Recurrent brief depression or dysthymia

[Asenna]

Hi there, I was wondering if anyone can tell me why I go down in my mood and feel hopeless, anxious, depressed, sad and have absolutely no pleasure in life. It’s been going like this for almost 4 years. The strange thing is that by the evening at around 5-6 pm 99% of the time it lifts and I feel more relaxed and I feel more sociable. The depression seems to last about 7 days and then it goes away along with all the negativity that comes with it for it too only last one week or maybe two. There are even times it could last for two months for something to happen and I feel it gradually come back and I’m in the thick of it for another week. I feel it was dysthymia it would be a constant feeling of being sad and constantly negative. But it’s just not the case. I’ve found it hard to work for the last 4 years and I’ve only convinced my psychiatrist to put me on a mood stablizer with my current AD. I’ve been on ADs for twenty years and it’s served me well but I’ve had a number of life altering things happen along the way that has shaken my equilibrium. One was being told I had cancer of the liver to be told 3 weeks later that it was nothing. I freaked out quite badly. Then cracks in my marriage started to appear and just as we started to sort that out I got possibly ptsd which completely F’ed me. I was still struggling with that and even during that I was having these ups and downs. A year later my wife left me and I desperately begged and lived on hope for about 3 years of getting her back. It’s been very much a yo-yo since 2014 and I want it too stop. I don’t understand how I can be depressed for a week for it to go away almost completely and I become engaged in the world, out going and feel much lighter and even possibly go on dates for it to come back again a week or two later and be quite debilitated by it. I don’t get it.

What do you think? I’m sure its not bipolar as I don’t get highs or manic highs, and if it was dysthymia it wouldnt just stay for a week, and then disappear for a while and then strike again. Im at my wits end as my fingers are crossed it will be sorted by the mood stabliser. I cannot keep living like this. It’s just debilitating and soul zapping.

Fab

[Asenna]

Hey Pepper. I’m trying a new medication that takes awhile to titrate upwards on and won’t know it’s effects till another fortnight or more. I’m holding on and just trying to get through the days. I’m convinced that my depression never really went away or should I say “fully remit” but I’m seeking a second opinion after 20 years of being with the one psychiatrist. I need a new set of eyes and ears and they may just be able to shed light as to what’s going on. Not to sure I mentioned this but I had a nervous breakdown in 97 (melancholic depression) and though the medication helped me get out of it, it became more of a mild version which I could live with. You could say partially remitted. I’ve been on the one medication for 20yrs and maybe it’s time to look into it and see what’s going on. Hence the second opinion. I’ve tried add ons but they did little or nothing. It hurts so much because I’ve not only lost me, I lost my wife, marriage and family. I’ve got my children and I love them dearly but I know there is more of me than what they see or know. This wasn’t me before my breakdown. I was always enthusiastic and looking forward to things. I’ve not been that in 20 years.

[Asenna]

I’m trying to find hope where I can that this can be sorted.

[MsG68]

Hi Asenna

Just come across your post and can tell you that I definitely relate to your yo yo moods. I saw your mention of grief, after the separation from your wife and think it's possible this is where your moods originate from. I lost my 29yo son in an accident January 2016 and after the initial shock denial and anger have what's known as complicated grief along with anxiety and depression. I have weeks of peace where I seem to have reached a stage of acceptance and try to get on with life, then I fall into a pit of despair, where everything feels hopeless. Maybe I'm on the wrong track with you but it sounds very familiar.

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Aseena,

I feel your losses have been absolutely heart breaking. The pain from those losses must be enormous...

I think seeking a second opinion is a really good idea. Explore more options and all that...maybe you’ll find something you hadn’t considered before.

Also, I hope this new med has positive outcomes for you. I suppose time will tell but I’m trying to stay hopeful for you...

MsG68: it was lovely to read your understanding and caring post. It seems like you get where Aseena is coming from...I thought it was very kind of you to reach out despite how you must have your own struggles.

I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your son. To lose your own child would be one of the deepest pains in life. The grief you mentioned sounds very confusing, complex and full of so many powerful and mixed emotions...

Warmth and kindness to both of you

Pepper

[Asenna]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine what pain you are feeling atm with the loss of your son. I’m not too sure I could cope with that loss at all. My children are my world. I can relate to your feelings and it’s something I felt when my first partner and I split up after nine years of growing together. I went up and down like a yo-yo for some while until after 8 months it evened out. My pit of despairs would last a week and without fail would disappear.

I know I did feel some form of complicated grief because the longest time I couldn’t let go of my ex wife. I was always hoping she would return. I was hoping that I could convince her to stay. We separated at the beginning of 2015 and I couldn’t accept it. I was always pleading. I was always telling her how I was feeling. I was always asking her the give me a chance one day. It was all to keep the reality at bay. I did some counseling and it eventually gave me the courage to say goodbye and sign the divorce that I was hoping would never eventuate. But I did it. I felt better for some while and felt empowered. But then I went back into the familiar pattern of up and down. I find it hard to work or move forward whilst I go up and down like a yo-yo. When I’m down I have no desire to eat or engage. I feel all of my failures in my life and feel quite alone in all this. But I keep going for my children. Look.....I’ve no idea what is wrong with me. My psychiatrist thinks I had ptsd in 2014 but i feel I had another nervous breakdown.

In the end I feel like giving up and succumbing to this pitiful disease.

Thank you for your kind words and feedback. They are very much appreciated with all my heart

fab

[Asenna]

Thanks pepper. I’m trying to hang on but everyday I feel my grip my slowly slipping

[Sophie_M]

Hi Asenna,

We are sorry to hear that you find it hard to move forward with everything you have been through. Please know that you are not alone in this and there is a lot of support out there. We would encourage you to get in touch with one of the professional mental health counsellors at our Support Service. We can be reached 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or on email and Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) through our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
 

[Asenna]

Hi Sophie,

thanks for the reply. I felt your empathy and kindness. I’m being proactive about it which means I took the steps to see my GP and explain what exactly is going on dating back as far as 1997 when it all fell apart. She has referred me to a excellent professor in psychiatry not too far from where I live for a separate evaluation to form a second opinion. Maybe my current psychiatrist incorrectly diagnosed me or didn’t give me the adequate or correct medication. My fingers are tightly crossed as to what he may surmise with my intial consultation. But here is hoping I can finally get put on the right track.

[MsG68]

Good morning Aseena,

Thanks for your reply and kind words. The loss of a child is for most unimaginable. And it really is only those who have suffered this tremendous loss who can understand and be the most supportive. I have known mothers whose child has passed away before I lost my son, and although I had the deepest compassion for what they were enduring I didn't fully understand and often thought after years of seeing their social media posts that they should be "over it" by now. I feel such guilt for my thoughts now. It's something we all believe happens to others but not us....well now I am one of those others.

There is hope, there's always hope. Please don't give up. I understand your struggles. Just last week I was ready to end it all, which is how I found my way here.

How is the new medication going? Have you noticed any changes as yet?

I've looked into all sorts of therapies over the past week or so, I can't do this on my own. I'm going to try hypnosis and also theta healing to release all of the negative energy. Anything that will give me some peace from my own busy mind. The biggest problem is the cost associated with these types of therapies, but I guess it's a small price to pay if they help.

I'm sorry I can't offer more helpful advice, but know that people do care and are here to listen when you need.

Take care of you and keep smiling.

[MsG68]

Hi Pepper

Thank you for your kind words.

I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy.

I am here and will continue to live for my son and myself....as hard as it is some days.