So Alone

[Poochlover]

I am a single parent to an 18 year old son.  I have had zero support from his father in the last 16 years since I left him (violent alcoholic) when my son was two years old. 

I sacrificed an 'easy' life and money to save my son.  My son is now driving me mad as he is lazy and unmotivated.  He has been hanging out with losers and keeping me up at night worrying.  I have set house rules and so far he is obliging however I know there will be another disaster soon. 

I suffer from major depression and anxiety.  I am in my late fifties and my entire 'life' consists of running my son around and ensuring he has done what is the needful.  I am going to be totally honest here and state that I have sought help for over 40 years and nothing is forthcoming. I am feeling I am wasting my time here already but I am desperate.  Has anyone else had this situation?  Years and years of being palmed off, given medications...given so called advice that is useless?

All everyone asks is 'do you feel as if you might commit suicide'?!  No I don't.  But then you are back to square one.  I just feel so alone and I hate life.  I will not commit suicide!  But it would be so good to actually get help from these so called assistance phone lines/groups.  I fear it is all a sham. 

There is so much more but I am limited to space.  Thankyou

[ecomama]

Dear Poochlover, welcome to the forums. 

Well done for leaving an abusive marriage with your son.
As you said the ex was a violent alcoholic, so we're glad you're here to tell your story! Perhaps if you'd stayed, you'd have TWO of these people to deal with. Things could've been far worse. 

What kind of "help" do you need? 

Seeing a Psychologist for yourself, long term, could potentially help you far better. 
Helplines are really for crisis moments and can't provide the continuous support you need for your MH and personal growth. 

You probably won't LIKE what the Psych advises, most of us ARE uncomfortable with left field advice but from my experience, by being compliant with most advice I've been given, I've seen major changes in all aspects of my life. 

I agree that medication doesn't make real life issues simply go away. 
WE have to make changes and this can be very challenging! 

I've raised LOTS of kids alone, no help. My friends have had major issues with their kids and I can see why. 

So you feel your life's a mess?
What things need to CHANGE for you to have a better outlook? 

Also what consequences does your son know will DEFINITELY come, if doesn't comply with the Rules of the house? The issues with son seem to be all about boundaries and enabling behaviours. 

Love EM

[Poochlover]

Thankyou Em for your response.

I guess I just feel as though there is nothing to look forward to anymore.  I am middle aged, overweight, have lost motivation for anything other than the usual basics (housework etc).  I have no passion for anything, I feel trapped by my son.  He rules the house in his own way; not violent but he is so needy and annoying!  I have very few friends and I do not wish to burden them with my stuff.  They are very aware of it and give support but it is not enough to change anything. 

I wish my son would grow up and be mature and responsible.  I then could sleep at night and stop worrying and overthinking and indeed drinking too much myself to avoid the harsh reality of my life.  He is very manipulative and I am so tired and over it all I do tend to give in as it is a break at the time.  I do love him of course but he is so like his father and I feel I am just living the nightmare all over again. 

If it were just me I would be ok.  I have enough money to survive and indeed a lovely house.  I am trapped in this tornado of teenage male hormones and temper tantrums.  Again...nothing I threaten comes to fruition because at the end of the day he KNOWS I would never kick him out...where the heck would he go and that would just make things worse.  

I think I need to space myself from him.  I need to do what is good for me ( diet, exercise, stop the booze) and try to find some peace in that.  Perhaps then he will realise that doing the right thing is a good thing.  Do not get me wrong...I do the right thing always but not always to myself if that makes sense.  I run a tight ship  Lovely clean house; bills paid; lovely meals etc etc.   But I always do this for him and not me. 

I guess it is kind of a co-dependant relationship with him.  He plays the old violin to make me feel sorry then he stuffs up again.  It is 2pm here and he is still asleep!  He lives the life!  But he suffers from depression as he is overweight and sits around playing on the computer all the time...he does work a little bit but of course I drive him there and pick him up.  He also studies 'at uni' although it is all online.  I know he needs to get out and be with people but nothing I say resonates with him.

Sorry this is a bit convoluted.  I am so tired and over it all.  

[The Snu]

Hi Poochlover,

I am in a similar situation - overweight, bored with my life and kids still taking up what should be free time. Mine like to listen to everything I do and I cannot even phone people without my convo getting thrust back at me. It's really hard and there is literally no help but some random words from random strangers on the internet. Hopefully my words will be of assistance. 

