Single parent/teacher suffering depression

[schoolteacher]

My story in a nutshell is that I suffer from depression and anxiety continuously and have done so for the last 20+ years. Am on a high dose of ADs and they keep it to a just manageable level. I also experience PMDD to add fun to the mix.

What I've found now that I'm on school holidays (I'm a junior primary teacher in a challenging suburb) is that my depression is kicking in big time. I don't have to put on that front of getting myself to school and teaching all day then being exhausted at the end of the day and falling asleep. Now I'm on holidays (6 weeks) I'm finding myself with zero motivation, very anxious, classic not being able to cry symptom as a side effect of ADs and having to parent through all of that with my child home 24/7.

It feels like all she wants, as a single child, is to be entertained. My guilt level is through the roof, feeling like I should be keeping her busy and having fun. The house is a shambles with housework piling up. If I had my choice I would be sleeping all day. I just sit on the computer and she sits watching tv. I want to be able to cry and vent but the AD's stop me from doing even that.

I'm falling in a hole and I don't have family support to help me out. Having to go to work was helping me keep it together but not it's not there so I'm failing.

Any suggestions? TIA.

[Guest_1055]

Hey schoolteacher

I'm sorry you feel like you are falling in a hole. Hug for you.

I am not too good at giving advice, but I will try. You see, I used to homeschool my son. So our routine in the day included the school work, but the days also were filled with fun and chores. I am not sure how old you girl is, or if you are emotionally up to this. But could you just roughly plan out your day for home, just have a routine at home. Since you said you house is in shambles, you could simply clean it with your daughter. Just make it fun, and give rewards. Well that is what I use to do.

Not sure if any of that is useful or not to you, but I thought I would mention it anyway.

With love Shelley xxx

[Kazzl]

Hi schoolteacher, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you've reached out for support here, it's a good place to be with a lot of folks who understand. 

It's unfair eh? Just when you should be able to relax and enjoy a break, the black dog pounces. I understand what it's like to hold it all together because you have to, then when you don't have to, the sadness and anxiety swamps you. Like it's been lurking in the background waiting for a chance ...

You mention you work in a difficult suburb, does that contribute to your struggles? And do you find this time of year harder, with all the merry Christmas stuff going on. If so, it's not uncommon.

I don't know what to suggest really, except hold on, be kind to yourself, give yourself time to experience the sadness and it will pass. Don't feel pressured into all the Christmas business.

Maybe your daughter wants your company moreso than entertainment? Perhaps try to find some simple things to do together - watch a movie, make a cake? 

I know what it's like when the house gets on top of you. For me, when I'm down and the house is a tip, all I can see is work that needs doing, yet I can't do it. I'm trying to learn to let it be, it will get done when I can face it. There are more important things.

Just a thought, being a public servant, do you have access to a workplace counselling service? If so, it might be worth a call. Or use the services here. Sometimes just getting it out, actually speaking about it in a safe place, can help. 

And it's a safe place on this forum too mate. Stay in touch, you're amongst friends.

Best wishes, Kaz

[White_Rose]

Dear Tia

Hello. So pleased you are posting here. I agree with Kaz, when the pressure is off the Black Dog will pounce. The answer I feel is not to immediately make yourself busy as you will eventually fall apart from exhaustion. As Kaz has also suggested, why not try your EAS people. While you are on holiday would be a good time to start.

Caring for your child while you feel so dreadful is a hard call. Does she have any school friends she can visit? My grandchildren are often at someone else's home at weekends or holidays. You could invite her friends to your home as they will amuse each other.

How old is your daughter? Perhaps she can learn to do a few chores round the house. My daughter gets her children to clean up their rooms on the first day of every holiday. Not just a quick tidy but a thorough clean. They have been doing this since they were about 6-7, although she helped more when they were younger. Of course they moaned and groaned but it teaches them a lot. And the bonus is they can do it on their own eventually which saves you the effort.

Other small jobs are clearing and setting the table, picking up toys and putting them away, putting their dirty clothes in the linen basket. I know you are tired but you may find it good to take your daughter out occasionally to places like a museum, especially if there are new exhibits. The effort you make can help you not to stay trapped in your depression.

Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy even if you no longer do them? Can you teach these to your daughter. My grandchildren usually stay with me for a couple of days each Christmas, though not this year as I have been unwell, and we do crafty things, talk and sing. It lifts my spirits and brings us closer.

Being swamped with suggestions can make you feel uncomfortable. My point is that a small effort on occasions can bring all sorts of benefits. I hope I have not disheartened you or made you feel even more guilty. That's not not the intention.

Please continue to write in here. We are all broken and need support from each other.

Mary