Recurrent brief depression or dysthymia

[Asenna]

Hi there, I was wondering if anyone can tell me why I go down in my mood and feel hopeless, anxious, depressed, sad and have absolutely no pleasure in life. It’s been going like this for almost 4 years. The strange thing is that by the evening at around 5-6 pm 99% of the time it lifts and I feel more relaxed and I feel more sociable. The depression seems to last about 7 days and then it goes away along with all the negativity that comes with it for it too only last one week or maybe two. There are even times it could last for two months for something to happen and I feel it gradually come back and I’m in the thick of it for another week. I feel it was dysthymia it would be a constant feeling of being sad and constantly negative. But it’s just not the case. I’ve found it hard to work for the last 4 years and I’ve only convinced my psychiatrist to put me on a mood stablizer with my current AD. I’ve been on ADs for twenty years and it’s served me well but I’ve had a number of life altering things happen along the way that has shaken my equilibrium. One was being told I had cancer of the liver to be told 3 weeks later that it was nothing. I freaked out quite badly. Then cracks in my marriage started to appear and just as we started to sort that out I got possibly ptsd which completely F’ed me. I was still struggling with that and even during that I was having these ups and downs. A year later my wife left me and I desperately begged and lived on hope for about 3 years of getting her back. It’s been very much a yo-yo since 2014 and I want it too stop. I don’t understand how I can be depressed for a week for it to go away almost completely and I become engaged in the world, out going and feel much lighter and even possibly go on dates for it to come back again a week or two later and be quite debilitated by it. I don’t get it.

What do you think? I’m sure its not bipolar as I don’t get highs or manic highs, and if it was dysthymia it wouldnt just stay for a week, and then disappear for a while and then strike again. Im at my wits end as my fingers are crossed it will be sorted by the mood stabliser. I cannot keep living like this. It’s just debilitating and soul zapping.

Fab

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Aseena (and all your caring supporters here),

It’s so good to hear from you again. I know you’ve been feeling very down and must have been hurting and struggling a lot...

I think this psychiatry professor sounds promising as I agree that it can often be helpful to get a second opinion. Hopefully he helps you get to the bottom of things and has some new strategies/insight/ideas for you.

As Sophie very kindly said, you’re not alone. There are many of us here in your corner. When you’re feeling up to it, maybe let us know how you’re feeling and how your appointment went...

MsG68: what a moving post...thank you for sharing that...

I admire your will to survive to honour your son’s memory. As painful and heart breaking as each day must be, I like to think that he lives on in your heart. Of course that doesn’t lessen your enormous pain and loss but what I’m trying to say is love is eternal. That lives on....

Pepper

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Aseena and MsG68 (and a wave to all),

I wrote an earlier post so hopefully that appears; I’ll check later. In the mean time, please know that you’re both in my thoughts...and that you’re both heard and cared for.

Kindness and warmth,

Pepper

[Asenna]

Hello Pepper and msg68.

Thanks for all those kind and awesome words of kindness and empathy.

So I have finally seen this Proffesor who listened to me attempt to articulate from my knowledge, memory and experiences what I was feeling exactly. From what I understood he seemed to believe that I had another breakdown in 2014 and not ptsd. 🤷🏻‍♂️. So he has said from what I described to him was an incomplete remission from 1997. Ground zero!! I have to quickly go and I will put down my thoughts of the diagnosis and some other bits and pieces.

[Asenna]

I’m back. I’ve thought about the impact of all this and for me as much as it’s some clear definitive direction it hurts knowing what I had lost over all this thing we call life. I lost a marriage and a happy family. I only see my children for half the week and not every morning and evening. But, my children are healthy and because of it I’ve felt I’ve thrived as a single parent. I’ve tried hard to not show my children the pain of a father who is encased with fear, sadness and despair and I will not hurt myself over this insidious disease. I will not leave my children fatherless. I’ve put up with this for four and half years and I’ve not given up. There is always hope. I got some hope last week with a change of psychiatrists and a new perspective. Next battle to face is holding on to the hope of the new additional AD to my other AD, that will finally put it too rest.

I never realised how much being in a melancholic depression can distort your perception of life. I read that it’s a combination of your past and future playing out in your head in the moment of the present. That’s where fear comes in of the future. That’s where the past is all lost. My fingers are crossed and so are my toes. The interesting thing my psych told me when I asked about why I go up and down like a yo-yo and he said, “it’s your brain biologically trying to fight the depression”. It really made sense. Don’t ask me why, but it just did. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Aseena,

Some very moving, powerful and self aware posts you’ve written there. Thank you so much for sharing...and you’re most welcome by the way 🙂

I know you’ve lost so much to your mental health conditions. Your pain and sense of loss runs deep. There’s a sadness about what could have been...I feel your pain...very much so.

But, as you said, there’s hope when you think about your children. They’re your reason and your lifeline in so many ways. I think you sound like a wonderfully dedicated and loving father. Your children are very lucky to be able to call you “dad.” That’s absolutely precious...

I loved this:

I never realised how much being in a melancholic depression can distort your perception of life. I read that it’s a combination of your past and future playing out in your head in the moment of the present. That’s where fear comes in of the future. That’s where the past is all lost. My fingers are crossed and so are my toes. The interesting thing my psych told me when I asked about why I go up and down like a yo-yo and he said, “it’s your brain biologically trying to fight the depression”. It really made sense.

Very insightful and life affirming. I hope you keep fighting...

Kindness and warmth,

Pepper