Self esteem

[team_nobody]

I don't feel like there is anything special about me to give.
I just don't know what to do anymore, nothing is working and I am driving people away with this even though there has been a recent surge of suicide rates in my area, and I take openly about my problems. sometimes I feel like even though I am not dead; im just another living dead casualty. Nobody cares unless your offering them something and they can only fain for so long before they just want me to get lost or find a replacement. Woman are the worst, whatever I conjure that makes me feel better they take away, steal it copy it from boyfriends put me down they copy everything from my style to jokes, even though they put them down. Everyone is always trying to change me while telling me how special awesome I am, its all LIES.
im so sick of the same kind of vultures in my life. I feel worthless, unsexy, replaceable. Nobody ever acknowledges me and some people completely forget me. I have a trail of bad exe's who will follow me to the grave trying to use me again, they're the only constant in my life.
The point is happiness and self worth are novelties, they never last. The heights I reach often determine the lows I will inevitably experience there after but I can't just stay in the middle it makes me exhausted and scared to bother trying anymore. The moment I feel slightly better someone comes along and takes it off me, I never get to be in the moment long. I have tried to feel better so many ways. Even the other week. got my hair done and it just looks horrible, my boyfriend didn't even notice but I kind of needed him to. Lately I feel like he wants me to be something im not criticising the way I dress and telling me I should sex myself up. its not me, I don't feel sexy at all.
I have looked at myself, listened to myself and the only reply I get in my head is confirming, im a nothing and my life is a waste.
I have a relationship but it seems to be revolving around sex and again I am worried about being replaceable, im just a novelty to men and woman just abuse me for power. I just want to be at home, a child again not knowing any of this s. I just wish I didn't care like everyone else.

[baet123]

Hi TN,

I am so sorry you feel the way you do at the moment. I appreciate your post and can relate to what your experiencing at the moment. I was stuck at a crossroads for many years.

Although you may feel worthless, I can assure you that you are not. Everybody is unique and has so much too offer. Your writing is extremely descriptive and complex. You seem extremely talented and intellectual.

We all go through ups and down's in life and all of us who have been through mental health struggles can relate to each other so you are not alone. You seem very genuine, honest, loving, kind and an extremely caring person.

I felt exactly how you felt but it did get better for me and I think it will for you also.

I urge you to call Lifeline 131411 or BeyondBlue 1300 22 46 36. They would love to hear from you and stay on the phone as long as you want.

Please stay strong and it will get better!

All the best.

Baet123

[therising]

Hi tn

If only the 'transference issues' many people have were a little more obvious, the subtleties wouldn't leave us doubting ourselves so much. When a lot of people are expecting us to change for them (for whatever reasons going on in their head), we can be left thinking 'What's wrong with me?!' Much of the time the honest answer is 'Nothing of great significance'. By the way, the self-criticism gets much louder in a person's head when depression plays a part in amplifying it.

When it comes to the 'looking sexy' part, people will typically suggest changes for one of two reasons: 1) They may think they're being helpful in trying to encourage us in some way to feel good about our self or 2) They're just plain shallow and can't see, at a deeper level, what 'attractive' really is (maturity definitely plays a part in perception). If it helps to know, attraction is a chemical reaction, something that happens in our brain therefor image/appearance is nothing other than a stimulant for those chemicals. All sounds rather clinical but that's nature to a degree, hey. Sounds a little harsh but maybe instead of being offended by the suggestions of shallow people (regarding the sexy aspect), you could see them as having a brain that can't process attraction at a deeper level. Personally, if I see some guy who society regards as 'stunning' acting like a total scumbag, I instantly see him as seriously unattractive. People think I'm a little weird in this way, how I just don't see the attraction at all.

Relationships definitely tend to prosper more when people wish to mutually evolve beyond where they're currently at. Taking the relationship out of the bedroom a little more and into the world for a sense of adventure means adding ventures to your life (such as with dinners, holidays etc or whatever works for you). Adventures definitely encourage personal and relationship growth.

With no one wanting to listen, I get it, I really do. Until you find someone who experiences and/or understands depression, often you'll get a lot of those unhelpful comments like 'Why can't you just smile for once?' or 'What's wrong with you this time?' Of course, having someone say 'Don't worry, you'll be right' is like trying to put out a fire with a thimble full of water - it aint no management plan. Finding people who understand depression, whether they be here or through professional services means finding a light source in a place that currently seems so dark.

Take care of yourself tn