Relapse guilt

[Allan533]

Just checking in. I've been doing pretty well for the last few weeks - don't know if it's because of the medication or just the cycle, but I'm happy to have the rest.

But the last couple days, particularly today, has been rough. Pretty mild, as things go, and I am grateful for that, but I'm feeling really guilty, like I've failed somehow. Like, I was doing so much better, but then I go and slide back down, throwing away the progress I'd made. I know that's not what's happening, I know it's not rational because it's not like I'm choosing to feel like this, or that I've slacked off on my self-care or anything. If anything I'm better equipped to handle these moods then I have been in the past, partially due to my hard work, and mostly due to the hard work of my psychologist (with an uncertain proportion due to the psychiatrist and medication).

I'm just feeling so alone. That I've done all this hard work, putting myself out there, talking to people, engaging with them, but I still go to bed and wake up alone every day. That unless I keep this work going, most people wouldn't notice if I dropped off the face of the earth for days at least.

I know this is just my jerk!brain talking. I know it's not real. But it feels real. And I'm having to actively fight to remember that it's not real.

Damn it, I was doing so well.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Allan533,

Thanks for your post and checking in with us. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a rough time. I’m hearing that you’re having a lot of guilt for ‘sliding down’. Can you tell us what’s happened that makes you think you’ve slidden down? What’s worse?

It sounds like you’re aware of this jerk brain, and I think that alone is very insightful, because it’s not an easy thing to do. Seems like your jerk brain is telling you that you’ve failed, but yet you’re rational brain is telling you it’s not a failure.

It’s important to know that relapse or not does not take away any of the progress you’ve made. It sounds like you’ve built up a lot of skills (from handling your moods and self-care). A relapse can’t take away those skills. Depending on what you’re going through, you may feel the need to ‘kick it up a notch’ - like finding ways to practice more self care and more self compassion with what you’re going through.

I’m also wondering if you’ve ever considered creating a recovery plan for your depression? This can help a lot of people as it becomes much clearer about what a relapse is, what it looks like and what the plan can be.
If you’re interested, there’s a lot of different things that might be helpful to record, like things that you do when you’re well, things that you stop doing when you feel like you’re starting to relapse, the people important to you etc You may even want to include people that you care about, your values/goals or other reasons that help you get out of bed and feel important (photos and letters can be quite meaningful here).
Here’s a bit of a template - http://www.workingtogetherforrecovery.co.uk/Documents/Wellness%20Recovery%20Action%20Plan.pdf

Hope this helps,

[Brunswick]

Of course you are doing well. And you need to tell yourself this relapse is nothing to you anymore. It may come again, and again, but each time it does it's going to learn it's losing the battle. You are doing well. This relapse doesn't mean you haven't. It doesn't mean you failed. It means you've succeeded. And you'll get even better and stronger each time. Keep up the good work.

[quirkywords]

Allan533,

Welcome and thanks for your post.

I do not like the idea of a relapse or that you are not doing well.

I find the words resilience or a journey more helpful than recovery as it sounds so final and if you have a bump along the way you feel you have not done well.

To me health is a journey and not a destination. On a journey many things happen and one can learn from them all.

Romantic and Brunswick have written helpful comments.

You are not alone. Many people reading your post will relate to what you are going through.

You are doing so well to have insights into your health.

Post here whenever you want to.

Quirky