want to stay that way forever.

My mum had mental health issues and alcohol addiction and I spent years and years and years putting her needs before my own. I can't cope with drunks, but I can cope with anything else. Feeling weird now.

[Just Sara]

Hi Dora;

You express yourself so beautifully lovely lady. I'm glad my post was some help, and, your response opened up some interesting issues too.

Please research PTSD. Veterans suffer this due to being on alert all the time during active duty, then come home to peace not knowing how to cope with not feeling hyper-vigilant. The mind has become so used to living with adrenaline and chemicals used in fighting, it has to learn to relax again, or maybe, like in my case, learn for the first time. People who've suffered abuse and trauma can exhibit PTSD symptoms in similar ways and not even know it. But the signs are usually there within relationships and employment.

I have issues sleeping in my bed alone. I have coping strategies, and now know the root causes. But this is due to some great psych support and self assessment.

Getting diagnosed is one of the first steps to recovery. Please talk with your GP about a referral and mental health plan. It doesn't mean you're insane...it just means you may need professional help; there's no shame in that. It takes courage to admit something's not right. You've done that on this site and we've heard and acknowledged your cries for help. The rest is up to you. Don't hesitate to call on us again for help; it's what we do for each other.

Out and proud...Dizzy x

[Just Sara]

I just want to add, you don't have to be experiencing crisis every second of the day to have problems. But saying you're not the happy person you used to be is a clue.

You don't have to see your GP just because I said it's a good idea either. That decision is yours.

Reading over what you've written is good therapy. Keeping a personal journal is like that. I've been doing it for over 20 years and reminds me sometimes how far I've come when I read the old one's.

Keep up the good work courageous girl...Dizzy x

[Dippy_Dora]

Thank you Dizzy,

You are so right. I do need to tell my GP what is going on. I am such a dippy person, today the sun is shining and my mood is so different to yesterday. I have started a private Doom Diary so I can read how I felt each day and see if there is a cycle to these feelings.

People describe me as calm, friendly and easy-going....so on the outside I am like a Duck but underneath the surface there is a lot of angst going on which makes me feel tired and bored with myself. I have also realised (from this website) that I am subconsciously counting things all the time, making patterns in my mind of things that I see. I can remember being quite young and telling someone about this, they said everyone did it!!! So for all these years I thought it was normal to be doing this. I am keeping a diary of when I do it the most...sometimes I make patterns from words in my mind and repeat them I reckon that is what is making me feel so exhausted all the time. It could also be contributing to the lack of concentration and dippy-ness that I feel.

[Just Sara]

Hi Dora;

I'll try and make this short as it's late.

Creating patterns in your mind tells me you may be trying to make sense of your life if it's in disarray or lacking in routine. Also, a home life of chaos sometimes is a contributor. Having a 'doom' diary is concentrating on the problem, not solutions. Try to learn to identify emotions and feelings in your body first. This relates to 'detachment'. That means the mind is doing all the work and not taking notice of your body. Getting into gardening for instance connects you to the earth and is grounding, or using both body and mind in activities.

I'm asking you see your GP as soon as possible and take your diary/journal with you. With this journal, pretend you're talking to it as if it were your best friend. Tell it your deepest secrets and desires. Tell it when life is hard and try not to analyse or judge your words too much. Then a few days later read it back to yourself. Keep it safe ok.

Your GP may prescribe med's that will help with the counting thing. I do it too, but don't dwell as it's not of concern in the scheme of things. But as I've said, "What you put off today, may come back and bite you in the bum later on."

Stay well and keep an eye on this site for comfort ok.

Kind thoughts...Dizzy x

[Dippy_Dora]

Thank you Dizzy.