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My depression like many others started from bullying
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want to feel good, I DON’T KNOW HOW?
my brain keeps falling back into negative thoughts, I have had depression for as long as I can remember, I think it started in primary school and has continued throughout my life. My depression like many others started from bullying.
Many of the people that hurt me are completely oblivious to the fact that they are causing pain. I went through my Facebook and deleted anyone who makes me feel like a lesser version of myself. I like to call these people fair weather friends, they are the ones that are there for you when everything is fine and dandi, but as soon as something better comes along they drop you like a hot potato.
If you’re not the coolest or hottest person in the room no one wants to know you. The number of times “friends” have asked me to come out and then said hi and completely ignored me for the rest of the evening is countless, and to be honest terribly disheartening. I'm kind hearted and find it easy to open my heart to new people.
This is often my downfall, people take advantage of this and it makes me feel terrible. Throughout my schooling I was the target of school bullies and heartless jokes, (I know everyone says they were bullied but this was the start of my self-loathing),
My weight and looks have always been a negatively addressed, fuelled by other peoples nasty comments. I feel that holding onto all the negativity is stopping me from becoming the best version of myself, these people were cruel to make themselves feel better and even though I know this it still hurts me.
Some days I look in the mirror and I feel like a waste of space I let all this negativity get on top of me and it feels like I am drowning. These negative thoughts that creep into my head whilst I am trying to get to sleep at night have kept me up for nights on end, when they were happening there was tears and anger and feelings of helplessness.
I’m not a confrontational person and I don’t think fast on my feet so most of the time I am left with regret of things I should have said or done, which I’m sure would have made things better at the time but them again the few times I have stuck up for myself I am left feeling negative because I have lowered myself to this level.
My last hope was that maybe a strong women or man whose had to overcome many things might have an opinion on this topic and maybe just maybe could contact me, in the hope that my quest for inner happiness and release is not all in vain.
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Hi Kim, welcome here
What a wonderfully written description of your struggles, most of which I overcame in my earlier years. How?
Approach your struggles very seriously in terms of how you battle them. Seek the mix of the following- medical care (GP then his/her advice and subsequent medication), therapy, attend motivation lectures, read up on the topics of motivation and lack of confidence, be aware of over reaction, attend relaxation classes.
Getting rid of toxic people isnt a bad thing. Surround yourself with kind loving people. Only a few are needed. At gatherings it isnt much so that others are ignoring you rather than you holding them back enjoying themselves. There is a difference. They have a right to enjoy there time as you have a right not to. Try to allow them space but be there when they need you to. Then your friendships will grow stronger. Try to see others needs and desires and help them get there. Thats a true friend.
Your overall negativity is changeable. It is up to you. Be brave and do all you can to change. A motivation lecture I attended in 1982 changed me forever for the better.
Tony WK
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Hi Kim
Just as Tony has already done, I’d also like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for the very well constructed post you provided.
Yes, bullying is such an awful thing – and the end results of such encounters can really leave the person feeling shattered and bruised – be it, physically but also very much mentally. My term for these people: Bullies = scum of the earth.
I personally have never used Facebook and have no thoughts ever to start it – but Tony is very right with his comment of seeking out only a small number of true friends, as he said, you don’t need many. And yeah, all the rest, well they can go and please themselves – as Elaine from Seinfeld once said in a speech, “Here’s to those who wish us well, and to those who don’t, they can go to hell”. 🙂
Kim, oh wow, I’m hearing you so loud and clear with how you described any incident where a confrontation may have taken place – it’s the mongrel who has the high ground and they get to say their piece, and we’re left in a mess – but only to think later, “Oh damn, yes, this is what I should have said, or did, but mostly, it’s this is what I should have said”. And oh, for me here, I go over and over it – and it’s not a good way to be, but I can’t help it. I think in some way, I envisage a possible meeting with them again in the future, and so I go over so many scenarios, that I think I’ll be good to go for a future encounter.
