Rejected again, feeling upset and lonely

[Dwings]

Hi all

Some of you may have seen posts in another thread and I thought Id share whats been happening recent times

I have been single for a very long time, in fact too long, up until say 2019 I refused to use dating sites. At the beginning of the year, I met someone online chatted every day and we went on a couple of dates. I thought everything was fine, after the second date this girl still kept in contact with me but I didnt hear from her for a few days then I found out that she deleted my contact on this dating app, indicating she wasnt interested in me without any reason. This made me feel upset and angry. I questioned myself why this happened, as it happened in 2019 quite a number of times

Fast forward to later in the year, where I didnt really try and look for a date but then this girl messaged me on Tinder and we started chatting every day, really good conversations which gave me quite a bit of hope. Then I didnt hear from her for about a month but she later explained she needed some time off to herself. Once she was ok, we starting chatting again and the conversations between us were great. She was so nice, she made feel so good inside, I had so much hope. Despite being in lockdown I was feeling positive every day and I thought that maybe we could meet up eventually. We did a zoom chat recently but I felt so nervous that I couldnt say much, I did explain this to her and she said she was nervous too. We chatted after a couple of days but then I didnt hear from her again. I thought maybe something had happened to her or needed time out like before. But last night I checked my messages and they no longer exist, which means she has cut ties with me, just like what happened earlier in the year. Ghosted without saying goodbye and no reason why she left.

This really upset me as I had feelings for this girl. I didnt sleep much last night and I dont think I'll get over this.

It keeps happening every single time. All day today I felt depressed upset and angry. I am at the point where I should accept that I'll never meet the one and accept that I'll continue to have this miserable life, because no one would clearly be interested in me.

I have no one else to talk to.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi backspin, Dwings,

I agree very much with backspin's approach, to keep an open mind and not expecting too much. When we set expectations, we're also setting ourselves up for disappointment (which can also lead to self-doubt if we're feeling insecure about ourselves). I sometimes feel finding someone to be in a relationship with is hard enough, and finding that special someone whom you can be with requires some amount of luck. Though I believe any two couples can be together if they are willing to work on the relationship together, but there are also those who are just meant to be together. In any case, it is not something we can "force" ourselves, or other people into, and only time will tell who will be the one for us, or maybe our lives would change that we feel content to be living the single life forever.

An interesting thought to consider as well. The kind of people using online dating apps, and what sort of personalities do they have. For example, if an app mainly attracts people who are very social/extroverted/out-going, but your ideal type of person is someone who's not too loud and chatty, and instead love to make deep connections and meaningful conversations, then it may be difficult for someone to match with you and vice versa for the people on the other end. But where do we find an online dating app that has a higher chance of meeting someone who we're looking for? I'm not sure... I feel this is why, there's some luck element into finding someone thru dating apps. When it comes to luck, like a lottery, there's that famous line "Gotta be in it to win it".

I remember feeling the same way as you did about my friends and family. I didn't want to talk to most of them when I was going thru the first few months of my break up, mainly because those are the kind of responses I expect from them, and it is not something I wanted to hear at that time. But a friendly person in the BB Forums reminded me that they are saying it through the kindness of their hearts. They do not know exactly how you feel and what you want to hear, but through their compassion and kindness, those were the words they felt appropriate for you, and they want to give you some encouragement. The encouragement to not give up, and to keep trying. Even when you feel you're not getting any matches, you're still rolling the dice, and time will one day reveal what it is that you need in your life. Maybe it isn't someone, but something, or an event.

Jt

[Dwings]

Sorry to hear about your relationship backspin.

Yes its hard with online dating not get many matches and not knowing if the other person is actually interested in you.

Ive always had these doubts because of previous experiences and not getting too confident. I had this thought for a little bit but then the conversations between me and this girl were so great, we shared so many stories and personal stuff online and made me believe this was a potential, it didnt matter what I said she was nice and seemed so interested in everything I did but now its completely gone because of me.

Its hard to get over whats happened recently, people I have told, have been trying to give me a boost saying there is hope and that this lockdown might be over sooner than expected so I can get out there again and try and meet new people but I'll know I'll go back to the same miserable experience again. Go to work, do the same thing, go out after work, have some drinks.

Ive gone through these big name dating apps that are rated so highly because other people have had good experiences but Ive had no luck at all with any of them.

Talk about luck, I cant remember the last time I had good luck with anything.

Seems I cant do anything right.

[Positive_vibes89]

Hi Dwings,

I am just checking in to see how you are. From your most recent post it seem you are depressed and not doing to well in shaking those feelings that we had been previously talking about. I recommend you go speak to your doctor if possible, seems like you are not coping to well.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dwings,

Grieving a loss (whether it's a friend, or a potential partner) will take time, so you're totally right that it's hard to get over what happened to you recently. I'm sorry to hear about how things didn't turn the way you expected it to be.