1. You need to set an end date to this and communicate it with your son. Will son move out when uni is finished? Keep bringing it up and talking about it a lot. You might have to push him a little to get some independence. Or potentially a granny flat in the backyard or something where he is less intrusive in your life (if he must stay home). Maybe you could assist with his first sharehouse re: rent, until work happens for him? (set a deadline on this too). Does he know what his career will be or is he just floundering? I found once I helped my kids figure out careers and job titles, it was much more settled all round in our household.

It just sounds like you really need some space. As parents, we need to do our duty, but there's only so far we should take it before it becomes detrimental to us (especially when kids are older and of working age and push back too hard). You need to be firm and set deadlines and explain what options they have and let them panic and stress a bit. It certainly humbles them doing this exercise too, I found it helped with my kids to have some time limits spelled out (eg., when uni is over, you will need to move out or do X).

2. Being overweight and other vices such as drinking are not easily fixed but will be when you address your emotional needs in the fullness of time. There is something called Optislim at Chemist Warehouse I saw today (meal replacements for rapid weight loss) and of course, the CSIRO diet is well known for working. I recently quit drinking myself after working for about 5 years on my emotional needs (basically taking time out regularly to indulge myself, rest, explore and feel like a self again). I quit smoking 8 years ago using nicorette puffers and then patches for a loooooooooong period of time. It is a little like AA - do the change step by step, day by day and most importantly, identify how you can make small changes to make life feel a bit better. I'm sure you'll figure this one out!

[The Snu]

3. You need to get away from your life at home a little. Practice escapism. This might be in the form of books, movies or leaving the house to go somewhere. Libraries are really useful places. Join Meetups or Facebook groups and tinker with a few events. Write a bucket list of affordable activities and take on one a week etc. You'll know you've found the right spot when you find yourself socially interacting with members over a longer period of time. A good distraction can also be trying out new op shops, or volunteering at something super easy and fun, maybe try something brand new. I do loads of things and also started a business, which I enjoy (small business helps you feel less alone if you are destined to be single forever, as you are constantly interacting with people in a more relaxing way than a day job if you design it that way). You just need consistent refreshment in your life, even just little doses of it will help you to feel like you have a life. Potentially, you might want to reinvent or redesign your life a bit to catch up to who you want to be (after a long reflection when you have your own space).

4. In my own experience, none of the psychs, counsellors or meds helped me at all. I was better off making friends with people and asking their opinions of what they would do if they were me. People LOVE to be asked for their opinions. It is free. And they are really honest about trying to help or see what's up that you cannot see. The last psych I saw was very smart but it cost $800 to basically learn what a friend could have told me. Friends will save you. If you don't have any, you can find some by socialising on Meetups and Facebook groups. 

Lastly, if anyone refuses to get their own life and leave you in peace, you always have the option of moving out and renting house out for a little while (or pretending to). This would be an extreme backup plan but apparently it does work if kids are intractable.

All the best from another single parent!

[ecomama]

Dear Poochlover, I hear you. I really do. Hugs mama bear. You've given it ALL and have minus zero left for you. 
Thangs are about to CHANGE around here! 

BTW You are also allowed to CRY your eyes out, until they're all swollen and ugly if need be lol!
Having a good old cry can get those hormones going in a cleansing way. 

It took ONE post, just one from you and one from me before you hit the dang nail on the head! 
Pretty fast learner! .. without me doing anything much but reflect back to you what you said... 
here's the rub from your own mind >>>> "I  need to do what is good for me ( diet, exercise, stop the booze) and try to find some peace in that."

LOVE THIS! 

Notice I only included what focussed on YOU. Without conditions. No matter what. 
Because I agree 100% it's time to detach (my word lol) and begin to really draw boundaries around YOUR OWN life from this moment forward. 

MODELLING your own self-care is the greatest gift you can give to YOU, who IS the most important person in this equation because that's who we're focussing on here (yes really)... 

and the by product of your own self-care will carry through via osmosis to everyone around you. 

So WHAT are we going to do for you say.... tomorrow? Walk the pooch perhaps? 
Next week:
Would you like to join a Yoga class? 
Do some laps in the local swimming pool? 
Get a take away chai (lol) and sip it slowly in your car overlooking a beautiful beach or waterway or BUSHLAND? 

Actions will always speak louder than words. Let's get REAL momentum on this idea of YOU looking after YOU!
I'm excited! 

