Rock bottom

[orlypops]

Hi all,

 This is my first post and desperation and utter despair brought me here.  

I am 31 years old and I have been living in Australia 2 and a half years.  I work in the health profession and I am oncall 5 days a week , 24 hours a day.  I live in a shared house with some nice girls. 

 Basically I feel overwhelmed by depression and sadness.  I cry every single day. Multiple times a day.  I feel very lonely.  I have friends but feel like I lack a tight knit support network or even one friend that is close enough to share my feelings with.  I think partly this comes with the territory of being new to a country.  But I'm really feeling the loss of having a person to share my feelings with.

My sadness seems to come hand in hand with binge eating.  I have always been chunky but this past year Ive put on lots of kgs and I am properly fat.  And I am getting fatter.  And I feel like the eating and the sadness compound each other. 

 I'd really like to meet someone but literally feel that this is impossible because I am so fat.  5 months ago I met a married man online that I started a relationship with.  Initially I felt so happy that someone - anyone - acted like they found me desirable that I fell hook, line and sinker for him.  The whole relationship is actually a total emotional roller coaster and aside from the obvious reason as to why its not good, he's literally toying with my emotions.  And I'm stuck. Because he's the only person in my life that shows me any affection and I cant give it up, no matter how much he makes me cry at other times. My head is screaming LET HIM GO but then I just feel so lonely and broken I cant cope.

My relationship with my parents in the UK is sporadic at best.  They are both fully embroiled in mid life crisis's themselves and contact me rarely.  My Dad doesn't contact me at all.  I have this innate feeling that there is no one in my life looking out for me.  That if I stopped trying with people they'd all just forget me.  And that belief makes me incredibly lonely. 

Ive been seeing a psychologist for a few months and although I love going to see her I feel that we are not actually tackling my problems.  I feel like I'm just paying for someone to be my friend and listen to my woes. I keep thinking about medication.

I desperately want to break out of this.  I know I have to stop binge eating.  I know I need to start using that gym membership Ive never ever used.  I know that if I did that for 1 week I'd be well on my way.  But..... I feel crippled. I cant seem to have that morning where I wake up and do what I need to do.  Today was a day off and I have been in bed ALL DAY.  Now i feel disgusting and useless and totally responsible for my own pathetic behavior. 

My internal dialogue is really negative.  I can honestly say it didn't used to be this bad, but all day every day I think horrible things about myself.  I can notice it but I cant stop it. 

I need help.  I don't know where to begin.  I don't have suicidal thoughts but I do think if God was to have the good grace to not wake me up in the morning that would be okay.  Will antidepressants help me???

[Beetle]

HI OrlypopsYour post makes me really sad and i can see myself in your situation.Sounds like you are really alone and sad and exhausted and are compensating your emptyness with food.Without proper social support and medical help you will keep feeling this way.

My parents are like yours never really 'there' ,which makes things hard if we are sick.I suggest you go to your GP and talk to him. Its easier said than done , i know, it took me 3 years to gather the courage to see a GP.I was really sick and about to end my life,it was just a matter of time. I never wanted meds since i thought the turn me into a zombie and wont help.However I am on them one week now and i feel 200% better. I can now reflect on my behaviour and life and feel they are the best thing ever happen to me.I mean they worlked for me, doesnt mean they work for everyone, But go to your GP and ask her what she thinks 🙂 Good luck

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear orlypops,

That's a great post - you really explained your situation well and had a lot of positive talk about the negative talk so that's encouraging.   With the psychologist what do you want ?  You're paying for a friend in some ways but in others it's basically an opportunity to communicate.  My pscyhologist (8 years but we "split" 2 years ago due to location changes) did actually become a good friend and still allows free emails.  He even took time out to vouch for me at Patient Tribunals when I've been admitted in the psych hospital so maybe "a friend" is pretty good.  We would start a session with chocolate slice or blueberry muffin (taking turns).

Distant UK parents ?  Tell me about it.......   Your post reminded me of another friend with parent problems.  Whenever they talk on the phone (overseas) her dad directs his thoughts to her mum who then gives the message.  A sort of parental relay and very frustrating.  But, with the grandkids, they are "normal".

Maybe the online relationship is good in one way that you are able to open up to someone.  But it's also good that you have the possibility of meeting up with someone else.  Or using this slightly all consuming relationship as a starting point.  When you feel "trapped" and feel you have to go on with this guy it's kind of a mirror with the way you knowingly "binge" but continue to eat too much anyway.   There's no boundary.  You are a free agent.  Maybe feeling guilty about all this is driving the slightly obsessive behaviour.  But your character seems really bubbly so maybe there's a way out of this by strutting your stuff more done at the park or simply giving up the whole "I'm bad" vibe.

