Scared and Confused

[Aqua-blue]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I don't really know where to start. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was pregnant with my first child, 10 years ago. I believe however I have always had depression. I don't think it was particularly a natal thing. That just happened to be when it was diagnosed.

Over the years it seems to have become progressively worse. I have been on numerous medications but they only seem to be effective for a short time and then I need to go onto something else. I am frightened it is just a vicious downhill spiral. I have a loving family but I am afraid I am pushing them away. We have moved several times, trying different places to try to help me. This doesn't work, I can't escape my own head.

I am self employed in a competitive, cut-throat industry and disappointments really knock me about these days. I have put a lot of my heart and soul into my work for 20 years but I am really suffering from burn-out now and I seem to have nothing to show for it. I don't have a saleable business and I have no super. I worry that I will become homeless and that my family will leave me. That might be an exaggeration and a figment of my own mental cloudiness but it feels like a very real scenario of where my future is headed.

Over the last 15 years my husband has been made redundant twice. He has found it particularly difficult both times to find employment again. Age is not on his side and he feels it. He is very supportive but doesn't know what to do for me. My kids are also very supportive but they are young and I feel this is not a good thing, or a fair thing for them to endure.

I hate the regime of testing a new drug and the associated therapy. It seems to work for a little while but has never had any long-term benefits. Each time I am back on the downward spiral, it's harder to come back. I feel like a petrie dish. I would love to be drug free and to just be able to manage this awful debilitating thing that is sucking the life out of me.

[Demi1]

Hi Aqua-blue, thank you so much for posting. I'm Demi, it is lovely to meet you. I am quite young, and although you may perceive my opinion as being 'irrelevant' considering my age, I have experienced a lifetimes worth of events relating to mental illness (involving both myself and my family.)

I also have moved a lot (not for a fresh start, but because of business opportunities) and do agree that moving does not really help take your mind off the experience. My Psychologist calls it a 'Geographical Solution,' when someone wishes to move to escape their problems.

I think as well as medication, counselling is definitely an extraordinary asset available to us and as much as it helps that you have a supportive family (which I am overjoyed to hear by the way) sometimes you need an outsiders perspective.

As for your husband's future business prospects, I unfortunately have no advice for, I'm sorry. But, as for wanting to be 'drug-free' as you have said, that will come with time. If a Dr has placed you on medication, they always have logic and reason to support their suggestion. I have been on anti-depressants myself, and only recently made the decision to stop taking my meds. I told my family, and my Psychologist/GP and they were all supportive/proud of this decision; but, unfortunately, like anything good, it takes time to come to that state of mind. Although I am completely confident that you, and anyone, can reach that state of mind, with time, patience, and the support we here at bb voices have for you.

I hope you find comfort in this forum and update us regularly on how you are going.

Demi x

[Cornstarch]

I don't think this forum is the appropriate place for medication advice. Emotional support, yes, but unfortunately you have to put your health in the hands of trained professionals. The poor old doctors and nurses are damned if they do and damned if they don't. We can't in one breath say we are disgusted with the suicide rate in Australia and then in the next breath berate them for trying to prevent it.

Sometimes they make you do things you don't want to do and actually make your symptoms worse. As soon as I disclosed that my father took his own to a public hospital last weekend, presenting with severe PTSD flashbacks, the nurse hit a big red button in their nursing station I was scooped up into a side room. You've gotta let them do their job.

The best thing to do would tell your Dr precisely that. 'I am scared'.

Unfortunately we are all such unique biological little nuggets you will probably feel like a chemistry lab for a while, and if you have other physical health problems you may be forced to make major life changes to accommodate for the lack of chemical support. It sucks cutting yourself off at the knees.

If your anxiety is super high about trying new drugs but you want to be in the comfort of your own home, and your partner/family have to work during the day, can they afford to pay for a companion carer/nurse to hang with you to relive yourself and them from chronic worry?

Depending on where you live the choice of agency's may not be good.