Talk soon, 
Love EM

[Poochlover]

Thankyou so much for your response.  I really am at breaking point.  He is so manipulative.  I agree that discussing his future plans is a good idea.  Although he is 18 he has the mentality of a 12 year old.  Blames everyone for everything.....whinges constantly...is lazy and I am thoroughly sick to death of him.  Unfortunately I can't say much more as he is hanging around!!!  But thankyou and I take your support very gratefully. xx

[Poochlover]

You are amazing thankyou.  Yes I do walk the darling pooch daily!  She is the love of my life and I sometimes wonder if my lazy son is actually a bit jealous?  Sweetest pooch is actually dying from cutaneous lymphoma.  I have only had her for six months ( I adopted her; she had not had much of a life and I love her to bits). I have taken on  a part time job to pay for her vet bills ( so far $6000).  Plus running the household, keeping everything clean, stocked up etc. I also agree that if I leave him to his own filth and neglect I can join the gym etc.  I KNOW that I need to reform my own life.  I despair of him I truly do and I also feel bad as I of course am the one who bought him up so apparently it is my fault 😞  For spending thousands of dollars on him trying to find him a hobby other than the computer etc etc.....I am now on disability and worry constantly about money.  He of course thinks I am his money tree regardless of the figures I show him.  Sorry this is not very coherent I worked today and of course came home to his whingeing and neediness so I have been drinking and smoking!  I am at the stage where I know my lifestyle will kill me but I don't really care.  My beloved dog will be dead within 6 months and I really feel I have nothing to live for. 

[ecomama]

Dear PL, thankyou. I support you with love. 

Starting with Pooch. My deepest condolences for her condition. 
The pure unconditional LOVE you give to her freely is beautiful to see! 
We will be here for you as you journey through this too. 

We will always be here for you. We have a gorgeous thread for ALL the animal lovers here on the forums. The pure LOVE everyone pours out for all of us going through this sad time with our pets is so gratefully received. 
We are there for the HAPPY times too! Here all the time. 
We aren't alone, we are a family. 
YOU are part of this family. 

Hey PL, now I'm one of your friends lol! I'm going to TALK with you as one of your friends. 
Please be kind to yourself. 
Please, when you find yourself beating yourself up about anything, count back from 5 like this 5,4,3,2,1 - quieten your mind. 
When you think "my son x,y,z..." PLEASE remember what you've done for him has all been from a source of LOVE for him.

It sounds like you're really struggling right now. 
Your posts sound like they're full of anguish and despair. 
You write about your son's behaviours with extreme frustration. 
It looks like the 2 most important beings in your life are either abandoning you or neglecting you. 

I believe that neither being is intentionally doing this. 

There's no need to speak in self deprecating terms. You've always done the best you knew how and for this we are all grateful! 

What is ONE thing you can do for yourself today? 

Love EM

[Poochlover]

I am so grateful for you. A total stranger who is so incredibly intuitive, caring and supportive.  Thankyou so much.  

Looking after my beloved dog takes up a lot of time.  Not regretful or resentful at all.  She truly is the love of my life.  Again, I work part time now to cover her costs so that too is a good escape.  People are so mean when they find out..they say things like "You are mad" or "she needs a bullet :("...they just don't get it.  Of course that kind of feedback makes me hate people!  So I am very glad to have you. 

I had arranged a family lunch today.  I went shopping and almost fainted.  I have felt so unwell for so long.  I cancelled the lunch.  That was probably the best thing I did for myself today.  I am extremely generous and caring yet others take advantage.  I have no idea why people are so selfish and hurtful.  

Had an enormous fight with son last night.  He told me I am an arsehole and an alcoholic 😞 this was after I had made him breakfast, worked for four hours, cleaned the house.  I was angry at him as he refused to take darling pooch for walk.  This is the kind of abuse I get from him.  I also had a go at him for not having motivation to get his license.  Everytime I offer to take him for a drive he refuses.  Last night he said to me "Maybe if you brought me a Nissan Skyline I would be interested in getting my license"..????!!!! WT??  Because he has a rich friend who's parents throw money at him he thinks it is a normal thing.  Needless to say I was absolutely devastated and I went to bed with darling pooch and did not have any further communication with him. 

This afternoon when he got up (he spends most of the night on the computer) there were no apologies.  Indeed he acted as if nothing had happened.  He is a baby and yet he is dangerous as he knows how to hurt me.  I just wish he would go away.  He hates his father and totally refuses to go there. I am stuck. 

Deep down inside I am working my way through all of this.  I do know I am  wonderful person.  I do so much for others; give people so much.  I am not doing that anymore.  All that matters right now is myself and my beloved hound.