I need to function

[Jbobo]

Hi there

I'm new to this forum and honestly thought I had managed to keep everything under wraps pretty well for so long >10years. I have had quite a few major life events happen in quick succession and now my depression an anxiety feels likes its out of control. I can't function and I have missed days at work. Even the days I have managed to make it I do not feel like I'm really there. My boss is aware of my recent loss of my grandmother who raised me but not of a lot of other personal things that have happened, that combined have triggered overwhelming bouts of anxiety and depression. I work in corporate in a sought after role that I was really excited about getting. Now I just feel hopeless, I'm scared I'm going to lose my job and not be able to support my son. I have no fall back. To add to all this my sons biological father has just been released from prison literally a week ago and has decided he wants to be a part of his life and is moving around the corner from us. This is a man who has previously been charged with stalking me amongst other things and went to prison for some pretty messed up things. We were together when we were teenagers and I am a completely different person than him. I thought I was over all the bad things that have happened but when he turned up at my door all the fear and terror just came flooding back. I made an appointment for grief counseling and I have been once, my next appointment is not till mid January due to this time of year. I need to function now and I just feel like an empty shell incapable of doing anything. I don't know what to tell my boss as I feel like I'm seriously underperforming to my usual standard. I have only just recently been promoted to this role. The psychologist said I need to start taking care of myself first, I know this sounds ridiculous but I don't know how on earth to do that with my current commitments to my son and my job. I am not coping. I need to function now

[White_Rose]

Dear Jbobo

Welcome. Glad you found your way here. I am so sorry that you are in this situation and I hope we can help you. Your psychologist is right about the need to take care of yourself first. If you don't it will be like trying to play football with a broken leg. It is almost Christmas. How much time are you having off? I know you have not been in your job long, but can you take off a few weeks extra?

Did you have any legal aid when your your ex was stalking you etc? I ask because I think it would be a good idea to consult someone about him living so near you. I don't know much about the legal issues in this instance, but if you are afraid and distressed maybe you can make him move away. Just a thought. Clearly this is an untenable situation. I think one of the people who writes in here is an ex-police officer and maybe he can advise you. But get some advice on this situation. I take it you have full custody of your son.

Have you talked to your doctor about your anxiety etc? It would be worthwhile to book a long appointment and tell him/her what is happening in your life. Although if you are already seeing a psychologist you have probably spoken to your GP. Have you been prescribed any antidepressants? These can be a great help but do not 'kick in' for a few weeks.

Another possibility is for you to go away for a couple of weeks. Do you have any family or friends who can offer you a home until you need to go back to work. If you do go away I suggest you let your local police know this so they can keep an eye on your premises, especially if you tell them about your concerns with your ex. Going away for a short time will help you to relax. This is part of caring for yourself.

Make sure you eat well and get some exercise. These are basic steps in keeping well but very important. A reasonable diet and a walk everyday will help you regain your life.

I am not going to give you a list of does and don'ts because this will only overwhelm you. Please go somewhere that makes you feel safe and spend heaps of time with your son. Check out the legal aspect of you ex living so close. If you feel comfortable about it you may want to talk to your boss about your problems. This is a tricky situation because of the possible repercussions. It's not easy to tell if it will lead to discrimination or not, so be very sure before you confide.

I hope you will continue to write in.

Mary

[Chicken_Wings]

Hi Jbobo,

Firstly welcome to the forum. Secondly I'm so sorry about your recent losses. 
Similarly to you I have been pretty much in charge of my anxiety & depression for a really long time until recently. I also work in a pretty sort after job in a good industry.

You mentioned your boss knows about your loss, do they know about your depression & anxiety too?
If they don't, do you think it would be helpful to have a conversation about it?
I was terrified to tell my boss, but when I did I found an incredible support and since then my work has been one of the things that keeps me going. Even paying for some psychology sessions.
If you think they will be receptive, it might be worth considering a discussion. Obviously you'll be the best judge as to how they will respond & you don't have to tell them if you think they might not respond well.

When I was in my worst state, looking after myself was the hardest thing. I dont think I brushed my hair for 3 weeks & hardly showered. I lived on the couch and eating was pretty much non-existent. I was missing days from work & when I was there I was pretty much in a useless daze. I felt guilty for not performing at my best.

But these are the things you must push yourself to do. Looking after yourself doesn't have to mean big things, its the small every day things. The things that seem mundane and pointless but are key to keeping you feeling like a human being.
When I started doing these things it felt like I was lifting the weight of the world. Even now its still an effort on my bad days, but its getting easier. So I would suggest starting there. Start by setting yourself a morning routine that includes some self care. I'm still not wearing make-up most days, but at least I've washed my hair!
Take some time out after work, maybe you can go for a walk with your son?

If you're anything like me you can feel overwhelmed by the amount of things you need to do in a day & constantly feel like you're forgetting something. Writing lists has been helpful. Lists for what I need to get done throughout the day. Each time you tick something off you feel a sense of achievement, even if its just something small.

I can't really advise you about the situation with your ex other than to say Mary gave some great advice above. 
Although this time of year can be stressful & you don't want to feel bad now, in a way its the best time to be feeling less than 100% because you have the time of to look after yourself.