Rejected again, feeling upset and lonely

[Dwings]

Hi all

Some of you may have seen posts in another thread and I thought Id share whats been happening recent times

I have been single for a very long time, in fact too long, up until say 2019 I refused to use dating sites. At the beginning of the year, I met someone online chatted every day and we went on a couple of dates. I thought everything was fine, after the second date this girl still kept in contact with me but I didnt hear from her for a few days then I found out that she deleted my contact on this dating app, indicating she wasnt interested in me without any reason. This made me feel upset and angry. I questioned myself why this happened, as it happened in 2019 quite a number of times

Fast forward to later in the year, where I didnt really try and look for a date but then this girl messaged me on Tinder and we started chatting every day, really good conversations which gave me quite a bit of hope. Then I didnt hear from her for about a month but she later explained she needed some time off to herself. Once she was ok, we starting chatting again and the conversations between us were great. She was so nice, she made feel so good inside, I had so much hope. Despite being in lockdown I was feeling positive every day and I thought that maybe we could meet up eventually. We did a zoom chat recently but I felt so nervous that I couldnt say much, I did explain this to her and she said she was nervous too. We chatted after a couple of days but then I didnt hear from her again. I thought maybe something had happened to her or needed time out like before. But last night I checked my messages and they no longer exist, which means she has cut ties with me, just like what happened earlier in the year. Ghosted without saying goodbye and no reason why she left.

This really upset me as I had feelings for this girl. I didnt sleep much last night and I dont think I'll get over this.

It keeps happening every single time. All day today I felt depressed upset and angry. I am at the point where I should accept that I'll never meet the one and accept that I'll continue to have this miserable life, because no one would clearly be interested in me.

I have no one else to talk to.

[Positive_vibes89]

It will take some time for you to move on, it won't happen overnight. Spend some time giving yourself a bit of self care, a hot bath, play some video games, read a book. Do some activities that you enjoy. From my experience painting or drawing helps me to focus all my energy on that one thing. It blocks everything out. I used to also hit the gym hard, by the end id be so exhausted I didnt have the energy to be angry or sad. Exercise releases those feel good hormones endorphins. Also you can just binge on chocolate and ice cream that is okay too hits the spot.

Let me know how you are going with everything.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dwings,

Sorry to hear about your dating experiences. Ghosting is something that I've encountered prior to my break up, and it was definitely not a great experience to be going through. If we feel insecure about ourselves, we will start spiraling out of control, thinking the person ghosting us is because of ourselves, and it becomes a debilitating act to our confidence and motivation.

Whether it was from a committed relationship, or initial dating opportunity that had potential to blossom into a relationship, we still grieve the loss of connection with someone. Give yourself some time, and show yourself kindness and self-love. Take Positive_vibes89's advise and do things that makes you happy / comfortable / relaxed. When you start to feel better, focus on yourself more in making a better version of yourself everyday. It doesn't have to be perfect, and it doesn't need anyone else's approval. You have total control over how much you want to grow each day, and there's no minimum/maximum requirement to how much you have to grow everyday. Take things at your own pace.

There can be a lot of reasons for someone ghosting you. One of the main reasons can be that they just don't appreciate your value at all. And with Covid restricting people from actually meeting up and doing things together, we're limited to only text/phone calls/videos chats to connect and communicate with each other. There's only a limited amount of ourselves that we can show to another person through these channels, and if the person can't pick up on your values through that, then that's their decision, and it is by no means a reflection of who you are as a person. You deserve a better person who can appreciate you for who you are.

Take some time to show yourself some self-love and care, you are worth more than you think you are. Let the natural flow of time reveal to you the person who will truly appreciate you. Do your best to keep working on yourself. Your most valuable asset is you.

Jt

[Dwings]

Thank you jt for understanding.

I tried not to think about but today didnt help. I dont know why but I couldnt concentrate at work, even when I listened to music, watched tv and walked during breaks.

I know it wasn't a relationship but I felt something towards this girl and now its gone. All the effort and conversations I had were for what? I knew the zoom call was a bad idea. I feel like reaching out to her and asking what I did wrong and to give me a chance but I have little information about her.

