Silence

[Notgoodwithnames]

I’m alone. In every way.
For the last 15 weeks what was keeping me going was the little boy growing inside of me. Two days ago his heart stopped beating,

I can’t do life without him. I can’t birth him or see him. I’ll never know him. I want to be with him. I’m going to be with him soon. I don’t know if people will think I’m being selfish or something but I’m not. I’ve struggled with myself for 12 years. This was going to be my saving grace, my little Isaac. I’m alone. I have been since I found out his heart stopped. I told his dad and I got told it was my fault and I deserved it. I’m not living in this world. Maybe I’ll go to heaven, I don’t know I can’t think right now. I just want to not be here. I don’t want help, nothing can help me, I know me. This will never go away which is why my decision is easy.

Whats stopped me in the past was I was scared of making someone else feel the way I felt. I have no one in my life anymore so I don’t have to worry about that.

when I say I have no one I mean no one.
I’m alone and I’ll die alone.

I’m silenced and forever will be.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Notgoodwithnames,

We are so sorry to hear about your loss and what you're going through. It sounds very difficult and overwhelming. Please remember you are not alone - there is always help available. It takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts, we would recommend that you contact a crisis service:

•             Lifeline – 13 11 14
•             Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467
 
 We have sent you a private email offering some further support.
 

[geoff]

Hello Notgoodwithnames, can we please offer you a warm welcome and can feel the pain you are going through and so very sorry that you have to try and cope with this.

I realise that you do feel alone, but this doesn't make you different from other people, although the circumstances are such a tragedy that anyone else who has experienced the same will know.

You have my full compassion even though I've not had to experience his myself but I know my brother and BIL have had to go through themselves, but never had the opportunity to discuss this with them, only because I was young and inexperienced.

From what the father has said and done to you is inexcusable and without any concern or respect for what you have to struggle with and would only exemplify the loneliness you feel.

We can only thank you for posting your comment and really want you to accept us as being a friend and would really hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So many of us here have been in a similar place. We are still here.

Offering you our hand of hope- chat away when you feel like it

TonyWK

[White_Rose]

Dear Notgoodwithnames

You poor darling. What a horrible thing to happen. I have some idea of your pain as my daughter lost her first baby. It was dreadful for the whole family and I am so sorry it has happened to you. The father had no right to make such a hurtful comment and I can only suppose it was because of his disappointment or because he is an uncaring person.

I am concerned about you and how you feel. Absolutely lost and alone. We are here to offer what comfort we can. I am so pleased you posted here. I do urge you to use the help Sophie has provided in her email.

I know you need to give birth to baby Isaac but you will be able to hold him for a while. My daughter and husband were able to do that and when I arrived at the hospital I also cuddled him. That was 11 years ago and I still feel sad about it. You will never forget your precious baby but you will get well enough to live with the loss. I promise you that.

At the moment you need as much help as you can get. Please contact one of the help lines Sophie has provided. Talking to someone can help enormously and you will be able to get back to them as often as you need. We are here to help so post in as often as you can. All these things will help you bear this great loss.

Mary