Sad and don't know what to do

[Ellie05]

Hello,

I'm not sure what I'm doing here again. I guess I thought that typing out my thoughts would stop them swirling around in my head, snowballing and becoming more dangerous.

You see my dog had to be put down yesterday morning. I'd spent the whole night prior awake with him, watching him be confused, disorientated and struggle to breathe. It's a horrible memory that will always haunt me. I suffer depression but I mostly manage to ignore my problems through use of antidepressants, watching TV and entertaining myself in my head by daydreaming about a better life and pretending I'm living it.

I am single and have always been due to the acute distress that anxiety brings on whenever someone was to tell me their interested in a romantic sense. At my age (31) a lot of people are coupled up so it makes me feel very lonely and sometimes I am terrified of spending my life alone, with no one to hold me when things go wrong.

I feel ugly, growing up the world tends to send the message to young girls that their appearance is the most aspect of them (fairy tales, TV shows, movies and magazines) and being a sensitive person I grew to believe this too strongly.

I'm not working. I get acute anxiety and when that's at play I be extremely lethargic and depressed. I quit my job over a year ago, went overseas for a holiday and then stayed with my parents when I got back. Ever since I just haven't been able to bring myself to apply for another.

My brain is broken. Over the past couple of years I've been experiencing bouts of what I term 'acute distress'. It can be triggered by things I never thought would affect me all that much and it's really intense. Whilst in this phase I can't eat or sleep or even sit still. During the day I can find things to distract myself with (mostly) but nights are spent pacing around the house, whilst feeling progressively worse and worse. These bouts can be really unpredictable and I live in fear of it happening again, especially given I just lost my dog.

I can't cope with the fact that we all get old and die. The thought of losing loved ones just make sick and I worry about it a lot even though they aren't sick.

Despite the above I have a lot of positive things in my life. Loving family, good friends and I still have savings from years of working so am not about to face financial destitution. I just can't seem to be able to appreciate the positives in my life and just get sucked into that black void of depression.

[Ellie05]

Thanks Birdy,

I've given dates a go before. It always results in terror and it get into the state I'm in now. I don't know what to do, it seems like an impossible situation.

I am grateful for friends and family but not having a partner makes things hard. From little things like sorting out an insurance claim to the big picture things like being seriously ill, having a partner there makes all the difference. I am so sad that I'll never get to experience romantic love. I do hope to be become an aunty one day.

Thanks again for your support.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ellie,

Would you organise a joint date, as a new guy to join you and another couple of friends, that way you may feel more secure and comfortable. If the guy likes you, he will be cool with that. Might suit some guys as well.

Just on relationships, it would be lovely if they were all so delightful as portrayed in some movies and books. All relationships require work to make them succeed and some don't do so well at all.

Dools

[Ellie05]

Hi Dools,

We have planted a tree where we buried him.

I don't like being alone, when bad things happen I get very sick and being around other people is the only thing that helps. I've been staying with my parents for the last year so maybe I should just move in with them permanently. It would affect my self esteem in the way that I'd feel like everyone would judge me for mooching off my parents. I'm just so scared of getting into this state again without any loved ones around me. It's happened quite a few times over the past 2.5 years.

I like your idea of making a list. The problem is that I might be setting myself up for failure. I will need to get a job soon but I'm not sure if it should be in Sydney (where I've lived most of my adult life) or back in the city where my parents live.

[blondguy]

Good Morning Ellie

I was about to log off and I read about what you have been going through....

My sincere condolences for the loss of your wonderful K9 companion. I have been involved in dog rescue & finding new homes for them too.

Every time I lose one of my 4 pawed companions its heart wrenching. I used to have acute anxiety followed by depression for a few years which makes the loss even more painful to bear. Can I ask what breed of dog you had...if thats ok

I really hope you can stick around the forums when you have the time

My Kind thoughts for you and may your furry friend run in peace with my dogs that have passed

Paul

[Ellie05]

Hi Blondguy,

Thanks for your concern. He was a mini Foxy cross. I will really miss him. His loss has triggered another bad round of depression and anxiety. I think I was on the brink when lost him. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now given he was what made me happy.

