Really lost today and I can feel the storm swelling

[Hatethefeeling]

hi,

 so many things floating around in my head and Im not sure where to start or even what to say. I was 'diagnosed' with PTSD 5yrs ago. I say 'diagnosed' because even though I am sure thats what it is I could no longer afford to see the psychologist for a variety of reasons so didn't really investigate it.

 I am married, albeit unhappily, and have 3 wonderful children, d-22,s-17,d-15, whom I live each day for. I know deep inside that I need to try and access something, anything that can help me ride these crises, but I continue to ride each day out until it passes. The smallest of things, today it was rejection, rejection confirming that I am not an attractive person, that I am fat and not worthy of anything, that I am stupid and a drama queen. i suppose they are right, I am

my entire story would take up the allotted 2500 words and its messy and probably not the right place for it. I am also not proud of some of the paths i have taken so by not acknowledging them seems to make them go away, if only for the briefest of times.

 Today, I've been on the brink of tears for most of the day but tell myself to shrug to off and get on with things. sitting here typing this I am holding back the tears, the kids are home and this is not their problem they don't need it, can't show any weakness. The husband is here, can't let him see I'm struggling cos he doesn't understand nor does he show he cares, this is all his fault. well maybe not all, but i feel a majority of it is

so what do I do, where do I turn. I have no friends, he made sure of that. I can't be seen to 'waste' money on a psychologist because its a waste and doesn't work anyway, according to him. so i spend most days sitting on the iPad playing an online game and interacting  with my 'friends' who don't judge or care but are there and treat me with respect.

even getting to the supermarket is a challenge, mainly because i can't be bothered. I've gained weight and don't even care, well i sort of do, but its easier not to

 HELP..I'm lost and don't know where to turn

[TimeFrozenStill]

Hi,

I just thought i would comment on your post to say a few things:

1. You are not ugly, i can't see you but i can tell by reading what you are writing that you have a beautiful personality you are just being mistreated.

2. Whoever is telling you that you are wasting money on a phycologist has clearly never dealt with panic attacks, depression and ptsd or cptsd.

3. If you can manage it just for a few minutes go outside just for a few minutes, listen to the birds and bathe in the sunshine, sometimes getting back to basics is good for a person.

4. At the end of the day you are the only one who can make you happy, love yourself and don't let anyone bring you down. You can pick yourself up you just need to believe that you have the power within you!

[Jacko777]

Hi HTF,

Sorry to here how you are feeling, I am glad you are talking about it. Remember you can ring the BB phone service any time you are feeling down, they will have support and advice, 24/7.

In times where I have struggled it helps me to separate the issues, I put down the issues on paper and have a look at what I can do in each area, I make goals and plans to reach them. So for example, one area for you is your mental health, perhaps you could try out the BB Access service which I believe includes some free consultations. I know you are sure of your condition but you want to be sure of the best treatment. Another area might be your relationship with your husband, you could start making plans to make things better, to address the issues you find frustrating. Your children is another area, you could be making sure that you are getting quality time, as you say, you live each day for them, you want to make that time with them count, you want to practice focusing on positive stuff when you are with them.

Then in each area I work it back to find what small steps I can take today. One step for you might be getting to the supermarket, might seem like something small but we know how difficult even small things can be. It's worth pushing yourself to make a few steps each day, it will be challenging and rewarding. Some days are better than others but if we keep taking steps we will come closer to greater peace and happiness. 

Have you tried meditation? It helps me to train my brain to focus on the good stuff and off the negative stuff. Exercise too is great for getting the good juices flowing and for getting out and clearing your head. Don't think about it, just get up and go for an easy walk. I hope you find something that helps you to feel better soon, talk any time.

Jack

[JayMic]

I know exactly how you feel. I have felt those feelings - being on the verge of tears, feeling hopeless. It is temporary - hard but temporary. As a counsellor myself i can see it coming clearly. My depression kicks in April-May and is full blown by winter - hence me right now. What has worked for me: Therapy - have you gone to your GP and got a Better Access Mental Health Care Plan? This covers most if not all the fee on medicare - I would ask your gp to source a no gap counsellor, so no charge to you. Therapeutic interventions - for PTSD, which i have had, specially EMDR and Brainspotting techniques, Relaxation strategies - guided imagery, PMR and meditation, Physical exercise - forcing myself to the gym, a fun class-  zumba, aerobics, & going for walks/runs. Gratefulness - i bought a diary from Kiki K and its a daily gratefulness reminder. Hobbies - i force myself to do the things i enjoyed such a seeing movies, coffees with friends, window shopping, going to the beach, just walking around the city, trying new experiences eg  rock climbing, camping & dancing. Last but not least - self acceptance - telling yourself its okay, i accept this, you know this is depression, this will pass, you can do this, you have before, I wont let this take me, i am a good person. I hope this helps - it works for me. I make a relaxation/happiness menu - that has between 8-10 strategies/places/things i like doing to relax, calm & increase my happiness and i try and at least 1-2 of them a day, when i really need it it may do more.

Thinking of you - you are strong, it is worth the fight, you can do this xox