Now, I next to know nothing about you, but my feelings on negativity (for others – sometime I can translate it back to me, but most times, no) are that it’s an awful thing to dwell on – and you look in the mirror and all that, the images projected. EVERY ONE is different, everyone is their own person – everyone in their own individual way is beautiful and special (bullies in this instance DO NOT fall into the category of ‘everyone’). So you’ll have your own special strengths, your own way of doing things, your own way of speaking, your own thoughts on different issues, situations and Kim, as you said, you are kind hearted – HUGE thing to have going for you – because a lot of people aren’t. And I can tell you, that give the option for being with a kind hearted person or the opposite, most nearly everyone would choose to be associated with a kind hearted person.
Sorry, I’ve got a bit carried away, but would love to hear back from you.
Neil
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Hi there tony, thanks for your insight, I'm suppose in some situations my depression is different to other, as when I am around people I am very happy and bubbly, I suppose most of the time it's not until I am home that I get upset with things that have happened,I rarely get upset when I am out with people and I suppose that brings me to my comment about people completely ignoring me when I'm out, I suppose the reason this hurts is because I rarely go out and when I get invited out I do kind of expect to be included. Not be the centre of attention by any means but I know that if I invite someone out for an evening I would never do that to someone. Maybe that is the way I was brought up but my family alway taught me to be inclusive, even if the person is unknown or not necessarily a close friend. I think maybe sometimes I feel that people are very inconsiderate and I find it difficult to understand and show tolerance for people like this.
neil, I really appreciate your insight too, I think one of my issues is I find it difficult to see positives in myself, I work really hard and rarely get acknowledged, unfortunately this is one of my downfalls, I often feel undervalued like people take me for granted. I can see the positives that I offer but feel no one else sees these, accept for my family, they are great but sometimes I think their views are slightly bias. I am trying to be the best person I can be and let go of these things, but it is defiantly helping being able to speak to people not-related to myself as none of my friends realise I am struggling with this and unfortunately I'm not sure they would understand I feel like unfortunately it's still kind of "taboo" to speak about and u can't really just drop it into a conversation " o yeah and by the way I have depression and have had since I was a teenager" not really a great way to go about it.
thanks for listening o dear now I have gone a little type crazy. 😄
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Hi Kim
Dont worry, if you are going crazy then we can go crazy together. lol
Re :"if I invite someone out for an evening I would never do that to someone". Can relate to you there. Trouble is twofold - 1/we see things through our own eyes and hence own values and 2/ there is a distinct reduction in basic values in society...in short ....manners
Was at a mechanics shop the other day. lots of trouble with my motorcycle. In the 5 hours there we were interupted by his friends every half hour. This took him away from the job at hand. These "friends" of his talked about personal stuff, nothing to do with making him money in his business. After the 4th interuption I realised that "Matt" didnt have the business manner/backbone to casually let these guys know that he is too busy to be taken away from his work. So I began to stare down his friends as they arrived. Not that that helped. Eventually towards the end of the day, job done, he discounted 45 minutes from the bill as "sorry I was interupted". All good. But I just had to highlight to him that he has a young family of 3 kids, high rent on his workshop, etc and he runs his business alone apart from his wife in the office. That charity begins at home etc.
The erosion of manners can also be tied in with the increase in consideration. We with mental illness are more often more sensitive. Add that sensitivity to inconsiderate attitudes and it can, from our viewpoint appear to be really bad manners.
So are we to change to be one of them? No. Why should we lower our standards. Should they raise theirs? Yes, but it isnt for us to educate them. Where is the ideal? Tough one eh? I reckon find a more suitable group of friends. I've done this all the while keeping in touch with the ill mannered ones as they slowly drift away. Treating friendships as a fluid thing until close ones form.
You'll know the real friends over time. As my wife reminds me....she only has one close friend. She lives 2000kms away from us. We see her every year. "One friend...It's all I need" my wife says. Somehow I think she is on the right track.
Tony WK
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