This has happened multiple times, I lost count, that Ive been ghosted after going on dates and having good conversations. I get no answers as to why they lose contact. Why not tell me on the date straight away? You hear about these dates where the person is honest and upfront, which I wouldve been ok with. I did the same , but not straight away. I didnt have a good date with this girl and she msg me two days later if she wanted to go out again and I was honest to her, telling her I wasnt interested in her, in a nice way.

I have a passion for sport and music, but lately I cant get motivated much. Its tough in lockdown, my distractions from this would be going out after work hanging with friends. I miss those guys.

I really wanted that special someone in my life but I have failed so many times, its obviously never going to work.

In the past 18 months, I have rarely been happy, I look at where I live, my job and who I am, there's nothing to be happy about. I was only happy when it looked like my life was heading in the right direction. Last year was obviously tough during COVID, but I lost a few family members during this time, it was so sad. I was hoping this year would be better.

If we werent in this lockdown period, I would simply pack my bags and get the hell out of Sydney, maybe for good. Ive had so much hurt here, I feel like there's nothing left for me here.

[jtjt_4862]

Heya Dwings,

Sorry to hear you about your struggles again. It is still a lost of a friendship, which deserves some time to grief for. There's always grief whenever we lose something that meant a lot to us, so there's no shame in feeling that way about a lost friendship/relationship.

What we feel towards someone, is a feeling that's only known to us and not to anyone else. It is possible that the girl just wasn't feeling it with you. The way they feel about you, doesn't reflect who you are as a person, and it's just their perspective of you without knowing the true you. If that's the case, uphold your value and treat it as her lost instead of yours because, there's always someone else out there who would value you more; For example, the girl who wanted to go out with you again, because she sees value in you, and wanted to know you more. But if she's not the person you want to continue dating with, then you're not obliged to spend time with her if you don't feel like it (You have your right to spend your time the way you want it).

Sometimes, people don't give straight answers. They may feel embarrassed or shy, or they don't want to hurt you with their harsh critiques (even though, you may feel like you can handle critiques well). When that happens, we can only take what we get, and try and make out what the problem is. If you can't see any problems at all, then there's nothing wrong with you, it's just she's not into you (remember, a feeling towards a person, is only known to themselves, and not to anyone else. It cannot be controlled by others). I struggled with this as well when I went thru my break up; trying to understand why doesn't she want me, even though she pins the blame all on herself. But I learned that there were a lot of problems in our relationship, and it all comes from our issues with self-confidence and self- love. We weren't loving ourselves enough to bring out our best to the relationship. What intrigued me was, I learned it all without needing to ask her about it. Took a lot of self-reflection though... and I feel there's more to uncover

Sorry to hear about the lost of your family members during Covid. This pandemic has certainly changed the way we live, and lockdown sucks... I hope things would change soon, so we can at least go out once more and socialize with just some minor restrictions and stuffs...

Happy to listen to you more Dwings if you feel like talking more. Chatting about it helps, so I'd encourage it. You're doing great :).

[Dwings]

I wish I could say its her loss, and people have told me that before when Ive been in this situation plenty of times but I feel its my loss. All those conversations we had used to brighten my day. We were kind to each other, and she told me how nice and genuine I was. She obviously saw me as somebody else in the video chat but couldnt tell me straight away that she wasnt interested. Those compliments after the video chat, seem pointless. She stopped talking to me after a day, then the messages disappeared a week. I wish she had given me another chance. I really want to reach out to her again but I only know where she works, I dont have her email, ph or social media. She was the only one that talked to me online and gave me a chance, because I rarely get matches with these dating apps.

I know people have told me its take time and I will get over this. To be honest when this happened earlier in the year, (sorry if I repeat myself) I felt down and depressed for a while until the recent girl started talking to me. The only way I could handle this was going out drinking, sometimes so late during a working week, I'm not proud of that but I didnt really care too much if I felt tired the next day.

Now because we're in lockdown I cant do any of that. The last few days Ive been drinking quite a bit at home, not tonight, to try and ease the pain. I dont think any of it works. Today I still felt depressed, I keep thinking about her and I keep thinking what I shouldve done.