Get a cat.   They love you to death and provide endless distraction from suicidal thoughts.  Plus, don't leave the salmon or ham lying around...........

Adios, David.

[Super_Nurse]

Hi Orlypops.

Firstly, kudos to you for openly sharing your story.  And kudos to you for being so far away from home.  I don't think I could live without my Mum, she's an hour and a half away and that's sometimes too far!  Takes guts!  Secondly, don't feel alone, after reading just a few lines of your post, it seems that you are far from alone.  I think we're in the same boat!

I have a Gym membership I don't use.  When I did, I felt (and was looking) really good.  I still make the fortnightly direct debit payments, of the vague belief that 'one day' I'll go back and use it.  I probably won't.  I binge eat.  Then I get angry at myself, and feel bad when I put clothing on that I'm no longer comfortable in.  So I shop for other clothes, and when I have to buy a size I'm not happy with, I feel crap about myself.  So I eat something else.  And around and around we go.  I'm 29 next month & can't help but think in the back of my mind that my poor choices will catch up with me shortly.  And I won't just be someone who 'could lose a bit of weight' but I'll be someone who is bonafide fat!  I'm also only 156cm tall, so 'a bit of weight' is quite noticeable on this little frame.  But, like you, I don't have the motivation to take that first step (again) and just get back in the pool, or back on the treadmill.  But also like you, I know that if I did it, I'd feel great, and I'd be happier with how I look.

Your online relationship, well that's me in the same boat for sure with you now!  I think I've just sat right down next to you in this boat!  See me waving?  The relationship (if you can call it that) I'm having is not with someone married who I met online, but with a man I went to High School with who I met 16yrs ago when we were 13.  For the last (almost) 4yrs on & off, we have been 'involved' and despite his absolute hard anti stance on actually committing, I can't seem to 'quit' him.  In fact, I love him!  I know full well that this is as good as it's ever going to get.  But 'this' is better than nothing.  I see him once a fortnight, for one day/night.  I have to drive 2 & a bit hours (one way) to do so, and I do so because, even if it's just for one night, I'm there so nobody else is.  Don't get me wrong, he's respectful to me, kind, makes me laugh, makes me feel beautiful, thinks I'm smart & acknowledges my achievements since High School, he thinks I have made something of my life.  Yadda yadda yadda.  But, won't commit to a relationship, which means for the other 13 nights a fortnight, he is free to do as he pleases without consequence, meanwhile I'm all for him, and him alone.  I believe that he doesn't, but, he still has that option, even after almost 4yrs.  Yes, we should give these fellas up.  No doubt about it.  But, I don't know about you, I don't want to because I don't feel, or in my opinion, look like anyone else would 'want' me.  I'm not happy with myself on the outside or on the inside (of my own head) and I don't feel like anyone else would be either.  So I stick with what I know, I seek out his comfort and his familiarity.  And if one night a fortnight and text messages in between is all I get, then so be it.  It's better than having nobody at all!

Your post is one that I felt I could relate to more than most others I've read today (I only signed up today) So please, please don't ever feel like you're alone.  I'd actually really like to bounce ideas and feelings off of one another, if you're keen because, after all, we're in the same boat!!

Take care, and remember to smile 🙂

[orlypops]

Super_Nurse

 Thank you for your reply to my post.  It felt so lovely to really think that someone is in my boat.  Sitting right there.  Honestly, that's a nice feeling, and I don't have too many of those.  

 I was out with the boy this afternoon.  It was all this build up and expectation that ended rather abruptly and in truth was distinctly underwhelming.  I think I've reached my limit.  I think that this is it, I have to quit him.  I get about 4 hours of his time a week. Maybe 5. And its pathetic.  And its making me feel pathetic.  And worthless. And disposable.  And really and truly I think I'd feel less miserable being alone.  I was alone before and although I wasn't crazy happy I certainly spent less time crying, or at least had one less thing to cry about.  I've got to let him go.  I don't have much faith that I can do it gracefully and serenely like I'd like to... but some how some way I must quit him.

I assume you're a nurse?  I'm a nurse too.  That whole bit you wrote about feeling noone else will want me, I feel that 100%.  But I've hit a wall.  I really think I'd be happier alone that hanging around for him and his flickers of attention. 

