So Down and Sad

[condar]

I was diagnosed with severe depression about 4 years ago but I know that I have had it for much longer than that.

Just over 12 months ago I left my job because I felt that everything was coming crashing down around me. I got my first job offer last week and worked for 2 days but then left. It was at a hospital and for the 2 days that I was there I kept bursting into tears.

i really want to be able to work but now I'm

crying all the time and feel so worthless being supported by my wife.

Some mornings I just lay in bed trying to think of a reason why I should get up.

latey I have been thinking that everyone would be better off without me around.

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[fifi]

Firstly no one will be better off without you 🙂 we all have short comings some more than others please know that although all you see is clouds atm the sun will shine again and when it does you will be glad that you decided to stick it out .Please stay strong . as for your work have you considered getting a job in a take away shop or something relatively easy maybe that will help to ease you back in ?? i am sorry if my suggestions are not of much help lol but just know you are valuable, loved,cherished and i am more than sure very much appreciated the rain will pass sometimes it just takes a little while to pass . This forum is a brilliant and there are so many people that are there to hold you hand through the hard times use us 🙂 take care and please keep checking in so we know you are ok 🙂 

Love and light ❤️

[AGrace]

Hi Condar,

I'm glad to see that fifi has posted you such an endearing reply. She is right, you are very valuable, and there are also plenty of people here who have been where you are and have come out the other side.

I was surprised to see your thread, because the topic of work has been playing on my mind for the last couple of days. I left my job almost a year ago because of Depression, Anxiety, PTS, and BPD...It was all too much, and sadly I was suicidal and self harming. 

My partner and I just came back from an overseas trip and on Monday morning as I watched him get ready for another work day I really started to feel guilty. He came home at night really exhausted and I felt like I had to make this huge list of things that I'd done to make it sound like I'm not lazy. I receive salary continuance, so I feel like I can contribute financially (although my partner doesn't let me pay for much), but it's just that dreaded thought that "he must wish he could stop working too".

I know the reason I left work was because I was extremely unwell, but things have been ok for the past month, and so it's hard to come across as though I shouldn't be going back to work. Honestly though, the thought of even having an interview scares me let alone actually getting a job.

The ironic thing is, if I asked him about it I know he would say that I don't have to rush back into work.

I haven't lived this experience yet, but I'm guessing what I'll eventually do is work on a return to work plan with my Psychologist. This way I can ease myself back into work, and I really want to be doing something meaningful.

You mentioned that you were diagnosed 4 years ago. Are you still taking medication, or getting another form of treatment? Is your wife supportive of you, and does she know how you feel? I bet if the shoe were on the other foot and you were supporting your wife, you would be ok with this. I think sometimes I have to remind myself of this. I don't know what's around the corner for me and my partner. Maybe one day I'll be back at work and he'll lose his job. I would gladly support him in return for all that he's done for me. One day the tables might turn for you too.

Hope to hear more from you, and please call Beyondblue, Lifeline, or 000 if you are having thoughts of suicide.

AGrace

[condar]

Thank you fifi I am trying to remain strong

[condar]

Hi AGrace,

i feel like you where when my wife gets home I feel that I need to tell her what I have done for the day because I feel so guilty. I am on medication which I have been on since the beginning but not really helping at the moment. My wife is supportive but just doesn't know what to do for me at times. Being home alone is not always the best thing because that's when I think and at times don't trust myself.

[AGrace]

Hi Condar,

Oddly enough, after speaking with my Psychologist yesterday I decided last night to have the conversation with my partner about the guilt etc. He said he wants to work and he doesn't care whether I go back to work or not. He sees this time as an opportunity for me to really focus on my health and to think about what I'd like to do in terms of work. Baring in mind that it would be silly to go back to something so stressful and demanding. So now I'm the one that needs to acknowledge the guilt but also recognise that it's not necessary.

What sorts of things do you think your wife could be doing for you at the moment? Perhaps give this some thought. Also give some thought to what activities you currently fill your days with, and perhaps some activities that you think you could do instead or as well as. You're right staying at home all day is not healthy for our body or mind.

I'm wondering if you've been on the same medication since the beginning if it's time to have your medication reviewed, given that it's not as effective at the moment?

Are you seeing a Psychiatrist/Psychologist?

Have you considered doing some group therapy or outpatient programs? This might be a good way for you to build some social skills, a routine, and get back into doing something rather than staying at home. I do day programs through the hospital I was previously in.

You could also consider starting with some volunteer work. There's plenty available and as a volunteer your attendance is not compulsory, just appreciated.

Was there something specific about this new job at the hospital that triggered you?

I'm guessing it will also take some time to ease back into. I'm also wondering whether you are at the stage where you should be considering returning to work just yet? Perhaps there's still some work you can be doing on your mental health?

You might also like to think of a hobby that you could engage in regularly. I'm actually in the process of creating my own website. It makes me feel like I'm working, even though it's just for me at the moment. I'm also thinking of bringing distribution of a new little business that my sister has started in London to Australia. For this I'm going to have to start a sewing class. Even if you enjoy walking you could do something like a paper round. I will eventually start studying again, is this something you have considered?

Hope I haven't given you too much to think about:)

AGrace

[condar]

Hi AGrace,

Well you have given me a bit to think about and yes I have been on the same medication all the time the dosage has just been increased.

I have a couple of hobbies that I enjoy doing. One is cooking and the other is doing tapestry I find they give me something else to think about and also keep my mind busy.

I think the thing that triggered me with the job at the Hospital was that when it was advertised it stated that it was in the kitchen and cleaning but however when I started I was thrown in as wardsman in the stroke ward. The hardest thing about that was having to shower, clean and dress patients that are totally immobile which I have never done before and the other reason was that my Mother-In-Law had a massive stroke and had to be put into a nursing home and we had to watch her slowly waste away and die over a five year period it's the worst thing to ever see.

I'm glad that you spoke to your partner about your guilt and I hope that it has made you feel much better about yourself.

I hope your website works out and in the meantime it's probably really helping you by keeping your mind busy with another activity.

As for studying I have just turned 40 and haven't studied for quite a few years so its certainly something worth looking into now you have mentioned it.

Condar

[condar]

Hi AGrace,

Hi I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice you have given me.

Condar

[AGrace]

Hi Condar,

You are more than welcome. I'm just glad that I gave you some things to consider. 

I actually published my website today, so that was a big achievement. 

The shift from kitchen and cleaning to actually bathing people at the hospital sounds like it would have caused anyone immense distress. I think quitting was a good idea. I wonder whether they were the most professional people to work for anyway. 

Sorry to hear about your mother in law. It's really tragic and very painful to see someone you care about suffering like that, only to lose them anyway. How has your wife coped with losing her mother? 

What would you study if you could? It's never too late. What sort of work were you doing previously? 

AGrace

[condar]

Hi AGrace,

Congratulations in getting your website going you must be so proud.

it was actually a relief in the end when she passed.

I would love to study hospitality and cooking.

When I left school I stated working for a bank for 14 years then was a manager of a service station for 8 years. The service station was high pressure being on call 24/7.

Condar