Always the strong one, now I'm not.

[BlueEyes22]

Hi,

I am new here. I'm 32 and have suffered from depression and GAD since I was a late teen. I pride myself on being strong and try my best to never let others see just how despairing I am. I guess it's a survival mechanism. The thing is, I'm having to work extra hard at acting at the moment and I feel like I'm having a breakdown. 

Everything just seems to be going wrong and usually when life knocks me down, I get up fighting but right now, I don't feel as if I can get back up. 

I can feel myself pushing away the people I love because it's just too hard for me to explain what's happening inside my head. 

Yes, I am seeing a psychiatrist. Yes, in the past I've tried CBT. Yes, those closest to me do know that I suffer a mental illness. But, I don't feel like anything is helping me right now. 

My fiancé lost his job 4 months ago. I've been weaning off a prescribed medication since March that has been a demon on my shoulder for 8 years, which means I haven't been able to work. (Another story all together). We've had to move back in with my parents. My Mum is an alcoholic. No, we don't have any other reasonable options for accommodation whilst out of work. We're running out of money. We spent years saving for a house deposit and it's all dwindling away. Supposed to be getting married next year - already postponed once because of money or lack of. No, I don't want to give up my dream of a wedding day and just get married at a registrar's office. I've had numerous health scares which fortunately turned out ok. Both mine and my fiance's cars were stolen (Another long story). Both found stripped and burnt. Mine was insured, his was not. 

I am currently a full time carer for my mum and my dog - they've both had new knees put in. But I don't receive centrelink (for Mum) because of a multitude of reasons - too long of a story to explain. 

I have so much pressure and stress going on inside my head. I'm exhausted. I'm despairing. I feel alone in a room full of people. 

I once heard this quote about depression - "A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key."

There's so much more to my story, but not enough words, energy or time to explain..How can I pull myself up out of this rut? I know I need to pick myself up again, but don't know how? I've tried positive affirmations. Any advice? Thank you. 

[White_Rose]

Dear Blue Eyes

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. You are certainly going through the mill at the moment and I would love to reach out and give you a big hug. Can't do that so will send a cyber hug instead.

From the sound of your post you have been offered heaps of suggestions that are not practical or you are already doing what you can. It is frustrating and sometimes irritating to be told the obvious. I will try not to do this.

Your quote is quite apt but not entirely true. In a fog you need to listen to those people who call out to you to guide you to the light. Follow the sound of their voices and you will get there. I have another, more positive quote for you.

"I can't stop the waves, but I can learn how to surf."

Of course this all sounds a bit airy-fairy as what you want is concrete and specific directions. How do you get on with your psychiatrist? Do you feel you have a good relationship and that he/she is helping you? You don't say how long you have been seeing this psych and I wonder how long this has been. Sometimes a change is good after a long relationship.

After you finally stop taking this medication are there plans to try another medication? I gather you have been experiencing some unpleasant side effects which is an unfortunate risk with ADs. I gather your increased feelings of depression have coincided with reducing this AD which is yet another stressor.

Positive affirmations, in my opinion, are a waste of energy when you are in such a dark place. It's OK to tell yourself something good when you are starting to feel well. But let's face it, it's hard to believe in anything good when you are really down.

How does your dad fit into the picture? Is he supportive of you and your mom?

I presume your fiancé is actively looking for work. But he must be at home for some part of the day. Can he care for your mom while you go for a walk or meet with a friend? It would help you to get out of the house regularly. No need to talk about your various problems unless you want to.

As you have struggled with depression for so long I presume you have read the literature about it. But just in case you have not had the opportunity, browse the BB site. Use the tabs at the top of the page to take you to the various information pages. Also, when you are having a worse day, or any bad day, give the BB helpline a ring. It is available 24/7. The number is 1300 22 4636.

I have not given heaps of suggestions, but I hope my reply has been helpful. Please write in again.

Mary