I cannot love myself, and I cant remember the last time I did, except for maybe the time I was talking to her. Now I just feel worse. My life is pathetic. I dont like where I live, I dont like my job. I havent had a proper relationship for a while, other girls simply arent interested in me and I cannot blame them

People say I'm a nice guy and I'll find someone, well where has that ever got me? Nothing. Mid 30s and still nothing has changed.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dwings,

When we first meet and date, it is common to put on our attractive side, in order to make a good impression on the person whom we're interacting with. It's also certainly off putting and disappointing when we're faced with rejection, especially when it's frequent. As you said, she saw you as somebody else during the video chat, and decided not to continue on with you for personal reasons. Her personal reasons are derived from her wants and needs from a potential partner.

The reason why it becomes her loss is because, you were ready to give it your best to forming a relationship and making it work, but she didn't want to take that step or chance. Whether it's because she's not feeling it with you, or she's shy about it, we'll never know the reason. But we can only respect her decision, keep moving forward and keep improving ourselves. I can assure you, focusing on yourself first is the best kind of investment you can do for your life. And along the way, someone amazing will coming into your life, and they will see the value in you. When that happens, and the timing is right, you will both be ready to take that next chance of forming a relationship together.

A healthy relationship can only be formed when both parties love themselves first. We have to learn to love ourselves, accept ourselves for who we are, and never stop growing. If we don't love ourselves, that's when insecurities and problems will appear in a relationship. For example: If I don't trust myself, how can I trust my partner? If I can't open and be vulnerable, how can I receive the love that my partner gives me, and vice versa? We want to give our best to our partners, and like wise we want our partners to give us their best. This is achieved thru loving yourself first. There's that quote "The worst thing in life is not losing the one we love, but losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much". Our identity/uniqueness is the most important to us.

When people say you are nice, they mean it as a kind gesture. But the problems that we have within ourselves, are up to us to discover and fix, because we are responsible for our own wellbeing. If you feel "nothing has changed", that means you'll have to find what needs to be done in order to have change and growth. I would suggest reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glove, as it has helped me discover some of my core problems that needs fixing, and I hope it may help you too.

Happy to chat with you more Dwings

Jt

[Dwings]

I dont even know what is the right way when it comes to dating. Ive gone in with different approaches, dont over do it or be more open and interesting, no matter what I always end up failing. I could never get an answer or at least and honest, and these past 12 months if not longer, I have questioned myself plenty of times and now I just think it will never happen.

Today was no different to yesterday, I woke up from maybe 2-3 hours sleep, did the same routine at work, went for a walk and clear my mind but still cannot stop thinking about this girl. Its hard to move on from someone I had a good connection with. If she wasnt ready or wasnt interested, then her words mean absolutely nothing. Its like Ive been lied to because she didnt know how to say she wasnt interested. Its the same thing over and over again. But I wish she could be a chance and I could tell her how much I like her. Its unfair if she judged me on my outside, I mean I didnt her judge at all.

Ive tried to have good conversations with others on dating apps, but it hasnt worked, even a simple Hi or Hello they turn away, same thing in person. I'm clearly not good enough for anyone.

As far as respecting the decision to ghost me, well I dont know how I feel about that. I'm a bit annoyed with some of the others that have done it me. There has been a few occasions however where they have told me the reason. It wasnt much to do with me it was just that they found a connection with somebody else. So instead of ghosting me they apologised, told me they were interested in someone else and wished me luck. Whilst I was a little hurt, as one I had a really good conversation for a month, I respected her so much for doing that. I wished her good luck and I hope she is doing really well.

If I'm being honest I havent loved or respected myself for quite a while. Maybe a small period like recently when I felt wanted and liked by somebody which made me feel really good but when you've had so much bad luck in your life recently, treated with disrespect and people didnt care, how can I feel positive?

Even the stuff I am so passionate for, sport, music, I dont feel as motivated as I used to be. I'm a massive NRL fan and love my team but lately I dont even know who is playing and I'm usually focused on that and mates would ask my advise on.

Dont want to sound too negative but thats how I am feeling right now : (

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dwings,

That sounds rough on you, sorry to hear you had a hard time sleeping and feeling low about yourself.

