I’ve been suffering from clinical depression for a while now, but only recently diagnosed. The mental health nurse I had been seeing since I was 15 for things like anxiety and anger. I miss those days — At least I actually felt something. In the last few months my mental health nurse had packed up and moved. I had only just started learning how to manage my depression with the aid of my MH nurss and was prescribed medication.
I live in a rural area and allied health was a luxury which has now been taken away with nothing to compensate. I’ve been left alone to deal with this empty pit in my stomach that I was not ready to deal with alone again.
I’ve explored other avenues, I kept at my medication until it ran out, but I felt no different on or off it. I refuse to go see my GP without allied health but find it impossible for me to unload 5 years worth of therapy on to someone new. I’ve tried getting high, which just left me feeling the same. To make a long story short, the only thing that has worked for me is sex. Or anything sexual.
It’s only a brief feeling but when I have sex I actually feel something. Even if it’s regret, anger, sadness, happiness, whichever... It’s something. I’ve only recently lost my virginity September last year but find myself thinking about it all the time; wanting it all the time. For the record I don’t sleep with anyone willy nilly. I like to pick and choose who it’s with, I like the romance. Nothing more. I don’t care for the men I’m with and none of them care for me I hope.
I feel like I’ve sunken myself into a pattern that I don’t particularly care for but I’m not in a rush to get out of. I’m still lonely and I still feel numb every other hour of the day. I don’t really know if I’m asking for advice or looking for affirmation or whatever, I think I’m just speaking out loud.