When I think about it I get really angry.  I want to hurt him and make him see what a mess he's made of me.  How he let me fall in love with him just so he could toy with me.  God, I am going to have such a tough time letting go gracefully.

I think I'd really love a person to chat to through this time.  Left to my own devices I think I could make some really disastrous decisions. 

Thank you again, smiling.... 

[Super_Nurse]

Hello Miss.

Yes, I'm a Nurse.  Well at least that's what the piece of paper on my wall says!  I sometimes feel like if I was a 'good' Nurse, I'd be able to make myself better, to look after myself as I do everyone else.  And I can't always do that, and that's what lead me to this little cracker of a Website!

Anyway, I'm  getting sidetracked.

I wanted to share with you a couple of mantra's that I tell myself whenever I'm having a bit of a downer about myself.  To be completely honest, I haven't actually used them to ditch the commitment phobe, but they make me feel better & they remind me that if I choose to, I'd be able to do it.

'Being alone is better than being unhappy'

and

'You'll only ever get what you think you deserve'

The first, well that's something I took away from my 4yr relationship with my Son's Father, 4 & a bit years ago.  And whenever I thought I'd be unable to live without him, whenever I was doubting, I applied that to how I was feeling at that moment in time (alone), versus how I felt for the majority of the relationship (unhappy).  That too was a habit, a familiarity, comfort in the end.  Nothing more.

The second, a really good friend of mine tells me this all the time when I 'vent' to her about the guy I'm 'seeing' now.  We enable these fellas to treat us like this because we allow it to continue!  They wouldn't be able to do it if we put a stop to it.  And if this is all we think we deserve, all we feel we are worthy of, that's all we'll get!

If giving him up is what you think you need to do, then be confident in the choices you make.  And an educated woman like yourself is very capable of making the best choices.  We do it countless times in a day at work, make the best choices, and don't even realise it!! 🙂

Glad you're smiling!

[orlypops]

Oh my god, today Im on a total downer. And the annoying thing is that I was doing brilliantly. I saw him on Sunday and it was awful. So much tension that when I left him on Sunday afternoon I thought - that's it. I'm cutting him out. I deleted all of his contact details and I had a bad 24 hours hoping and praying he'd get in touch, but of course there was nothing. I asked the universe to keep me busy and low and behold I had a crazy few days at work and I was feeling really good about not having crumbled. I was feeling like I was back on an even keel. BUT.... last night I discovered one place I hadn't deleted his number on my phone - stupid smart phones. So overwhelmed with the need to contact him I sent him a text. And his reply was underwhelming. And So I sent him another.... and then deleted the last remaining knowledge of his number. But since last night I'm all stirred up with anger and resentment. I want him to be hurting and suffering too. I am literally so close to calling his wife to tell her what we've been doing. I want to hurt him and mess with his life like he messed with mine. I'm back to that super obsessed place in my head and I cant shake it. I am so annoyed with myself. I know I should walk away gracefully. I just don't know if I can. I wish I could calm the rage inside of me. I hope venting on here helps me.... I wish I had someone to hug,

[orlypops]

 I made an appointment with a new GP for monday morning to speak about commencing anti depressants.  I spoke to my psychologist about it and she agrees its might be a good idea.  She things it might act as a buffer for my extreme emotions.  I know it takes a while for them to kick in.  And I know it can take a bit of trial and error to get it right, but I am hoping and praying that it works for me.

[Super_Nurse]

Good on you for going and seeking more help!  Acknowledging that you feel like pus, and wanting to be proactive and do something about it is a big step.  It's Sunday night now so I hope that tomorrow brings you some new found reassurance that it's all going to be OK.

Telling the Wife, can I give my point of view?  I wouldn't.  Purely and simply because it then hurts her too.  And she might very well be a lovely person, with most likely no knowledge of her Husbands involvement with you.  And if that's the case,  she need not be made to feel like you feel, hurt, as she has done nothing wrong.  And I'm sure you wouldn't feel any better for making someone innocent, someone who has had no part in this, feel that way.

Deleting his contact details, big move!!  Wish I could say I'd done the same.  Not even once, never ever ever have I done that.  I have a SMS thread dating back to March 2011 (yes, damn smart phones) and I can't bear to part with it!  But now that you've done it, and every last little bit of his contact details are gone from your phone, you're on the right track to rebuilding.  Taking away the option to be able to contact him takes guts!  Hi 5 for that.  And, it also eliminates the option for you to have a moment of weakness.  I hope for your sake that you hear no more from him.  If you can understand why I say that?!

Good luck again for tomorrow.  🙂