Recurrent brief depression or dysthymia

[Asenna]

Hi there, I was wondering if anyone can tell me why I go down in my mood and feel hopeless, anxious, depressed, sad and have absolutely no pleasure in life. It’s been going like this for almost 4 years. The strange thing is that by the evening at around 5-6 pm 99% of the time it lifts and I feel more relaxed and I feel more sociable. The depression seems to last about 7 days and then it goes away along with all the negativity that comes with it for it too only last one week or maybe two. There are even times it could last for two months for something to happen and I feel it gradually come back and I’m in the thick of it for another week. I feel it was dysthymia it would be a constant feeling of being sad and constantly negative. But it’s just not the case. I’ve found it hard to work for the last 4 years and I’ve only convinced my psychiatrist to put me on a mood stablizer with my current AD. I’ve been on ADs for twenty years and it’s served me well but I’ve had a number of life altering things happen along the way that has shaken my equilibrium. One was being told I had cancer of the liver to be told 3 weeks later that it was nothing. I freaked out quite badly. Then cracks in my marriage started to appear and just as we started to sort that out I got possibly ptsd which completely F’ed me. I was still struggling with that and even during that I was having these ups and downs. A year later my wife left me and I desperately begged and lived on hope for about 3 years of getting her back. It’s been very much a yo-yo since 2014 and I want it too stop. I don’t understand how I can be depressed for a week for it to go away almost completely and I become engaged in the world, out going and feel much lighter and even possibly go on dates for it to come back again a week or two later and be quite debilitated by it. I don’t get it.

What do you think? I’m sure its not bipolar as I don’t get highs or manic highs, and if it was dysthymia it wouldnt just stay for a week, and then disappear for a while and then strike again. Im at my wits end as my fingers are crossed it will be sorted by the mood stabliser. I cannot keep living like this. It’s just debilitating and soul zapping.

Fab

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Aseena,

I have read your post and feel for you. I hear your frustrating, exhaustion and your search for “answers.” It must all be so overwhelming.

I’ll be back later to write more as I need to get ready for work. I just wanted to quickly say hello and to say that you’re heard.

Hopefully the other wonderful forum members will also chime in with their support and caring 🙂

Talk soon...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

[Asenna]

Hi Pepper

thanks for getting back to me. I look forward to hearing from you.

Fab

[Asenna]

What I don’t get is how does it only last for 7 days or so and then disappear and I feel lighter again and not have the same thoughts, and I’m more relaxed, engaging with my children, not sad, nor empty for that to last a week or more some times to then go back to depression again for a another week and so forth. It’s very hard to look too a future when it’s up and down.

[Asenna]

Does anyone else get this and if so has it been diagnosed. I heard it could be a subset of bipolar. But I’m not bipolar.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Aseena,

As I said, I would be back so here I am. So many emotions...it must be so exhausting and confusing to experience such drastic mood swings.

To be initially misdiagnosed with cancer, experience a marriage breakdown, be diagnosed with PTSD, etc. It’s all very overwhelming and a lot for any one person to go through. I feel your pain and sense of loss...

I’m not sure exactly what is the cause of the changes in mood. I know you mentioned a psychiatrist so I wonder what s/he thinks about it?

In the mean time, I think you might find it helpful to keep a record of your emotions/mood. Some people like to do track their mood on paper whereas others prefer using apps instead (just whatever you prefer is okay).

If maybe you try to track your mood each day, you can then show this to your psychiatrist or any other health professional. It just might give them a clearer idea of what’s been going on and be able to offer more comprehensive support Anyway, it’s just my suggestion that you might like to think about...

Kind and warm thoughts,

Pepper

[Asenna]

Thanks pepper for replying back to me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me other than the fact I go up and down like a yo-yo. There will week(s) where all those thoughts of guilt and hopelessness and that constant flatness (it lifts come evening) just don’t seem to register at all. If it goes into two weeks of feeling good I can start to gain momentum but the crash is worse there after because I feel very deflated that it returned. It convinces me that it won’t come back but it always does. I can feel it the day before when I start to feel off. Like my mind suddenly and momentarily turns in wards and it starts take space and by the next day it’s waking up to negative self talk and self loathing and I’m back in it once more. I start to feel desperate and defeated. It’s quite crippling. I know everyone’s experience is different, I appreciate that but sure there is someone in this forum that may have a relatable story of symptoms.

Fab

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Fab,

As always, it’s wonderful to hear from you again. Sorry for my late reply though. I hope you’re still reading...

Your yo-yo mood does sound very debilitating and must take a huge emotional toll on you. I must say that you have a brilliant sense of self awareness of your own mood.

The crash after a couple of good weeks sounds particularly rough and discouraging...not to mention exhausting.

My mood is generally low and sometimes I feel numb/indifferent but I don’t really get many good days. But I feel there should definitely should be someone around who can relate to your struggles. Maybe people with more relatable experiences just haven’t seen your thread yet but I hope they do...

Kind and warm thoughts,

Pepper

[Asenna]

Thank you for your response Pepper. Depression is something I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I feel for you and completely understand what that it is you go through on a daily basis. I find it hard to accept my depression as I know that isn’t me. I think there is an element of grief to my plight. I feel there is something that I’ve lost in myself. Not just only my wife who left me because of my struggles with trauma 4 years ago but the very fabric of my essence. It hurts and it’s such a big loss for me. It’s hard not to be sad. That loss for me is a big one.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Aseena,

Sorry for the late reply. Thanks so much for writing and for being so compassionate and understanding about my struggles. I really appreciate it 🙂

I think maybe I get what you’re saying. The depth of your sadness is vast because, as you said, there’s this enormous feeling of loss.

It sounds like you must have so many doubts and questions in your head. Perhaps it’s almost as though you’re trying to find yourself again but keep drawing a blank...that must be so painful and confusing...

Can I ask how have you been doing since your latest post?

Warmth and kindness,

Pepper