It's certainly sincere of those who have rejected you by giving you a reason as to why they are doing so. When that happens, if the person decides to completely cut you off, it's still considered a loss, and something to grief about. Ghosting on the other hand, is mainly due to someone not ready to handle the emotional backlash of rejecting or causing hurt. It could be that they are emotionally immature or they rather focus their energy on someone else who they find more worthy of their time. I'm sorry to hear about your ghosting experiences giving you a terrible time with finding that special someone...

On the topic of loving and respecting yourself, I can certainly understand how you feel about it. It's a really nice feeling to have when you're in love with that special someone. We're also vulnerable to good things. Vulnerable in a sense that, when something good happens to us, we want to cling onto it forever and never let it go, because we like the feeling of having something good. And when something bad happens, we dislike the feeling of "bad", and want to push away or reject it. This becomes an unhealthy habit, and can be detrimental to our relationship as insecurities will make us doubt our partners whenever they are not by our side. And our inability to handle the "bad" things, such as arguments or disputes, will cause us to avoid important matters that needs attention. I feel, the better way of living life, is to enjoy the good while it lasts, knowing that this feeling will come to an end so we may truly appreciate the moment. While embrace the bad and accept that the bad exists to help us understand ourselves and other people, so we may proceed forward with a change to better ourselves.

I hope you don't mind me asking, as I'd like to get a better understanding of you. Do you feel your bad luck in life is mainly stemmed from your online dating experiences? And your feeling of being treated with disrespect or how people didn't care, comes from how some of your potential matches decide to ghost you, or kindly reject you because they found someone else that suit their needs? Or is there more to this feeling of unwanted-ness/abandonment?

Jt

[backspin]

Hi Dwings.

Sorry to hear about your experience, i have recently started using online due to a relationship breakdown.

I used on line dating about 10 years ago without success.

I am finding it difficult now to make any contacts even after many weeks.

From my point of view as a man looking for a women i have severe doubts about the credibility of these sights and my belief is they are in the main maybe not fair dinkum which may explain why you seem to be getting to a happy result only to be let down.

I will not be renewing at the end of subscription.

Maybe the ladies might tell us of their experience?

I feel its a case of keeping an open mind and not expecting too much that way we are not let down.

Good luck and hope you find happiness soon.

[Dwings]

Hi jtjt_4862

Thank you for understanding. Having these people reject me time after time has put me in a really dark place and my attitude towards life, not appreciating the important things. Its just hard to get motivated when everyone's life around me is much better than mine I'm just stuck at the same position. The only thing thats changing is my age, even if I try to change the way I live, look for that someone I love.

I havent really told any of my friends or family about recent events, because I'll know I'll get the responses as before like "You'll be ok". "You'll find someone" or "I found my gf or wife on a dating app". Whilst I get theyre trying to cheer me up, it certainly doesnt help me. Even when I go on trips, they'll try and convince me that this "one" will be on that trip but that has obviously never happened. A friend of mine told me similar stuff earlier in the year. He got rejected a few years ago but hung in there and met his girlfriend. The difference was, he gets a lot of matches online and I dont.

I guess maybe thats why I'm still thinking about this girl recently. She gave me a chance and was so nice. Made me feel so good inside with her kind words. I really miss chatting with her, and really want to reach to her and tell her how I still feel.

This rejection probably adds to a number of things. Ive never been a confident sort of person. I'm always shy and hesistant thinking I may do the wrong thing and embarrass myself. If I did something, I would either get laughed at, turned away, or just didnt feel important in the group. Made me feel terrible.

I always look back at 2009 when I went to UK and Europe. Everyday on that trip felt like the best day of my life. Nothing went wrong. I saw so many great sites, made so many friends, had a good time every night. I felt so confident every day and appreciated life. Its probably the last time I felt really happy. Not long after I was in a relationship that last 6 months, unfortunately that didnt end well.

But I was very young then and wanted to enjoy single life for a little while. Then I realised I knew what I wanted. To settle down and meet someone. Unfortunately its so difficult, online or in person. The older I get, the more I realise that this will never happen : (