So Alone

[Poochlover]

I am a single parent to an 18 year old son.  I have had zero support from his father in the last 16 years since I left him (violent alcoholic) when my son was two years old. 

I sacrificed an 'easy' life and money to save my son.  My son is now driving me mad as he is lazy and unmotivated.  He has been hanging out with losers and keeping me up at night worrying.  I have set house rules and so far he is obliging however I know there will be another disaster soon. 

I suffer from major depression and anxiety.  I am in my late fifties and my entire 'life' consists of running my son around and ensuring he has done what is the needful.  I am going to be totally honest here and state that I have sought help for over 40 years and nothing is forthcoming. I am feeling I am wasting my time here already but I am desperate.  Has anyone else had this situation?  Years and years of being palmed off, given medications...given so called advice that is useless?

All everyone asks is 'do you feel as if you might commit suicide'?!  No I don't.  But then you are back to square one.  I just feel so alone and I hate life.  I will not commit suicide!  But it would be so good to actually get help from these so called assistance phone lines/groups.  I fear it is all a sham. 

There is so much more but I am limited to space.  Thankyou

[ecomama]

Hey PL, I'm grateful for you too. It's GREAT you're here sharing your story for now. 

Re: precious pooch. We ignore those people. There are TONS of animal lovers here, we ALL get you and would do anything to help our furry or feathered babies JUST LIKE YOU. 

I know you're a wonderful person too lol. 
I know your powerful words are your way of getting it all OUT & painting a clearer picture. 

Thankyou for your honesty. You're VERY brave. 

You cancelled lunch! You practiced setting a boundary today, that's AWESOME!

I'm tossing ideas of how to express concepts in a comforting way lol... I'm only a NEW friend, so be kind lol!! 

Are you willing to try ONE thing re: son to start with?
Just one, remember you're brave because I see your courage, no hiding it now! 

Behaviour modification requires US to be consistent. 
I'm choosing one because practicing THIS one until you master it will be a huge achievement. Ok it could be 2 intertwined. 

Both you & SON know you'll never kick him out. 
The one behaviour that you can maintain is to avoid threatening him with this. 
You both know it's an empty threat, so this equals nothing but threats & vitriol added to the mix. 
Saying it is a waste of time. 

We can replace this with "seek first to understand THEN be understood". A Stephen Covey practice esp when opening up better communication with teens. 

Intertwined one that needs to change is name calling, yelling, abusive comments. 
Son WANTS your attention, so the minute he raises his voice OR calls you a name OR begins demanding / belittling etc. 
Turn tail, walk away. 
Leave the house if need be. 
This is the ONLY consequence he needs because this will shock him and withdraw what he's seeking from you >> attention. 

You could be iffy about the replacement behaviour. Later on invite him to spend time with you. Perhaps see a movie together. Walk Pooch together. Eating at a Restaurant together. 
Son may reject this... for a while. 

The relationship has broken down, he's not going anywhere, neither are you, reparations are needed.  

Love EM