[Birdy77]

Hi Ellie,

You said "i am so sad that i will never get to experience romantic love". Never say never! As i said before, never is a long time.

It might be worth looking into dome counselling around your feelings about sexual intimacy and romantic encounters. It might feel daunting, but therapists deal with that kind of thing all the time. It might help you build confidence in that area.

And like Dools suggested, organising group dates can be less intimidating. Do you socialise with your friends much?

About the cycling into depression, it sounds like you know what you need at this time, for your mental health, to be around family and friends. If your parents don't mind you living with them and it works for you, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. You can pay board or do their gardening or cleaning or whatever so you're contributing and not "mooching" as you say. What matters is your mental health, not what other people think.

I know it's very soon after your beloved doggy has passed, do you think you might get another furry friend? They're great at healing heartbreak. But sometimes it takes time. I'm not ready for another dog yet, but friends of mine got another one straight away after their doggy died because they felt they needed to plug that broken hole in the hearts.

Do you have anything nice planned for today that will make you feel good inside? I am going to take myself down to the beach and walk along the shore, i know that will help me today, so I'm going to gently push myself to do it.

Go gently with yourself.

🌻 birdy

[Doolhof]

Hi Ellie,

Maybe staying with your parents for a while might be the best thing for you right now. I am sure you can share the same home and still have an independent kind of a lifestyle if that is what you want. Some people live in shared accommodation, mates in a house and so on.

What other people think should not matter. I would love to have a better relationship with my parents. I find staying with them for a weekend difficult, so in a way I am envious of you!

Regarding lists, you can write what ever you like on them, it does not mean you have to achieve everything. My Dr. suggested I write a list of everything I would like to do this year, real, impossible, a dream or what ever. The idea is to think outside of my current way of thinking.

Yes some things will be achievable like going for a walk at least once a week, trekking the Himalayas may not happen though. I could read books about trekking in the Himalayas, not the same as being there in person, but better than not knowing anything more about that area of the world for example.

Maybe think of a list as possibilities, being creative in your thinking and not something you need to adhere to or follow up completely in order to be successful.

Mistakes and failures can be something we can learn from as well.

It is still early days since your much loved furry friend died. Grief and sadness take a while to be processed. Take each day as it comes and aim for a pleasant activity or thoughts each day.

Cheers fro now from Dools

[Aprilsnow]

So sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved furry friend. I had to have my lovely old boy put to sleep 5 years ago (he was 18) and I still miss him every day of my life and always will. Some pets just become so close to us and are super special.

It is OK to grieve your fur baby and for as long as you want, there is no time limit on grief, but it will get a little easier even if the hole remains the love will always be there and it will soften the loss over time as the good memories come to the forefront.

Please just allow yourself to grieve & not be too hard on yourself and remember how lucky your doggie was to have YOU as their owner who showed unconditional love right until the end, you were a wonderful pet owner and you did the right thing by your furry baby.

I send a hug xxx

[Ellie05]

Hi Birdy77,

Yes I have a massage planned for today so I'm hoping a bit of touch therapy will be good for me. I do socialise with friends but they are all in committed relationships so I don't think there's much hope of getting a date out of it. When I was younger we'd socialise in this way and although I met some nice young men, my sickness mean't I ran a mile. I have talked to my psychiatrist about it and will see her again on Wednesday. I've actually spent the last year staying at my parents house, which was lovely but I feel like I'm pushing it by staying longer and as though I'm giving up. The plan was to move overseas last year but I tried that and it was a disaster so I have come home.

I'm not sure about getting another dog. This one would be my parents, not mine (as when we got the one that passed recently I was young and still living at home) so I'm a little sad that our family is past that stage where we all loved the same pets together.

Thanks again for your kind words of encouragement.

[Ellie05]

Hi Dools,

It's always lovely to hear from you.

The relationship I have with my parents is one of the things I am most grateful for in life. I do feel a bit of shame that I am so reliant on them at this stage in my life but they always tell me not to apologise. They do so much for me. They took me on holiday last year (paying for pretty much everything) and offer so much emotional support. They have a big house so I don't think they mind the space being taken up, however I know it will take a toll on them seeing me in this state.

Thank you for your kindness.