There will be good days and bad days, that's how I perceive life to be. When the good days are here, no matter how small it is, even if it's just a simple delicious maccas meal, we can always learn to apppreciate it while it lasts. When the bad days come, we can learn from the experience, and remind ourselves that this is part of life and that it's okay to have bad days. The lessons learned from bad days, and the joys and happiness from the good days, are what keeps me going everyday. Not all feelings lasts forever, whether it's good or bad. If the feeling of goodness has extended it's stay, then we're allowed to continue enjoying it, and prepare ourselves for when to say goodbye to it. When the bad days extends it's stay, then we're probably not recognizing what it's trying to tell us, so that we can learn from it to grow ourselves.

Perhaps life and time hasn't prepared you to meet your significant other, perhaps there are some questions and challenges within you that you need to seek out answers for first. Such as, learning to love yourself first, learning that being a little selfish for yourself is actually a good thing. Self-care is the most important, and would benefit you the most through out life.

Jt

[Dwings]

I wish I could say I'm having a good day but lately its just been bad days and sometimes really bad days.

Maybe the last good day was when someone told me how good I was and that made feel warm inside and alive. It helped me to concentrate more on work and other stuff like my interests, house work and how I can work on my finances.

Now that she has gone and disappeared without a reason, I feel down a lot, cant sleep much, cant get motivated to do much, feel pointless to be happy. Why build yourself up for something when its just going to let you down again. Ive had so much bad luck and try to change things but it doesnt work. Perhaps theyre not interested in what I do, find me unattractive, feel like I havent got my life sorted, arent that intelligent know that I'm not going to be a good partner. Who knows? I never have found any answers as to why and I wish I knew. Again I still think about this girl.

I dont completely open up in person in the first meeting. I feel shy, nervous, intimidated and unsure exactly what to say. A lot of times when I try to say stuff to people I got shut down or treated like a nobody or made fun of.

Perhaps why I'm hesitant in seeing a doctor in person about recent issues.

I made a list of things as to what could make me happy in life, the little things like sport, friends, family and lockdown finished but to be honest it hasnt changed much. I still feel the one thing that will make me happy is having that special someone.

I'm worried once lockdown is over and pubs are open, that I will completely lose control of what I will do, like last year. Whilst it seemed fun just going out and hanging out with people, I'm at the age where I just want to relax at home. I dont like where I live and who I live with, I either want to live by myself or with that someone special.

Maybe getting out of where I live is something I need to do. I dont know.

[jtjt_4862]

Heya Dwings,

Sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Your feelings for being down is valid, and I want to assure you that the feeling will pass after giving it some time.

The feeling of being "worth" of something to someone can certainly feels good. It was something I thought to myself in the past. But this only sets us up to hurt and disappointment when we're no longer wanted by the other person for whatever reasons. It could also create a relationship where one partner is co-dependant towards the other, and can be taken advantage of. What we can do to better ourselves, is to seek our self-worth and give ourselves the self-love that we deserve; Know that our worth is what we deem ourselves as.

When we start to seek our self-worth, it may feel like we're still not worthy at all. This is where self-love comes into play. We learn to love ourselves so that we know no matter the choices we make, and the consequences of each of them, we'll be able to learn and overcome them to keep improving ourselves. We celebrate the smallest goods in life, and learn to accept the toughest challenge whenever it arises. When the challenge gets tough, know that there is no shame in asking others for help.

I'd highly recommend seeking out a therapist or counsellor to help work through the thoughts that you have. They'll be able to listen to you from a professional and non-judgemental point of view, and offer you some guidance/practices that can help you with your journey in life. You can seek your GP for a referral, and start from there.

If it's okay for me to ask, what is it that you do not like about where you live, and who you live with at the moment?

Jt

[Dwings]

Perhaps I will need to have a look at options for seeking help through a GP or straight to a counsellor, I'll probably work something out.

To me it seems to get worse each day. I woke up still thinking about her. Today it was more anger than upset. Every little thing that didnt upset made me feel quite angry. Its like why I am being treated this way, why are people rejecting without any sort of reason and why other people around me have a much better life than me. I feel I have made too many bad decisions. I get in life there is always going to be hurt, but I dont want to live like this when all I get is hurt from various people and very little love.

