So tired of it all

[Loser]

I have no strength left. None. I have been fighting this for 20 years and I have had enough. I tried, I really did. Somehow I managed to hold a job and not be drain on society but I get in return is a kick in the face. How am I expected to live like this? 

I haven't left my bed now since Thursday. I don't know which is worse between the suffocating anxiety or the crippling depression. I just want it to end. Every night I pray that this will be my last and every morning I wake up filled with disappointment. My chest and arm aches and I hope that it is a heart attack but I know it's not really.

im going to see my gp today but honestly, what can I expect the poor guy to do. He can't fix the train wreck that is my life. Having me front up blubbering in his face is probably the last thing he needs but

I don' t know what else to do. 

I've got no friends or family to speak of so I have to wonder

what is the point of this miserable existence?

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[JessF]

Hello L, I'm not going to call you by your chosen name, because I have no wish to insult you - it sounds like you are being hard enough on yourself already.

How did your GP appointment go today? Even though you are feeling it won't help, I am pleeased that you made the appointment and that you have posted here because it shows that in spite of how awful you're feeling, you do still want things to change and to find a way forward, and there IS one, believe me. I have felt just like you do now.

It sounds like things have been tough for you for quite a while. Perhaps you can tell us what is going on in your life to unload a bit and we can chat about it. You sound very alone at the moment, with not having friends or family to support you. Please talk to us here.

[White_Rose]

Hello L

Like Jess I do not want to use the name you have given yourself. If you are posting here you want to win.

At this stage I cannot say much other than to echo Jess' words. Please come back and tell us a a little more about yourself.  How did you get on with the doctor?  Do you see a psychologist or psychiatrist? As a result of talking to your doctor today, has he referred you to a counselor or therapist? Sorry for the list of questions but these are important things.

Come and tell us a little more of your story.

Regards

LING

[Brokenandbruised]

Hi L,

i know how you feel. I'm going through a major depressive episode right now. Come back and tell us more. I haven't worked in 5 months. Everyone is pressuring me. Maybe we can support each other. I feel the darkness. Hope to hear from you. 

[Loser]

Hi all, thanks for the kind words.

So I visited the doctor, left clutching yet another prescription. Yay. Crawled back into bed and tried to make a positive decision. So we get to this morning, where I forced myself to go through the motions & go to work. Of course that started out well when I forgot my security pass & couldn't get into the building. That's pretty typical, I screw everything up when I'm like this. This is not good for somebody with a technical job and one mistake can lead to catastrophe. Now I am in that hated situation where I need to pass people in the hall and they're saying "Hi! How are you?" and I'm all "Good! You?" when what I really want to do is to hide in the fire escape so I don't have to go through that charade every 5 minutes. It really is tiring pretending that everything is fine and dandy as opposed to just wishing you were dead. It's one of the worse things about this. Nothing makes you feel more alone than having to pretend everything is OK and that you are a normal person while you sit alone overwhelmed with fear. Now I have to sit at my desk hoping that nothing happens that requires my attention and watch the clock tick over while my heart pounds and my chest aches. I see the people around me living their lives, planning holidays with their girlfriends and being happy and wonder what is wrong with me. I've been listening to classical music on the radio in an attempt to get some sense of calm and the announcer read a letter from a listener who described how she listens to Schubert, or Mozart or someone in her cottage in some idyllic village in Tasmania while watching the view over the valley and Bass Straight and I wonder how people manage to get their lives in to such good order that they can do that whereas I can barely manage keeping a lid on the chaos. And I don't even do that very well. 

Even when I'm not at rock bottom like now, even when I am supposedly "OK" I am just that. OK. Not good. Not happy. I can't remember when I was last happy. I can't imagine a time in the future where I will be happy. I simply exist in some sort of zombie state, going through the motions of life because . . . I don't know why. Sometimes I think somebody else is controlling my body and I am just observing my surroundings from a distance. Like in that movie "Being John Malkovich". Except that this is not a good movie like that was. Anyway I don't know what else to say. That's just about it. Life goes on, unfortunately. Thanks for reading