Sad and don't know what to do

[Ellie05]

Hello,

I'm not sure what I'm doing here again. I guess I thought that typing out my thoughts would stop them swirling around in my head, snowballing and becoming more dangerous.

You see my dog had to be put down yesterday morning. I'd spent the whole night prior awake with him, watching him be confused, disorientated and struggle to breathe. It's a horrible memory that will always haunt me. I suffer depression but I mostly manage to ignore my problems through use of antidepressants, watching TV and entertaining myself in my head by daydreaming about a better life and pretending I'm living it.

I am single and have always been due to the acute distress that anxiety brings on whenever someone was to tell me their interested in a romantic sense. At my age (31) a lot of people are coupled up so it makes me feel very lonely and sometimes I am terrified of spending my life alone, with no one to hold me when things go wrong.

I feel ugly, growing up the world tends to send the message to young girls that their appearance is the most aspect of them (fairy tales, TV shows, movies and magazines) and being a sensitive person I grew to believe this too strongly.

I'm not working. I get acute anxiety and when that's at play I be extremely lethargic and depressed. I quit my job over a year ago, went overseas for a holiday and then stayed with my parents when I got back. Ever since I just haven't been able to bring myself to apply for another.

My brain is broken. Over the past couple of years I've been experiencing bouts of what I term 'acute distress'. It can be triggered by things I never thought would affect me all that much and it's really intense. Whilst in this phase I can't eat or sleep or even sit still. During the day I can find things to distract myself with (mostly) but nights are spent pacing around the house, whilst feeling progressively worse and worse. These bouts can be really unpredictable and I live in fear of it happening again, especially given I just lost my dog.

I can't cope with the fact that we all get old and die. The thought of losing loved ones just make sick and I worry about it a lot even though they aren't sick.

Despite the above I have a lot of positive things in my life. Loving family, good friends and I still have savings from years of working so am not about to face financial destitution. I just can't seem to be able to appreciate the positives in my life and just get sucked into that black void of depression.

[Ellie05]

Thank you Aprilsnow, I'm sorry to hear about your furry friend. Do you have another in your life now?

[blondguy]

Hi Ellie

Thankyou for taking the time and posting back to everyone 🙂

Your relationship with your parents is something to be proud of and good on you. Its so good to read a nice post about a person that is proud to have what you do

I understand you are hurting after your loss Ellie. I hope you have some peace on your weekend

Thankyou again for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family too

My Kindest

Paul

[Ellie05]

Thanks Paul,

I'm really struggling at the moment. I've had a lot of episodes of acute anxiety/depression over the past 2 years and this has triggered another. I'll never stop being grateful for my parents though, they do so much for me and so does my sister.

I'm sorry to hear that you have lost 4 legged loved ones too.

[Aprilsnow]

Hi Ellie05 - no I dont have another fur baby, I cant replace him. I also live in a complex and the body corp wont allow doggies, but I also work full time so feel it is best I dont have one now anyway. xx

[Doolhof]

Dear Ellie,

I think it is wonderful you are able to stay with your parents and to read they are supportive of you is excellent. That is something I have not experienced from my parents, so if you are welcome why would you not stay there?

A thought just popped into my mind regarding dogs, do any of your parent's friends have dogs? Would it be possible for you to offer to walk a friend's dog? There may be elderly people close by who can not take their dogs for a decent walk and may appreciate a dog walker.

I do realise another dog will not replace your precious pet, it may just help to ease the sense of grief and loss a little. Have you spoken with your parents about the possibility of another dog? Quite often you can adopt older dogs that have been given up by people who can no longer care for them.

Are you receiving any professional help at present Ellie with your depression and anxiety issues? Have people offered you ideas and strategies on how to help yourself when life gets tough? I know it is not always easy to put these strategies in place once you have reached a negative state!

Distraction certainly helps me, even if it is reading a book or doing a Sudoku puzzle.

Maybe we can toss around a few ideas and suggestions and you can let us know what has helped you in the past.

Cheers fro now from Dools.

P.S. It is lovely chatting with you as well Ellie! Same as with so many people here on the forum. It is like we form a wonderful caring community of friends here!

[Ellie05]

Hi Dools,

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Wednesday next week. My sister has a dog so I have been playing with him and it helps a little. I have to return to my parents house tomorrow though so that will be hard. My dog's last night was really awful. He lay on my bed struggling to breath for hours so I'm not sure how I'll sleep on that bed now. It's also a little more isolated out there so that is a little bit of a worry and interacting with people is the best distraction I can get.

I'm scaring myself with my thoughts lately. I get really devastated by the fact that I can't date, I really want to know what it's like to love someone and have them there for support when things go wrong. I'm actually considering a stay in hospital which is scary. That would be admitting that I have a serious illness and the gossip will spread. I'm also worried that being in that environment would make things worse rather than better.

[Ellie05]

Hi again all,

I'm back home. It's quite hard. I can't see my depression and anxiety lifting. I know this is just the depression and anxiety clouding my thinking but I thought I'd reach out as I didn't really know what else to do. I feel so pathetic in that I'm 31 and I can't even go on date. I also struggle to understand how I can be so lucky in life and feel so devastated. I have caring parents and a sister who would always look out for me. I don't know. I'd do anything for this mental illness to go away.

[Ellie05]

I'm sorry to post again but I am spiralling a little. I just don't see a way out of this. Will the rest of my life just be me wishing the pain would end? and if not, how long until I have another breakdown? I think the best solution would be for me to get job hunting but that is very scary as it could backfire and leave me even worse. I usually have a couple of wines in the evening to help calm myself down but last night it just made me feel worse. I'm worried I'm going some place darker.

[Birdy77]

Hi Ellie,

I'm sorry you're feeling so low and like you're spiralling down.

How is it being back at your parents house? Does it feel good to have their support again? It must be sad there without your furry friend , again I'm so sorry 😔.

It might be a good idea to start job hunting, if it doesn't work out, what about voluntary work?

Do you think it might help to talk to a gentle person on the phone? How do you feel about calling the bb helpline? They might be able to help you with gentle one-on-one? 1300 22 46 36

Don't apologise for posting here again, you can do that whenever you like.

What do you think of my suggestion?

🌻birdy

[Ellie05]

Hi Birdy,

Thanks for your reply. It does feel good to have their support again. It was really hard coming home to this place without my dog but it needed to be done. I have come to accept he is gone now.

I'm a little bit hesitant to call the helpline as I called once before and it wasn't too helpful but I will keep it in mind. I am seeing my GP later today and then a psychiatrist on Wednesday. I am grateful for having this support however I'm conscious of the fact that I need to talk about my feelings to people constantly. It makes me feel better for about 5 minutes then those nasty horrible thoughts just come rushing back and swirl around in my head. I definitely need to apply for jobs. It will boost my self esteem but at the same time it has the potential to be disastrous. I've had some pretty terrible bouts of anxiety/depression in the past due to jobs not working out so it scares me. It would also mean I'd have to relocate so be away from my support system.

Thank you for replying to my post. Gosh it really helps to be able to get things of my chest. How are you going at the moment?