As for where I live, I like in a close neighbourhood out west, at first it was quiet but seems to get more busier and noisy. And I live with my parents, or they live with me, I own a portion of the house. Look dont get me wrong, I love them to bits and nice to be cared for but to be honest I really want to live by myself, have my own space and be responsible for myself, like take care of things like cooking, cleaning, domestic stuff. I'm at the age where I should be more responsible for stuff and I would like to do that every day. I have learned a lot over the years and I feel I should be better by myself or with someone special. To me its embarrassing telling people where I live and who I live with now, I never used to be but I feel this is something thats holding me back and perhaps why other girls arent interested in me as they probably see me as someone who hasnt exactly grown up.

The plan was that they move out once I have a girlfriend and we're both ready to move in but I'm nowhere near that and I dont think I'll ever get close to it.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dwings,

I'm glad you've considered seeking additional help through a GP and a counsellor. You're doing great buddy.

I want to assure you that, your emotions of anger is valid; The anger that stems from being treated poorly and rejected by people without any sort of reasons. You deserve better. Relationships between other people certainly involves hurt and love. If we're giving one more than the other, then it becomes an imbalance relationship (too much hurt and we'll be subjected to abuse, too much love and we'll be subjected to manipulation). But that doesn't mean everyone who hurt you are bad people. We can look at things with kindness and compassion, to have our curious mind learn why they did that rather than lay judgement on their actions. It is the same for yourself; treat yourself with kindness and compassion. We're all imperfect human beings, and we're bound to make mistakes over time. It's okay to be making bad decisions, there are things to be learned from the outcome of our decisions, and they all benefit us to grow and keep moving forward.

Being responsible to your well being, and to learn to live alone and be comfortable with it helps with discovering more about yourself, your true nature. Whether other girls sees you living with your parents as "hasn't exactly grown up", that's their opinion and they are entitled to it. Their opinion does not reflect who you are as a person. Perhaps some girls might see it as "Wow, this person is very caring towards his parents, and is willing to stay with them longer to take care of them". We all live in very unique circumstances/situations, and if the person does not want to know more about it and have concluded with their opinions, that's on them.

Hope that helps Dwings, happy to chat with you more buddy 🙂

Jt

[Positive_vibes89]

You need to work on yourself, sounds like you need to do some self development. Instead of looking at yourself negitively, have a think about what you can improve on. and what your best qualities are. You need to be kind to yourself. Have a look at what your strengths are and use those to your advantage in making some improvements towards your own mental health. In my experience, I had to work on my own personal issues to be a good partner. Underlying issues do affect relationships, sometimes potential partners can unconciously sense it. I was single for 4 years, indeed that was very frustrating, but I used that time to work on myself. I had some many dates come back and tell me why they did not like me. I took that into account. Each encounter with a person is a lesson that we all can learn from. Take one thing from this one and learn for the future. I worked on myself when I was single. I went to the gym and got fit. Got nre clothes and new hair cut. Made myself feel and look great. I went and made some new friends. One must not revolve their life around needing a partner.. You simply dont need a partner, you want a partner to share your life with. I realised that I did not need anyone and was happy doing as I pleased on my own. I met somone when I least expected it.

Im glad you are seeking some professional help. You have deep feelings that you cannot shake, they are affecting you. I really do hope you get some support to help. All the best!

[Dwings]

I have made enquiries about booking a GP and they advised me that they can set up a phone call appointment, possibly due to COVID lockdown. Whether that will help or not, I feel a little better knowing that it could be a small step in getting the help I need.

It has not been an easy period lately, hard to get happy and motivated. Its been a horrible working week. I deal with a lot of people over the phone and they have venting their frustrating towards me, theyre not actually angry at me so all I can do is listen and try and understand what they are going through. Its sad whats happening in the world and people are getting so angry and puts me in a depressed mood. Its adds to whats happened in the past 2 months.

I dont really tell people what I'm going through. One person I know quite well, realised I was too quiet and told me to be happy and forget about recent things. Whilst I can understand this person was trying to help, I felt there was an aggressive nature and the tone didnt help one bit infact I couldnt actually be open to this person. It felt like I was doing something wrong and that I wasnt allowed to be quiet. I felt intimidated.

Also if I told this person about whats really happening, I feel I will get the same response as before "I told you so", or "You need to get off dating sites". I dont think that helps to be honest. Which is why I feel more comfortable on here and talking to you guys.

I felt really down in May and rang up for support but felt a bit uncomfortable with the other persons tone as they were kind of brushing it off like a minor issue that I should be fine.

I was about to get support from a GP until this girl on the dating app made me feel good and got me in a much better mood.

But like a lot of things in my life, it was building up for something good and then its gone

I wish I could feel happy without a partner, I used to feel happy and free that way when I was younger but I really want that partner.

I havent used social media much as a lot of followers and friends post stuff about partners, engagement and baby announcements. That sort of stuff makes me sad and jealous. It never used but lately it has.

Thanks for your understanding guys.