Sick and tired

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi all, been a while... Thought I was doing well then became sick and it's like it's undone all my hard work on my mental health. Currently seeing doctors/specialists to figure out what's wrong but the not knowing is making me anxious and depressed (along with not feeling well).

 So anyway, yesterday when I was feeling particularly ill, my husband was "bored" so decided to go out for a while. When he eventually got home, he was acting strange and I was feeling sick and emotional and basically had a meltdown - could not stop crying. He was very unsympathetic and trying to pick fights with me about other things. Later I asked him if he'd been drinking and he said no.

 Well I'm not an idiot, and suspected he'd been drinking when out earlier that day. So I looked through his phone and let's just say it became apparent he had spent a couple of hours at the pub. I'm so angry he lied to me,decided  to go out when I was sick, then shows me no support or sympathy when I had my meltdown. I don't know whether to confront him about it now or after Christmas (bearing in mind we will be travelling in a few days and spending 6 hours in the car together). 

Thoughts please. 

[Neil_1]

Dear lookingforpeace

I’m sorry to hear of your current health issues and due to that, your anxiety and depression is having a bad effect also.

I’m really unsure for how to advise you with this: in one respect, he has apparently gone out and been to the pub for a few hours while you were very unwell and then denied it when you asked him about it.

On the other hand, you were able to find evidence of where he went – so really from an outsiders point of view it seems there’s evidence of some need of support on both sides.

How has your husband been over the last little while?  Has he been there and supportive of you while you’ve been unwell?   Or was this latest thing, kind of ‘unusual’?

Speaking personally here, I have times where a quick sojourn down to the local club makes me feel better, to be able to cope with things.  I tell my partner I’m going, when I’ll be home and I leave my bank cards behind – so just take some cash with me.

I guess the other thing to mention here, which you’d already have been thinking about anyway is:   do you really consider or think that you’ll be ok to handle a 6 hour drive in your current state of health?

I hope I haven’t overstepped my boundaries here – and would really like to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Lookingforpeace]

Hi Neil

Thanks for  your reply and you are not overstepping any boundaries. That's what I love about coming on here - being able to put everything on the table and getting straightforward and honest replies.

I am not proud of snooping through his phone to look for 'evidence', however was so certain that he had been to the pub and lied to me about it so needed validation. In terms of whether the behaviour was unusual - let's just say I wasn't surprised when it was confirmed that's where he had been.

It's not so much going to the pub that upsets me. I would be fine with it if he went in similar circumstances to yours - let me know where he was going and was responsible about how much he was going to spend there. It's the lying about it/hiding it that concerns me as it makes me think he has an alcohol problem.

He has had a tough year (hence the drinking) and I have been so patient and supportive of him. Not to get the same in return makes me wonder why I married him in the first place. Marriage is meant to be a two-way street and about give and take, not only take. He has taken a lot from me this year. But the one instance I have a breakdown and need his support - he wasn't there.

I just feel like the trust has been completely broken.

[geoff]

dear Lookingforpeace, I am worried just as Neil is about this 6 hour drive, as you say you became sick, so I presume that it's a relapse, maybe I'm right or maybe it was a bug, but I think it may have been the former, however having depression and anxiety will tend to make you feel ill.

So your husband was 'bored' or it could have been tired of this depression, because he has a feeling of fear for this 6 hour trip with you that is going to happen within a few days, and he decides to go the pub and have a few drinks with his mates or fellow people who he can connect with, in his drunken state.

Sorry if I'm being too objective here, but I have been a publican at two pubs and I know what is said amongst these guys.

By confronting him either now or after Xmas I think that this may have happened before, and if this is correct then only an argument would occur, but if it hasn't and it's one timer then you can ask him questions. L Geoff. x

[Lookingforpeace]

Hey guys

 Posted a reply several hours ago but it hasn't shown up for some reason.

 Firstly - neither of you are overstepping the mark, thats why i come on to this forum.

 To clarify, he was drinking alone and not with 'mates'. It's the fact he hid it and lied about it that concerns me as it makes me believe he has an alcohol problem.

I'm just so disappointed that when i needed him most he wasn't there for me. I feel like the trust is broken. If i can't rely on him when i have a meltdown (and mind you, this is the first one I've had so it was incredibly scarey) then who can i rely on?

[Neil_1]

Hi there LFP (see what I did there?   Shortened your user name to an abbreviation – clever huh?  -  wow Neil, small things amuse small minds)

So it sounds like there may be an issue with his drinking, along with your illness as well?  You mentioned he’s had a tough year also and no doubt he’s into the drink for a kind of self-medicating approach?   For me, I sure love a drink as well – but I have the lure of the pokies, which is why I don’t take any cards with me – just an amount of cash and then that’s that.  But this isn’t about me.

How do you think he’d react if you and he were to have a bit of a sit-down and chat?   All friendly like, but just to ask if everything is ok?   And to give him a little info about how unwell you really are – and to talk about Christmas and beyond – ie:  the big drive that you’ve got coming up.  Just try to get a few things out on the table – all in a friendly, open way.

Just a thought.

Neil

[Asche]

"Marriage is meant to be a two-way street and about give and take, not only take. He has taken a lot from me this year. But the one instance I have a breakdown and need his support - he wasn't there.I just feel like the trust has been completely broken."

You make a good point about marriage being a two-way street. That being said, it sounds like your husband's been going through some tough straits on his own, and hasn't really emerged, even with your support. And while it's fair to expect support in return, I think it's important to understand that your husband might not be in a position where he's aware enough, or even able to provide it. From personal experience, it's all too easy to get a tad lost inside of yourself you're having a hard time. It hurts to say it, but his neglect of your needs might be entirely accidental. Or perhaps, as someone who was having trouble himself, he didn't feel qualified to help.

Does it suck that he's not here for you in your time of need? Definitely. And you're perfectly justified to feel hurt or neglected by that, even betrayed. I certainly did when my parents dropped the ball during the years I was bullied, spending every day depressed and suicidal. As your husband, he's your first port of call when you need help and he should be there for you when you need him.

But, life is a great, big, muddled, confusing mess at the best of times, and ultimately I don't think that it's entirely fair to hold that against him. Even if it were, I don't think it would be helpful to do so. Sometimes our periods of need don't quite alternate properly and fall out of sync, resulting in both parties needing a bit of "take" when neither feels in the position of giving. That's just life. 

You might be married, and you may be responsible for each other to an extent, but you're still individuals. You might share it now, but you're still responsible for looking after yourselves, and you each have your own support networks. He might be your first port of call, but I don't think he ought to be your last, either. You still have your friends and family to fall back on, and I would recommend that, if it's not forthcoming from your husband. I definitely agree with others about having a talk and airing it all out, because as I mentioned, he might not even be aware of your needs at the moment.