Major depression- one step forward, two steps back

[TaraB]

Hey,

I'm 25, female, with major depression disorder/ eating disorder/ body dismorfier since I was 13. Does anyone else feel like you try so hard to get better and then fall straight back again? I was feeling better for afew months, but my beautiful nanna passed away suddenly a year ago and ever since I feel more lost than ever before. She was my family and I feel like something died in me too.

Lately I cant stand looking in the mirror it makes me so angry at myself. I hate having a shower because I know the mirror will be there when I get out. I'm a fitness instructor and its impacted on my confidence to do my study/job.

I'm hoping someone knows these feelings and can give me some advice on how to get myself out of this black hole.

xXx 💙💙

[trustlife]

Hi TaraB, thanks for your post. That's certainly a lot you have going on there.

Losing your Nanna would not help thing either. I do understand when you say you feel something died inside you. I've certainly been there. Grief can strike you like a knife and we don't always know where it came from. For example we could be just feeling down and not really sure why. The first step is not to take on depression, eating disorder, body image and your Nanna's loss all in one go. You won't win that round. So, drop everything first and take it piece by piece. I'd start with your Nanna. Get your warmest memory of her. On one hand you have sadness, a sense of loss, maybe even anger. On the other you have warm memories, admiration and even a sense of pride. We have a choice which one to put into our mind. As you know, the mind is like a computer. It will run whatever program we give it. There's no upside to a sense of loss. When you wake up on her birthday you might be faced with this choice. Swap a sense of loss with a sense of admiration, and I promise you, you will have new eyes to view the dawn. Once you start doing that, you'll find it's the same key for the rest.

[james1]

Hi TaraB, that sounds really tough. Thank you for having the courage to post here.

I second what trustlife said about taking things piece by piece. I've had a relationship breakdown, possible personality disorder and depression recently, and my psychologist's suggestion was we deal with the most pressing issue now. The relationship breakdown and personality disorder are things largely in/from the past, whereas the depression is affecting me most right now and the most concerning. So that's what we're putting time into, because it's overwhelming otherwise.

Sorry, I can't give you much more advice but I hear you and I just want to let you know you can feel safe posting here. Are you seeing any professional help as well?

James

[Zeal]

Hi Tara,

I'm sorry to hear you've had these mental health difficulties since the age of 13. I'm also so sorry for the loss of your lovely Nanna.

I'm a 23 year old female, and I was diagnosed with OCD (anxiety) at 13. I still have OCD, and I have been taking SSRI's (classed as antidepressants) for the last several years. Eating disorders are so persistent and debilitating. I had an atypical eating disorder at 19, and I thankfully recovered with the help of a voluntary hospital admission, an outpatient nurse, a psychologist, and my family. Reaching out to family members for support would be of benefit, if this is possible. My parents were a huge source of support, and still are, even though I have recovered from the eating disorder.

If you don't mind me asking, have you received treatment in the past for depression and/or the eating disorder and body dysmorphia? Going to your doctor (GP) for a consult, and then getting a referral to a psychologist would be of great benefit. Your GP can create a mental healthcare plan to allow you to get back a proportion of psych appointment fees from your health provider.

Do you live with someone, like family or friends? I ask this because I feel that living alone when you have mental illness can be an issue. It's also nice to have somewhere there when you get home.

It would be great to hear from you again 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[White_Rose]

Dear Tara

Hello and welcome. Writing about your anxieties and difficulties on Beyond Blue is a good place to start. You have received three great answers and we will continue to help and support you on BB.

I am so sorry that your nan has passed away. Losing such a loved person is hard and it seems the pain will never go away. I felt like this when my mom died and it took a long time for the pain to come down to bearable. When there are also other problems in your life it can seem as though you will always be unwell and nothing will change. It's not true, life can and will get better.

I see you have described your life as a black hole. That's what I used to call it. We can get past this, put our pain to rest a little and give ourselves a good life. It's what we all deserve.

Trustlife and the others have said we can only manage one thing at a time. Sadly, trying to fix everything at once usually makes us more depressed, so it's baby steps to start with. My daughter used to say that to me when I first fell into the black hole. Start with your Nana as Trustlife has suggested. I imagine this is the hardest to live with.

Have you talked to your GP about how you feel? I have a wonderful GP and I feel I can talk to her about anything. Start by making an appointment, preferably a long one, and talk about what is happening in your life. Your GP knows all about grief and how it affects everyone. He/she may suggest some grief counselling or may be able to help you in the surgery. My GP was great at this sort of stuff.

You asked if anyone had experienced these things. Well not all of them but grief from losing my mom, separating from husband and discovering I had breast cancer in one year was a hefty load. Well the breast cancer stuff was sorted out by the hospital and all I needed to do was turn up for the surgery and follow up visits.

Mom's death was hard. My two daughters and I flew to the UK for the funeral. It was good we had each other to hold on to as we were all devastated. No matter how prepared you feel, it is always a huge shock when it happens. So work on this. It does take time and I am sorry that you will be grieving. Please hold on to the thought you will feel better in a while, and BB is here to hold you. You will not stop loving your Nana, but you will find it easier to remember the things she did and the family jokes. If you can talk to family about Nana and remember the happy times it will help you.

Please continue to write in.

Mary